Post Christmas

So, yes...I have been a bit quiet lately. I will just blame it on the holidays and winter blues. I don't think I was be posting regularly for awhile (probably not until spring when things get exciting again.) I was maintaining for awhile there, but I am betting I packed on a few pounds over the Christmas weekend. I have been counting calories and eating well today though and am feeling good.

On a positive note:
 I ran my last 5k of the year two weeks ago. I think it was my fastest, but they didn't time it and I didn't wear my stopwatch. I ran with a friend and we dressed up and had fun!

My hubby got me a Garmin forerunner for Christmas! I love it and am still trying to figure it all out.

Autumn Blues

Oh how I love and hate fall time. I love the look of the leaves as everything changes to fall. I love the crisp fall air and the holidays. However, every fall as far back as I can remember I tend to get depressed. I am not feeling as down as usual this year, but there is just a blah feeling. It is so easy to just want to turn the heat up and cuddle up under a blanket for the next few months.

I am happy to report though that I am fighting the heavy sadness. I have been eating well and running. Last week was mostly hit or miss, but this week I have counted calories every day and ran every day! I did weigh in today. I didn't take a picture because I didn't think I was up for the morning when I weighed myself and before I realized it was officially morning I was slamming water and coffee and didn't want a heavier weigh in. I did see 166.1 lbs. I was happy with that. I lost a little focus around Thanksgiving so I am happy to be down about a half pound...even though it has taken me almost 2 weeks to do that.

I haven't been blogging much these days due to my mood. I think I will just stick to blogging once a week in the winter for my weigh ins and probably will blog more in the summer when there is so much more going on. Although I haven't been blogging, I have been reading a lot of blogs. One in particular has really been making me think.

I love finding a new blog that has been well established and has a lot of entries. It is so fun to go to the beginning and read along their journey, root for them, and see their success. Sometimes it makes it hard to follow "live" blogs because you actually have to wait weeks/months to see their results and be excited. My first favorite "read from the start" blog was http://www.runsforcookies.com/.
Actually, Katie's blog was the first blog that I actually thought was interesting. I read it from the start to current and was actually bummed to get to the current day and it was 'over.' Now I get to look forward to an update every day and it helps to keep me on track and keep me reminded that no one is alone on this weight loss journey.

I recently was on the hunt for another 'must read' blog. It helps me so much to find a new blog that is well documented and read a few entries here and there...especially when I am feeling snacky. A few weeks ago I found http://www.sherylyvette.com/. I will admit that I wasn't instantly hooked, but I loved the look of her blog and started reading. She is very detailed and has a lot of information. She follows weight watchers and shares a lot of information that she hears there. (I am only caught up to her in 2010, but I get a feeling she becomes a leader.) I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to the weight watchers information because I have attended weight watchers before and a lot of their information is repetitive. I was reading it to watch her transformation. I have been realizing these past few days that her weight watcher information/healthy thinking is starting to get to me...in a good way. She talks a lot about eating for fuel and really thinking about why you are eating and what you are eating. I do try to eat healthy, but I still slip a lot. This past week though I am really trying to eat when I am hungry and let it just be a meal and not my form of enjoyment. I am still eating healthy foods that I enjoy, but I am eating to fuel my body and then find something fun to enjoy. It seems to be helping me and making me really focus on why I eat. I am excited to have her blog to follow now in addition to my other ones.

Thanksgiving

I am still hanging on over here. I kept trying to keep in mind that the holidays are just one day not the whole winter season. I was determined that I would eat well and just not worry about it on Thanksgiving and then get back on track. It didn't go as well as I would have liked. I was doing well until Wednesday evening. I mindlessly ate while I was prepping everything for the big day. I still woke up on Thanksgiving feeling positive and in charge. I did something I have never done on Thanksgiving before, I ran! It was a short one, but it felt good. I ate a nice breakfast on Thanksgiving and kept the snacking in line most of the day. However, my turkey was supposed to be done around 4 and it ended up not being done until closer to 6. During those two hours I felt really stressed out and ate my way through it, mostly in the form of cheese. I also ate my dinner and a piece of pie.

I woke up Friday ready to start over again. I ate a nice breakfast and then just continued to eat ALL day long. And then ordered a pizza and had 4 slices. Yikes, not my best day.

Saturday I got it back together and went running and ate well.

Sunday we had friends over for Friendsgiving. I ate normally throughout the day and then had a large dinner. Thankfully everyone was full after dinner so we didn't even mess with the pie for dessert so my Sunday was good except for the large dinner and possibly to many drinks.

Today I was back on track though. As much as I am disappointed in myself for wasting a long weekend eating like a crazy lady, I don't consider it a complete waste. In my previous weight loss attempts I would have stayed off track for weeks, probably until January. I am especially proud that I ate well on Saturday, knowing that I would have a large dinner on Sunday. I used to reason that since I knew I wouldn't be able to diet the next day there was no reason to diet for one day. I would have waited until Monday to even attempt to get myself back in line.

Another thing I have noticed is how important it is for me mentally that I have no goal date. I have a goal weight, but no idea of when I will be there. I know before that I would get frustrated if I had a bad week and I knew my goal would take longer and I would start to lose focus. I was reminded of that this weekend. I had sent in my official weight loss number for my blog competition and felt like it was sort of an excuse to binge since the competition was over. I declined signing up for the next round because it totally plays tricks in my mind that after each round I can have a free for all. I am enjoying my slow, leisurely stroll to health.

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday!

Friday Figures

So, I obviously changed my mind and decided to weigh in today anyways. I was actually really anxious to see where I would be. I almost stepped on the scale last night, but I knew that would ruin it for me. This morning I stepped on and actually didn't feel much of anything when seeing the number. 167.0 It's so weird for me to not be overly concerned with what the scale is telling me. I definitely enjoyed seeing a lower number and I had actually thought it might have been even lower, but I am mostly just happy that it didn't change my mood one way or another.

My weight loss competition ends on Tuesday at midnight. I figure I will just use Tuesday's weigh in as my weekly weigh in. I am assuming I will not want to weigh in the day after Thanksgiving. I will be attempting to eat within reason on Thanksgiving day, but I will not be counting calories. The day after Thanksgiving though I have to jump right back into my new habits. That will be the real test.

I also had a non scale victory this week. On Monday I bought a bag of Dove chocolates for emergencies. That is normal behavior, right? Every has emergency chocolate, yes? I actually managed to ignore the chocolate until Thursday. I am not sure what the emergency was, but I really needed chocolate. I took one out and told myself that I could have ONE if I promised to stop there. I did it! Today I saw the bad again and I could not stop thinking about it. I gave myself the same lecture that I did yesterday and had success again. I was quite happy with that. I am keeping the bag in the freezer and it seems to help a little. When they are in the cupboard I can grab one and eat it before I even sit down to enjoy it. When they are frozen I am still enjoying when I get to my seat. I am feeling proud and in control.

Surprise

It's so surprising how quickly things change. If I am eating well and have a day "off" then I immediately feel like shit and seem to "give up" on health. Thankfully though, the opposite is true as well. I have been back on track all week. I can honestly say that I have counted every calorie I have consumed since Monday morning. I am so happy and feeling completely better (well, minus being exhausted. I just can't seem to adjust to 5am wake up calls.). Interestingly enough this is the week I went back to Hal Higdon's training schedule. It is so nice to have such sort runs right now. Even though they are totally kicking my ass. It is at least keeping me moving through the start of the cold months. Today I did 1.5 miles on the treadmill. I did have to walk once, but that is still improvement for me.

I still feel like I need to recap from the weekend so hopefully this will be the last 'all over the place' entry; at least for a little bit. So this weekend we had 5 of our favorite friends come to visit us. We had a race to run together. I know, how could I not have shared that I was training for a race? Well, this was a .1k. Yes, you read that correctly, a point one k. It was amazing! It was a fun run/beer run. It was being sponsored by some of the bars downtown and they had a block closed off for the run and then drink specials at the bars after we ran. It was definitely fun and I would probably do it again, but I definitely drank way to much. We were lucky enough to have Nate's sister in law spend pretty much all of Saturday with little lady. It felt really good to spend a day being carefree. However, it did take me until Tuesday to feel recovered.

Another recent surprise happened on Tuesday morning. Little lady and I were headed off for the day. I backed out of the garage and noticed a huge wild turkey next to the driveway. I thought it was insane and quickly ran back inside to grab a camera. I walked across the driveway to find out where that thing went and as I passed the garage something behind it caught the corner of my eye.

suburban turkeys

There was about 15 turkeys in my yard! I thought it was hilarious and shocking. I was walking towards them to try to get a better picture and spooked them. They started flying over the fence into the neighbor's yard. I sort of paniced for a minute, not sure if I should take a picture of them flying or video. In my panicked hesitation I snapped of pic of the last one over the fence.

Also, tomorrow is weigh in day, but this is the final week of my competition that I joined. It officially ends on Sunday so I will probably just use that as my weight. I will post a current weight by Monday. (We have another set of friends coming to town this weekend so I may be busy.) I have actually been not focusing on the scale. I haven't weighed myself since last Friday. I know I didn't help the weight loss with all the drinking I did over the weekend, but I am hoping the week helped me out. If not, I actually feel ok about that. It is feeling good to just focus on living healthy and not stepping on the scale every time I see it.

Playing catch up.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been feeling quite exhausted. The plan to sleep sort of worked out. My mom came to town Tuesday afternoon and spent some quality time with me and little lady. I think we were both really glad she came! My mom totally did most of the parenting work for almost 24 hours and I got to be slightly lazy.

I did get to use some of her visit time for a run. I had 2.25 miles on my 5k training schedule. I didn't have a 2.25 mile tracked so I aimed for a 2.5 mile run. Oh my gosh, it's amazing how quickly endurance can leave. About 3 weeks ago I ran 6.2 miles with relatively no problems but yesterday I barely made it through 2.5 miles. I am really glad that I decided to follow a 5k training schedule because it does keep me motivated. I felt good to be running and eating on track again.

I know, I know

It's been awhile. I have obviously lost some focus. I spent last week trying to relax and figure out why I can't stay motivated. I failed my healthy eating most days and only worked out one day. I think the main thing that was keeping me focused previously was my training schedule. I managed to follow that thing every single day. I did not always make the best eating choices, but I always did what the schedule said. With that in mind I decided to check out Hal Higdon's 5k training schedule. I didn't use his 5k training for my first 5ks, but I did use it and enjoyed it for my 10k. I thought I would be ok to just run on my own and follow my made up schedule, but if wasn't working. When I see it on the actual schedule I think, "well, Hal Higdon thinks I can run 3 miles today..." It is way more motivating than, "I think I can probably run faster today..." So I am excited for it. It's just something to keep me moving until the December 5k.

I am feeling confident again in my abilities to lose weight. I am slightly disappointed in myself since this is the last week of a weight loss competition that I signed up for and I have not given it my all. I think I am just not motivated by competition. I seem to have the opposite mindset. When I have a bad day, I go straight to, "Oh well, I guess I won't win the competition so I might as well eat ALL the food in the house." I am trying to forget about the competition for this last week and just focus on being healthy. I think it triggers something in my head that freaks out about a deadline and not making it. I am just trying to enjoy this journey, however long it takes me.

I did weigh in on Friday. I did not take a picture because I was so upset, but I saw 168.2. I was glad it wasn't back in the 170s but I was still disappointed that I gained. I knew that I would, but it sucked to see. I actually was surprised that I gained less than 1 pound.

Since we changed the clocks for daylight savings time, I have been exhausted. Little lady is not adjusting well and has been waking up at 5:30 most days. I can not function getting up that early. I think part of my lacking motivation is the fact that I am just so effing tired all day every day. (I can't seem to fall asleep for naps.) My mom had mentioned visiting this week because she had 5days off in a row. She started hinting that she would come if we needed a babysitter. I don't know if she didn't want to impose or if she wasn't sure she wanted to make the drive over. We don't need a night out since we partied it up pretty hard this past weekend (a topic for another post) so I had told her she was welcome to visit but we had no plans. This morning as my alarm clock little lady cried out at 5:30 I realized that maybe my mom wants some quality morning time with her granddaughter. I called her at 8am and hammered out the details. On Wednesday I am sleeping until after 7am. I can't wait!

oops I did it again

I seem to be binging more frequently than I have all year long. I was really proud of myself this weekend because I kept everything in line. I enjoyed wine with the hubby and took in the appropriate amount of calories for me, wine included. On Sunday we had planned on having our friends over for possibly the last bonfire of the year. We really just had a lot of wood from the renovation project and wanted to get rid of it. Thankfully, we have some amazing friends that will sit in our yard with us freezing and drink and enjoy each others company. I had saved some calories to enjoy a bit more wine with them, and it almost worked out. After they left though, the kitchen called to me and I just could not leave. I ate probably more in those ten minutes than I did all day. The hubby had to step in and save me. I thought he had fallen asleep so I snuck into the kitchen to get one last treat and he noticed. I totally finished that last treat, but if he hadn't said anything I am betting I would have found more food.

Since we stayed up way to late on Sunday and no one has told little lady that the time has changed. I didn't get much sleep Sunday night. I was super exhausted on Monday morning, but had high hopes for me. I survived the morning, but I couldn't conquer the afternoon. Little lady had fallen asleep for a few minutes in the car so she then refused her afternoon nap. I had planned on painting the trim for the renovation while she slept but couldn't start until she went to sleep. She didn't sleep, I didn't paint, I couldn't nap...I could eat though. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I did eat a large lunch and then sort of grazed all day long. I woke up today feeling gross. It is a new day though and so far so good.

I have figured out a running plan for the next month. I will be running a 5k with my friend on December 16 so I have a few weeks to maintain my running. I looked at a few training plans but decided to come up with something that sounded fun and would work for me.

Monday: 1 mile as fast as possible
Tuesday: cross training
Wednesday: 3 mile run
Thursday: 2 mile speed work
Friday: rest
Saturday: long run
Sunday: stretch

I want to work on my speed a bit but also continue to be able to run long distance (over 4 miles). I tried to do 1 mile fast yesterday, but was not successful. I ended up doing one minute fast, then one minute of walking until I hit one mile. It was much harder than I was expecting. I think this will work for me over the next month since it seems easy, but will actually be challenging to me. I wanted to quit during the entire run yesterday which is good because then I felt awesome when I was done.

Little bit of everything

It's weird how out of touch your mind can be with body while losing weight. Some days I look at clothes and think, there is no way I can fit in that! Other times the opposite occurs. I will get to the mind games in just a moment.

A little background:
As I may have mentioned, the husband has been working on some home renovations. There is a little room off the kitchen (maybe 8'X10') that has always driven us nuts. When we moved in it was more like an L shaped room and the missing square of the floor was an open space to an old Michigan basement staircase. The previous owners had a long shelf in the room and that was it. The hubby put doors on the room to keep us safe from falling down the crazy staircase, but other than that the room has been mostly wasted space. We put some junk on the shelf and we put tubs on the floor for recycling. We had talked about turning the room into a pantry area and creating much more storage space.

The hubby decided now was the time. He wanted to gut the room and start over. (This would give him some practice for the kitchen renovation that we REALLY want, which may be this spring.) He has done a great job with the renovation. He ripped up the staircase and created floor to have a rectangular room instead of an L shaped room. He created a new staircase(out of the old boards-even better!), ripped up the flooring, pulled off the ceiling tiles (finding drywall underneath that just had to be touched up) and fixed all the little things that the previous owners worked around. This weekend he finally got it to the point of painting. The only renovating that I can do better than him is painting so I am the house painter. We really wanted to get the painting and flooring done this weekend since we are booked almost straight through until Christmas.

So Saturday night I had to prime the room. As little lady's bedtime approached I started to get things together to paint. I started to worry about what I would wear to paint. (I can paint, but am totally a disaster and paint does get everywhere.) The last time I painted was probably during my pregnancy (windows were open and I had doctors permission). I remember my painting outfit being a bit snug. I had a mini panic attack that I wouldn't be able to fit into the painting outfit. Then, I remembered that I have actually lost a considerable amount of weight and might be to small for my painting outfit. I went to my closet to find my paint covered clothes. I looked at the jeans and they were a size 14; for some reason this made me panic again. I still have 12s that are not comfortable so I worried that these wouldn't fit. I put on the outfit and was pleasantly surprised by the bagginess of the outfit. It was just such an odd mental battle going on for those few minutes.

old paint clothes. thankfully baggy

On another jean related issue. I was looking through my closet at my jean supply. It used to have a lot of jeans in various sizes that mostly didn't fit me. I have been setting a few on the side that I think will fit next. I noticed there aren't many jeans waiting to fit. I actually only have two pairs waiting to be 'next.' (Plus one pair of tight size 12 thrifted Calvin Kleins)The previously mentioned thrifted seven for all mankind and a brand new pair of Old Navy size 10 jeans.

Let me back up again to explain why I would have Old Navy jeans after my previous post mentioning the article about Old Navy and Gap making gateway mom jeans. These were actually bought years ago and I had forgotten about them. When I was losing weight before my wedding I was convinced that I would do Weight Watchers forever and that I could continue to lose weight. At Christmas 2007 I was wearing the pants that I am wearing today, a pair of Old Navy size 12 jeans. I asked my mom to get me the exact same pair in a size 10 because I thought I would fit them soon. I tried them on Christmas morning and I could not get into them. They have sat in a box since then. Yesterday I tried them on and although they do not fit yet I think it would be awesome to wear them this year for Christmas. I am not going to panic to much about it, but it would be fun to show them to my mom this year.

Back at it

Today was my first actual run since the 10k. I decided to make it a longer run because I really want to keep my endurance up. I decided to just run for awhile, but hadn't set an exact distance to aim for. I just want to run for fun before I start training for my next event. I learned one thing on today's run: the small runs during the week are actually important! Who knew? So, yeah, I struggled on today's run.

It was in the 30s when I headed out to run so I decided to try out my winter running tights. I felt pretty goofy. I wore the running tights, a pair of running shorts over them, a long sleeve shirt and my 10k race tee over the long sleeves. I asked the husband if I looked a bit to ridiculous. (I may have been hoping he would say that I looked ridiculous so I could just stay home.) He said quite possibly the best thing I have ever heard come out of his mouth..."You look like a runner." How could I not run after hearing that? I headed out.

looking like a runner?

It was cold, but I felt comfortable in my new running gear. My running tights were a bit tight on my butt and waist so I was thankful for the running shorts because they seemed to hide some of the issues I was having. The running shorts did ride up throughout most/all of the run but I didn't really care and couldn't feel it so oh well. I ended up running about 5 miles. Once I was on the trail I was planning on just running a 4 mile run but at the turn around point there were people and since I am so awkward I just couldn't turn around in front of them. (Thank you awkwardness!) I am not positive on how far I ran since I am not keeping count right now, but I believe it was around 5 miles. I finished at 57:00. I felt good.

I want to make myself a training schedule for the winter months. I need to keep running and not lose all of the work that I have put into this. I am thinking of combining a little from Hal Higdon's winter training schedule and his intermediate 5k schedule since I may be running a 5k in mid December. I am also toying with the idea of running a half marathon in April which would make half marathon training start in mid January. How exciting!

I am researching the different Garmin forerunners as well this weekend. I have wanted one since I started running and found out that these things exist. I wanted to be sure that I was hooked on running before trying to invest in one and I feel that running is sticking! I have been mentioning it to the hubby as a possible Christmas gift for pretty much the whole time too. It is looking hopeful. We don't usually spend much on gifts for each other, but he is willing to make an exception for me. How sweet. (Although he also has his eyes on some expensive new tools.)

I also had a small victory last night. The Halloween candy was calling me. I ignored it all day and then for some reason I started to give in. Thankfully little lady was awake and loves candy so I couldn't really just sit in front of her and eat all of her candy. That just didn't seem nice. I gave her one piece and then took one tootsie roll. I used my candy corn trick, tootsie rolls are not my favorite so again I felt like I could have one and stop at one. It worked! I felt like I had eaten candy and didn't want anymore. I am sure I would have enjoyed a delicious chocolate bar more but I can't seem to have just one. I will admit that after little lady went to bed the chocolate continued to taunt me. I even held it in my hands twice. I won though, all of the chocolate is still there!

Sorry this post is all over the place. I have a lot of thought running through my head and am feeling super positive today. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Friday figures

I woke up overly excited to step on the scale. Embarrassing side note: I even dreamed about it. In my dream I weighed 162.4. Which would be nice but not really possible this morning. Since last week I weigh 169.7 I was really hoping to not see the 70s. I stepped on the scale and bam!

167.4! That felt good! I don't know why I was so nervous. I ate good on Friday and most of Saturday. Saturday night we went to a party and I overdid it and stayed off track on Sunday and Monday. I got my act together Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. It paid off and I am feeling great! I am back in the game!

My goal for this week is to stay on track AND not touch the scale until next Friday.

Update: As I was getting dressed this morning I came across a dilemma, I had clean laundry for hubby and little lady, but my laundry was far overdue. The jeans that I have been wearing were a bit sticky from Halloween night and I was meeting with the MOMS club. I try to look nice if I have somewhere to be, although if I had to wear sticky pants a MOMS club meeting would be the place. They would understand. I decided that since I am at my new low weight I should try on my jean pile and see where I am at. I had three pairs that I thought would fit me soon. One was a thrifted size 12 Calvin Klein jeans, they buttoned today but were really tight (large muffin top tight) and short. Another was a pair of thrifted jeans- 11/12 Aeropostale and they fit a little better. They were a bit tight, but I actually set them aside to be washed and put in the wearable area. That was exciting for me!

The big event though was "the jeans." I believe I have mentioned the jeans that I have been dying to wear. I bought them the weekend of my bachelorette party and remember being so excited for them. This was the first pair of jeans that I bought with friends at a cute/hip store at the mall. I was ecstatic when I bought them and felt great. I wore them for awhile until they just didn't fit. I have held onto them in hopes that one day I would fit into them again. I remember at the beginning of this weight loss journey I went through my closet and tried on clothes that fit me at my smallest. I was so depressed seeing tiny shirts that couldn't hold my large arms and cute jeans that would not fit. I remember this specific pair of jeans seemed so small. I couldn't even fit my leg into them. I had tried them on a few weeks ago and got them buttoned but they were not public ready. In today's desperation, I tried them on. They fit!

Little lady just can't resist a picture! The jeans! Not to big of a muffin top.

Now I must add that they don't fit like they used to and I don't know that they will be a favorite. They are still a little tight, but not bad at all. I know they will not be tight for much longer, but the problem I have is the length. Whoa, are these jeans long! I don't think my height has changed much over the years, but these jeans suggest otherwise. I am guessing that I wore them with heels so that could be the problem. Perhaps they will get added in to the date night/girls night out jeans. I am still over the moon that they fit. I am feeling great today!

Daily Double

Yikes, two posts in one day! I am actually feeling really positive about my health right now AND had some free time so I thought I would use this time to my advantage. I normally blog during little lady's nap and usually feel rushed because either I have other chores I still have to get done before she wakes up or else I know that at any moment she could wake up. She is currently in bed for the night and hubby has been working on some home renovation so I thought I would share some thoughts.

I have spent the last few days activity trying to get my mindset back into healthy living. One of the things that really helps me is to read other weight loss blogs. I get so excited when I find a new one that seems interesting to me and (nerd alert) I will go to the beginning of the blog and read through each entry. It's like instant gratification! I can watch/read someone's huge weight loss progress within a few days. It can be so motivating and comforting! It is also the main reason that I started this blog, so that maybe one day someone will read this and find some type of inspiration.

This week I have found a few new to me blogs and read through some of them. I wish I could remember which blog I read this in (if you know, please let me know and I will give credit/thank the author) but the woman was talking about how or why this time was different than other weight loss attempts. She felt that her weight loss was different this time around because there was no time limit attached to it. I kept thinking about that all week. That made so much sense to me! I really, truly feel that this is the time I make it to my goal. I think it is different because last time(the only time) I successfully lost a large amount of weight was for my wedding. I remember constantly looking at my weigh-ins and thinking either, "yay, I am on track to be at goal by my wedding" or "well, if I keep this up I won't make it to goal for the wedding." While I was actually losing things were good, but I would go completely off track if I had an off week. It was like my mind figured that if I couldn't be at my goal for the wedding, then why stay on track. I mean who wants to weigh 150 at their wedding when they could weigh 145? Obviously not worth my time...so instead I let myself hang on at 160, lame. Once the day passed, I couldn't stay in the weight loss mindset and went back to old habits.

This time I have no deadline. I don't even focus on when I could be at goal. Occasionally I do dream of when it could happen, but I don't really focus on how long. Which is probably a really good thing since I am taking it so slow this time. I averaged 10 pounds/month on Weight Watchers with my first weight loss. This time around I have only lost about 30 pounds in just short of 8 months. But...I lost 30 pounds!!! If I lose 30 more pounds over the next year, I will be at goal.

Trick or treat

We survived Halloween! I even did fairly well with my eating. I ate well throughout the day and had a light but filling dinner before heading out. Since we live on a main road and people don't trick or treat on it, the neighbors behind us invited us over to pass out candy with them. (They live on a court in a subdivision.) They told us they would have food, drinks, and jello shots. We decided that instead of just cutting through the yard to them we would trick or treat with little lady down the street to their house. It worked out perfectly. We stopped at about ten houses and then arrived at our neighbors to pass out candy.

The first house little lady went to! She was so cute. (Also, I love the neighbors in the background.)

I had brought two bags of candy to pass out and was hoping we wouldn't have to bring any home (which we did not, other than what little lady collected- another reason that ten houses were enough). The neighbors had chili, soup, pigs in a blanket, snacks and jello shots. I had a few jello shots and then stuck to the wine that I brought. I don't drink wine super fast so it seemed safe for me. I did eat about ten pieces of candy corn and 2 little pretzels. I felt good about that. I did not touch the delicious chocolate candy because one piece always leads to more. I felt successful at Halloween. I also have not touched little lady's candy. I am hoping the hubby will eat it up otherwise I will throw it out. (I would donate, but there really isn't that much there.)

I am feeling a bit more in control again and am thankful for that. I really think focusing on my lunch has helped me. Tomorrow I will weigh in. I am nervous and excited. I actually have not been on the scale since Friday. Wow! That is a record for me. I am actually just hoping for a maintain since I was off track as many days as I was on track. I think I would like to try to just step on the scale once a week. I feel obsessive and it really affects my mood. I usually end up eating more though because I know I won't have to face the numbers. It if could keep my eating in check and just weigh in on weigh in day though, I think it would be more exciting for me. Perhaps this will be my week.

Breakfast of champions

 I am having such a hard time staying motivated right now. I am totally blaming the weather! I did manage to stay on track yesterday and I feel good about that. I even tried to run. I decided that I wanted to run yesterday so I busted out the old treadmill. Oh boy, do I hate that thing. I started out and my thighs felt weird, like it was painful when they jiggled (embarrassing) but I kept going. Normally I know they jiggle, but I can't actually feel it. I was trying to pick up the pace and my calf started hurting. Back track: The night after the 10k I was feeling fine. Nothing seemed sore from my 10k. When I was laying in bed, I did a full body stretch and my calf cramped up really bad. It cramped up off and on through the night. Since that night though it has seemed fine. Back to my story: As I was attempting to pick up speed my calf was starting to cramp. I decided that since I didn't have to run/wasn't enjoying it that I could stop. I really don't want to cause an injury unnecessarily. I was disappointed in myself that I didn't even run for a full 10 minutes, but I let it go.

I was going to do a Jillian Michaels workout today, but it started with a lot of arm swinging and then into push ups and for whatever reason my shoulder is still having issues. I decided that I would do a brisk half hour walk on treadmill. That seems good for a recovery week.

I did have a bit of a non scale victory yesterday along with staying within my calories for the day. I went grocery shopping and actually stuck to my list (for the most part)! I have been enjoying yogurt as a snack so I needed to pick up some yogurt. While looking through the yogurt for my new favorite, Muller, I noticed they had a bit more variety than last week. I had found Muller yogurt and fruit mousse. It is delicious and perfect when I want something sweet. This time along side of the fruit mousse yogurt there were little yogurts with "accessories." They had fruit ones, but of course I was much more intrigued with the desserty types. They had yogurt with "choco balls" and another with caramelized almonds. The fruit mousse yogurt is less than 150 calories (high for a snack, but worth it to me) but these treats were over 200 calories. I bought one of each and decided they could be a breakfast option. Here comes the non scale victory part: I tend to get home from the grocery and want "just a taste" of every delicious food that I brought home. I was trying to move some calories around and eat a yogurt after lunch. I knew that if I spent those extra calories right after lunch, I would be hungry and in need of those calories later. I managed to resist the yogurt all day, even after enjoying a glass of wine!

I did decide that the perfect Halloween Breakfast would be yogurt with "choco balls." I believe I was right.
Breakfast of champs.

yummy holiday breakfast

delicious, but the picture is deceiving

lazy week

I have decided to give myself a week to relax before figuring out what to do next with my running schedule. I really liked having a running schedule so I want to have something to follow and stick with. I also don't want to burn myself out with running so I decided to let myself slack for a week and just run if/when I feel like it.

I really want to focus on my diet this week. I have not truly gotten my eating back in control in a few weeks. I have off and on days which is what my whole summer was and I hated just bouncing back and forth with a few pounds. I really don't want to do that all fall as well. I also really worry on my bad days because it reminds me that I have lost weight before AND gained it all back. I will not let that happen again! I know this time is different because I am loving my running and am not as focused on losing weight and I for sure don't have deadlines for when I would like to have the weight gone. I am more than okay with taking the slow road, especially if it leads to keeping the weight off.

I am feeling good today. I went to bed early last night and am on track for the day. My food is figured out for the day and I feel like I can handle it. I think one of my challenges is lunch. I eat the same breakfast pretty much every day (English muffin with peanut butter) and I plan out a weekly dinner menu, but lunch is just sort of there for me. I realized that when I am on track with my health I am in a good lunch rut. I was in love with my salmon a few weeks ago and that was one of the last times I was really on track. I enjoyed my lunch and then felt satisfied until dinner. These past few weeks I have been throwing together lunch ideas quickly at the last moment. Sometimes they just aren't satisfying and I end up grazing all day long.

I found an interesting coconut chicken recipe that sounds really good to me, but hubby hates coconut. I decided to make a batch tomorrow for lunch and then just portion out servings for each day for my lunch. I think it would be a great idea to make one meal each week that the hubby doesn't/wouldn't like and just eat that each day for lunch. It seems like a win/win for us both. I can enjoy my odd foods and hubby doesn't even have to look at them.

Race recap

Saturday was the day of my first 10k. It was unlike the other race days that I have had. I have only ran two other official races, but for each one I woke up early and had some nice relaxing time before I slowly got ready. This race didn't begin until 10am so I wasn't super worried about being ready on time. Little lady is always up by 7 or 7:30. We were staying at my mom's house so I already had all of my running things together in my overnight bag. I felt prepared. (I did realize that I forgot the camera while we were driving and we were much to far to turn around.)

Friday night the hubby went out to meet up with some friends and I stayed at my mom's with little lady and planned a good night's sleep. I was exhausted and in bed at 9:30. I vaguely remembered hubby slipping into bed later. I slept so good. I went to check my clock at the next time I was slightly awake and it was 7:56am! Are you kidding me?!? We never all sleep this late. Hubby woke up as I was checking my clock and he went to check on little lady. I didn't feel super panicked when I woke up. My mom had said we planned on getting to the race around 9am. We were all (hubby, mom, grandma, aunt, uncle, little lady and myself) riding together in grandma's van to help with parking. For some reason though, in my mind, I kept thinking we had to leave at 9.

I got out of the bedroom and my mom was rushing around and mentioned we would be leaving at 8:30 to get there at 9. I kicked it into high gear and quickly realized I would not be having a relaxing morning. I started drinking some water and got myself into my race gear. I quickly got little lady dressed and put some snacks (for little lady) and a Clif bar(for me) into a bag for the race. I made some coffee to drink in route and ran over to my grandma's (she lives 2 houses down from my mom) to put little lady's gear in the car. We headed over to pick up my aunt and uncle while I enjoyed my coffee and got a little realxing in.

It was pretty cold out Saturday morning so once we got parked and found the starting line my mom, aunt, uncle, grandma and little lady went back to the car to keep warm while hubby and I wandered around. This was the point that race day nerves kicked in for me. I just sort of paced in circles for about a half hour and ate my breakfast Clif. My uncle joined us in the cold for a bit and we all chatted. Then, it was time for the 10k runners to line up. I said my goodbyes and good lucks to my hubby and uncle and headed to the start line. This is were the nerves really kicked in. This was a small race and there were less than 300 runners in the 10k. I realized there was a chance that most of these people were much more experiences than me. I started worrying about being dead last. I had to keep reminding myself that this was my race and I was ready.

We took off and I felt good- even with the feeling that everyone was passing me up. Once we all got into our own space and I found my rhythm, I felt good. I felt even better after the first 3 miles. I ran without my headphones and really wished that I had brought them because it was a little boring to run that long without music, but at the same time I really felt like I was part of the group. I wasn't nearly as slow as I was imagining because there was a little group of us that were running similar paces together. There was a mom pushing a double stroller with 2 kids! I talked to her for a minute and was super impressed with her since I die just pushing one small child.

The course was pretty fun too. It was at a park that we used to swim at when we were little. The course started along the water, then cut along a trail through the woods, over a path in the grass and up and down some dirt hills. It was a little more intense than my flat paved trail, but not to challenging. 

I had three goal for myself: 1. just finish 2. run the whole thing 3. finish in less than 1:15:00. I did all three! I ran the until 10k in 1:08:26! I was so proud! It felt amazing. I started to feel tired around 5.5 miles. We quickly got to the end portion and I could hear an announcer. I picked it up a little and was feeling good. As we got back to the parking lot, I could see the crowd. I scanned the people for my family and saw hubby up ahead waving at me. I ran to him and high fived him as he kept yelling, "Keep going! You're gonna do this!" I turned the corner and cooked it for the tunnel. Hubby quickly ran back through the crowd to meet me at the end. I heard the announcer say my name and found hubby with his hand out again. I high fived him once more and was shuffled through to the 10k finishers area. I got my first racing medal!

I found hubby once more and gave him a huge sweaty hug and asked where my family was. He said that he hadn't found them yet, but thought maybe they were back in the car. We wanted to find the official times before we headed to the car so we started walking around. I happened to look back towards the people still running in and noticed my mom on the course. We bolted through the crowds to cheer her on through the finish line. My aunt was just ahead of her and we learned that my uncle was still out there.

I spent some time in my head trying to figure out how they were still out there after I managed to finish my 10k. I hadn't really thought about what time they would be done since the 5k left at 10:15. Again I seemed to have forgotten the concept of time and didn't realize that if there would be a chance we would finish around the same time. My mom, aunt, and uncle walked the 5k. My mom and aunt finished in less than an hour and my mom beat her last time by 2 minutes!

We found our times and headed back to the car to find my grandma and little lady. (Grandma was keeping little lady safe while we got our run on.) I was feeling super amazing, but hubby was bummed. He was super proud that he had actually ran the whole 5k this time (last one he ran and walked through) and thought he did amazing. He saw his time was about 35 minutes and was super disappointed. (last one was just under 30) He didn't say much about the run all day, but I could tell he was very disappointed. When we got home on Sunday, we had an email that the 5k turn around was off and the course was a little longer than it should have been and that they updated the times. His finishing time stayed the same, but his pace went from about 11:30 min/mile to 9:52 min/mile. It would have been under 30 minutes! He is amazing!

I am so proud of myself and my family for our run adventures!

I wore this shirt Saturday and Sunday and of course the medal!

Friday figures and an overdue farewell

I am not going to lie, but I definitely thought about trying to use an old picture for my weigh in this week. It definitely could have been worse but I am very disappointed with myself. With that said though, I am not shocked I knew I was only half in this week. I get to start fresh again and I am ready!

On a positive note, I do feel good about owning up to this weight gain. When I was losing on weight watchers there was no way I would have gone to a meeting just to see a gain. I would have changed weigh in days or skipped the week all together. I think it's a positive step to just own it and move on.

Another slight positive here is that even with all the over eating I did this week I managed to stay out of the 170s that is a step in the right direction. All summer long I stayed around 174-178. I would just bounce up and down in that range. I think publicly posting my weigh ins keeps me constantly aware that even though I am still in the 160s, I gained over a pound. I think this will help keep me losing weight and not bouncing around with my weight.

In all of this disastrous eating I have done this week I do have a food related NSV. I have been mentioning here and there that I really want to enjoy life and not over due this whole "dieting" thing. I really do feel like this is a lifestyle that I am enjoying and therefore can enjoy the occasional treat. I also know that "occasional" treat can easily get out of hand with me. Yesterday evening, the hubby and I took little lady on a short hike. It was wonderful but on the way home hubs decided he wanted to stop at McDonald's for an ice cream. I can't control his eating nor do I want to nag him all the time. I was thinking about getting an ice cream since I had already eaten more than I had planned for dinner. (that makes total sense, right?). I was planning on ordering some tasty ice cream even while we were in the drive thru. Thankfully though there was a long line which gave me time to think. I realized that I wasn't even really in the mood for ice cream and if I was I would much rather splurge on quality ice cream. I successfully passed up ice cream!


I have also decided to say farewell to an old friend. These pants were the pants I wore in the hospital after having little lady. I had bought them one size bigger than I was wearing because I heard you are swollen so these pajama pants are size XXL. I was super embarrassed to buy them, but once I put them on I didn't care what they said. They were soft, warm and welcoming-just what I needed at that time.

exposed elastic

worn with love

I think I may have clung on to them just a bit to long. I have been letting them comfort me when I have plenty of other pajama pants that can love me now. I have realized that when I binge, I look for these pants. I don't want to keep fat pajama pants lying around the house. I don't need them nor should I be wearing torn up pants. (probably shouldn't be posting pictures of my worn out pjs online for everyone to see either) These are heading out to the trash today.

I do love the way that they give the impression that I don't have a muffin top though. Soon enough though, I won't have a muffin top.

Spring day in October

The weather yesterday and today has been amazing! It makes me so happy when it's nice out. I hear we are back to our regularly scheduled October weather tomorrow. It was nice to have a little spring preview though. I think my moods are definitely affected by the weather.

Yesterday I had a near perfect healthy living day. I did "enjoy" a bit yesterday, but it was in my calorie range. I was making chocolate covered pretzels for little lady's Halloween party today and had a bit of extra melted chocolate after the pretzels were done. I didn't want to waste chocolate so I made a few chocolate covered strawberries. They were delicious and I truly enjoyed them! Plus, I didn't even feel guilty.


This morning little lady and I went to her Halloween party. I tried to get a cute picture of her in her costume but it wasn't cooperating well. I was bummed that the felt pieces of her peacock tail kept getting covered. I might try to brain storm a way to make it better for Halloween. She did get a lot of compliments though so I was happy.

I swear it was much cuter in person.

Little lady took a tractor ride and made a new friend. Her friend doesn't look as happy as she does.

I also managed to stay on track at the party. There are always so many tasty little treats at a party. It's tough because they were all little bite sizes which almost made you want to taste them all. I figured that would add up pretty quickly. I had a small piece of bread and half of a pig in a blanket. Both of which I had tried to offer little lady because I thought they were a better choice than cookies, but she didn't agree and wouldn't eat them. I felt bad just offering them to her and throwing them away since it would also be rude to put them back down after I touched them. So I guess I count it as enjoying the party as a regular person who is not food obsessed (or perhaps just obsessed with not being food obsessed). I counted the calories of what I ate and have already written down the rest of my meals for the day and it should be a success.

I am planning on enjoying the rest of this day's amazing weather. The hubby called this morning and asked if we could go hiking when he gets home if it's still this nice out. I was pretty stoked because he doesn't always want to be super active after a long day of work and there is a new trail near our house that I have been wanting to check out. My friend and I were actually supposed to hike it yesterday after out run but we ran out of time. I hope everything is enjoying this unusually nice fall weather!

Halloween fun

I am seriously stuck in some rut. I get so frustrated with myself and my own lack of self control. I did great all day yesterday. Then, the hubby and I had an opportunity to stop by a new local brewery. I figured I could enjoy one beer. I am still trying to focus on keeping my calories in check, but not let it get in the way of enjoying life. I ordered one beer and that was the plan. The hubby got a beer and a side of homemade chips. I wish I could say I was strong enough to refuse the chips, but I did mention they were homemade, right? I wish I could say I only had a taste of the chips, but who can eat just one chip? Gross, I totally shared the chips with the hubby. I guess that is better than wolfing down the whole plate of them.

I also wish I could say I stopped at the chips. We got home and I was feeling the buzz from my one beer. Then I felt the regret of eating chips. Somehow the only way for me to cope with eating more than I had planned was to continue to eat until I went to sleep. I am not planning a great weigh in for Friday this week, but I will weigh in. I need to be able to own up to the damages that I cause.

I am happy to say that today was a much better day health wise than yesterday. I ate reasonably AND went for a 2 mile run with a friend. My last run before my 10k! I also went for a 2 hour long walk with another friend. It was in the 70s here today, which is unheard of for Michigan in November so I really wanted to get the most out of it. I also stayed on track with my eating.

I have been a bit busy these past few days. I was planning on having little lady wear her Halloween costume from last year. It was a little big on her then and she is still a tiny little girl. I tried it on her about a month ago and it fit her for the most part. Since then though I have noticed some of her pants are awkwardly short on her. This weekend I was realizing that last year's costume may not work for her anymore and I was thinking about picking up a clearance costume for her.

On Sunday night I was looking at Pinterest before bed and saw the cutest peacock tutu ever. I thought it looked easy enough to make, but wasn't sure I would like it enough for her costume. I figured it would at least be cute for dress up if it didn't work as her costume. Monday morning we made a quick trip to the craft store and bought out supplies. I think I spent about $15 so not a bad price for a costume. I made her the tutu and it came out super cute! I also grabbed a pair of orange Halloween socks and made them into leg warmers to give her some nice bird legs. I bought a barrette and some peacock feathers as well for her to wear in her hair. She has a ruffly romper outfit that she wore for her one year photos and is perfect underneath. I just need to get her a long sleeve shirt to match under everything.

peacock tutu, hair clip and orange bird leg warmers

Weekend Recap

I know, I am slightly behind here. I had a great weekend, but lost steam some time on Sunday. I was really proud of myself on Friday night. I was feeling a binge coming on and did overeat, but actually counted everything I ate and was over by 200 calories. I felt ok about it and didn't count it as a binge because I did feel in control the whole time. I really felt genuinely hungry.

Saturday was busy crazy day of Farmers market, long run and a baby shower. I kept my calories in line even counting the food at the shower and not using my run calories. I was feeling really good!

Then Sunday hit. I don't know what went wrong, but I should have just stayed in bed. We had planned on meeting up with the husband's mom and step dad for some fall fun. We went to a pumpkin patch and an apple orchard. It was really fun but none of the kid activities were open before noon. That left one delicious option to keep us entertained. Doughnuts. We sat around and enjoyed coffee and doughnuts. I did good while there. I had half of a pumpkin cream cheese and half of a caramel apple doughnut. I figured one doughnut wouldn't hurt me. I was thinking about this long term and I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding cider mill doughnuts, that's no way to live! I don't want to pick up doughnuts each trip to the grocery store either so I feel happy with an occasional cider mill doughnut. 

Little lady picking out the perfect pumpkin.

Little lady thought it was fun to "swim" in the rocks at the apple orchard.

Unfortunately/fortunately my husband doesn't seem to have a problem with self control. He bought a dozen doughnuts for us all to share. We maybe ate 6 doughnuts there and brought the rest home. I am guessing you can see where this story is going? We got home and I am still feeling this funk that I am fighting to get out of. I decided I would eat one more doughnut while I cooked a squash for lunch. One lead to two which lead to all sorts of other food mistakes. It also ended with me requesting pizza for dinner. We cooked frozen pizza and I ate three slices because I was seriously so stuffed from the day long binge I had been on. I was so uncomfortable that I nearly cried. I just wanted to puke and sleep it off. We watch some tv and the hubby put his arm around me. I wanted to cry because the weight of his arm was crushing my now bloated stomach and it was physically painful. 

I woke up on Monday morning with that great womanly surprise that explains why you just want to eat and cry. Ugh, gross. I did weigh myself which I knew would be crazy, but I tend to not weigh myself the day after a binge then struggle to get my eating back on track until I finally weigh in and accept it. I actually saw 175 again. I felt defeated but I knew a lot of it was water weight. By the time I got dressed my weight was 172. This morning I was back in the 160s so I am ok. I have to remember that this is not a race. It took my all summer to get out of the 170s so I am fine if it takes me all fall to get out of the 160s. Well, as long as I head to the 150s. I will do it eventually.

running and more running

Today was my last long training run. I was feeling really anxious about it for no real reason. I think it may have just hit me that next week is my first 10k! I really wanted to get my run done as soon as possible. I had a few things to get done this weekend and I just didn't want the run to be hanging over my head the whole time. The hubby agreed to watch little lady for the run so it was just a matter of lining up his errands and mine. He headed out to Menards early while little lady and I went to the recycling center and the farmers market. (It was my last chance for the year.)

As soon as hubby got home from Menards, I was out the door. The schedule had a 5.5 mile run for today, but after my best run ever I have sort of tried adding on an extra quarter mile to each long run. I was aiming for 5.75 miles. Since I don't have a Garmin (yet) and I don't have a smart phone I just use landmarks for distance. I occasionally use mapmyrun.com to get an idea of where I should turn. Conveniently the trail that I run on seems to have streets crossing it about every quarter mile so usually it just works out that I run until the next street on the trail. This morning I went online to see where I would turn and noticed that the next street I would cross on the trail was quite a bit further down and would have made my run well over 6 miles. I wasn't quite interested in that. I decided that I would just have to guess an extra quarter mile from where I turned around last week. (quarter mile out and back gives me an extra half mile)

Once I hit the trail and was feeling good I realized that I would never be really sure how far I ran and then would be extra nervous about adding on mileage at the 10k. I realized that if I turned at last weeks spot and ran back to the road that leads to my house, I could just cross over that road and run to the next street on the opposite side of the trail. I assumed it would add the necessary half mile and I could rest easy this week.

My run went well. I was feeling pretty good through most of it. I wore what I think I will wear next weekend for the official race and had no wardrobe issues so that was good. I ate what I think I will eat for breakfast around the same time I think I will be eating next weekend. The run took place around the same time it should next weekend. It took me awhile to finish though. I am not sure of my speed because I do run with a stopwatch but I forgot to start it at the beginning and learned that it stops keeping time after one hour. So, it did take me well over an hour for this run.

When I got home I decided to see how far I ran according to mapmyrun. I was shocked to see that I had ran 6.04 miles! I am feeling much more confident for next weekend! I can't believe that it is even impossible for me to run 6 miles! Plus I did it straight through, no walking stops! As long as the hills don't mess me up to much there is actually a chance I will run the whole thing!

Friday figures

I am back to the weekly weigh ins! I was hoping to see more of a loss since it has been two weeks since I posted a weigh in, but I am still just happy to post a loss.

I am down 1.1 lbs from two weeks ago. I was feeling down about it until I looked at my previous weigh in and remembered how excited I was when I posted 168.7 so I decided that I need to be even happier with a 167.

Today I am struggling with an old mentality- When I was on Weight Watchers, after I would weigh in I would eat whatever I wanted for the rest of the day. Since I "officially" weighed in today AND had a loss my mind keeps wandering to the kitchen. I am really trying to make my new habits a lifestyle and gorging myself on treats after seeing lower numbers just doesn't seem productive. I want to enjoy the treats throughout the week when they come around; such as enjoy tapas on Wednesday night.

I have kept myself on track so far today and dinner is already in the crock pot. I will continue to stay strong and have another loss next Friday.

Living Experiences

Last night was the MOMS night out for October. I was excited and nervous for it as usual. I enjoy going out with the other moms once per month, but at the same time I always feel awkward and haven't really connected to anyone in this group yet. I am still glad that I joined though, all of the moms are really nice.

Last night's adventure took us to a tapas bistro downtown, San Chez. I had never been there before, but have always heard great things about it. I was really looking forward to seeing what this place was all about. I knew tapas were small food portions, but I wasn't sure if we would be eating there. I thought we were just going out for drinks. I had a reasonable dinner before I left and had figured I could enjoy a drink or two. Once we all got to the restaurant and got situated though, it became obvious that we would be sharing some tapas. I felt panicked and wanted to leave immediately. I had not budgeted for food! Everyone decided each mom could pick one tapas and we would share them all. I know that I could have said that I would not be eating, but I felt like I would look foolish not partaking in the foods so I went for it. I was glad that I did because the food was delicious! It was also super expensive so I don't think I would go back therefore just another reason to be glad I got to enjoy it. I just took very small samples of each selection. I also still enjoyed 2 drinks.

On the drive home I was feeling bad about my decisions and felt like I had gone off track. I then remembered that life happens and just a few days ago I realized that even though I am changing my lifestyle to a healthier version, I still want to enjoy life as it happens. I did not overindulge at the restaurant. I just sampled some delicious food with some new mom friends. That is life and that is what I want to be enjoying right now.

Also, I am now 7 days binge free! I was really looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in, but last nights food does make me nervous. I didn't weigh in today(I do weigh myself every morning.) because it was most likely to be higher than the previous day and I didn't want to regret last night. I am hoping that tomorrow's weigh in will be great though.

Feeling it now

I am finally seeing some new numbers on the scale and am starting to get really excited. I feel like it's possible to just fly right out of the 60's and right into the 50's, which is so hard to believe because I spent most of the summer in the 70's gaining and losing the same 5 pounds. I spent the weekend dreaming about what weight I could be at by certain dates and felt really good about it!

Last night I remembered my previous visit to the 50's. I very shortly dropped to the 50's and found it impossible to stay there and eventually just stopped trying and eventually gained every last pound back and then got pregnant to add even more weight. So I am scared. I managed in the 60's before and held on for a bit, but the 50's were not reasonable for me. I keep reminding myself that this journey I am on is mine and completely different than my previous attempts.

As much as I am nervous about how I will handle lower numbers, I started to dream about my goal weight. I have always had my "goal" as 145lbs. My healthy range is 108-146. I picked 145 because it's a nice number and secretly I figured why not stop as soon as I get there? Since my mindset has changed though I started thinking, why stop there? I am thinking perhaps my goal could be 135 with hopes of maintaining in the 30's. It sounds absolutely crazy to me that I could possibly weigh less than 140lbs. However, it doesn't feel impossible anymore, just scary. I am also willing to live in the 40's as long as I need to/possibly forever if that is where my body feels comfortable. I don't want to put stress on myself that isn't necessary. My goal is not to be as skinny as possible my goal is to be as healthy as possible.

Close call

I talked myself out of a potential crisis situation, sort of. Little lady and I finished our grocery shopping for the week today. We had just a few things on our list, one of those being brownie mix. I keep hearing people talk about mixing pumpkin with brownie mix and I really wanted to try it. I have mixed pumpkin with cake mix and liked it, so why not brownie mix. We got to the baking aisle and I saw No Pudge brownie mix which I haven't looked for since being on Weight Watchers. I checked the nutrition label versus other brownie brands and it was slightly lower in calories so I decided on No Pudge brownie mix. My plan was to make them this afternoon, enjoy one, save one for hubby and freeze the rest individually. Then, I would have portion controlled brownies when I needed them. I mean, sure I haven't needed brownies on this whole journey yet, but I figured I should prepare now. (Although I have secretly eaten mug brownies during some times of out of control eating.)

While deciding on which brownie mix I would use, something caught my attention- carrot cake mix. I don't spend a lot of time looking at the cake mixes so I don't know if this is rare/new, but I don't remember ever seeing this before. I started thinking that pumpkin and carrot cake mix would be quite tasty together. I was thinking about making them into cupcakes and I could freeze those as well. I continued shopping and started thinking about these cupcakes. Everyone knows a carrot cake isn't complete without...cream cheese frosting. Thankfully, I did not buy a container of cream cheese frosting because I am pretty sure I would be sitting here eating it straight out of the container and talking about tomorrow being a new day. However, I remembered last year making a frosting out of cool whip, cream cheese and powdered sugar. I already had cream cheese(1/3 fat) and sugar at home, so I picked up a tub of cool whip(store brand-lite).

It doesn't end there though. While in the cool whip/dessert/ice cream aisle, I decided I should check on the ice cream. Why not, right? I am already there. I might as well look around. What if there is a new flavor there that I haven't seen. Well, wouldn't you know that I saw something I hadn't seen before! It was Arctic Zero ice cream-150 calories a pint. I found chocolate peanut butter and couldn't put it down.

I finished my shopping without any other items that weren't on the list. As I was checking out, I started to panic about the "junk" I was buying. I didn't want it anymore, but felt just as stupid to pull out all the junk food and explain that I didn't want it anymore. I should have been stronger and not cared what my cashier thought, but I carried on and bought the junk.

We got home and I was putting away the groceries away while little lady ate lunch. I could feel my out of control feeling coming back to me. I almost stopped putting the groceries away to warm up my own lunch and eat then. I usually have problems if I eat lunch to early and it almost always leads to me snacking through the entire naptime. I decided to hold off on lunch and continue with the groceries. I put the cool whip in the freezer- I don't like to eat it frozen so I think I can handle it in there. If I take it out to thaw, at least I will have some time to rethink. I put the cake mix in the cupboard and figure I can save my carrot/pumpkin cupcakes for an evening that we have friends over so I know I will have to use self control. I tasted the Arctic Zero. It wasn't as bad as I was imagining, but it also wasn't good enough that I wanted to completely indulge. I am actually glad I bought the ice cream (Is it even ice cream?) because when I have ice cream in the house I usually plan on just having a taste now and then, but a taste always end up being at least a serving or two. This I could taste every once in awhile if I am just feeling snacky.

I left the No Pudge mix on the counter to be baked in the afternoon. As I got little lady situated for her nap I started to get the kitchen cleaned up from her lunch and really thought about these brownies. I am not craving brownies right now, I am just curious how it will taste with pumpkin. I don't need to make brownies today and given that I was feeling "off" I decided that I really shouldn't make brownies today. I put the mix away to save for a day that I can better handle it. Phew!

I checked my 10k training schedule to see what was on plan so I could distract myself from the kitchen and kick this mood to the curb before it ruins the progress I am making again. I had 45 minutes of cross training. I really didn't want to do the treadmill again so I decided to do a workout video. I liked slim in 6 for awhile during my college days and was going to do that, but the DVD wouldn't read. I found Billy's Bootcamp and decided to give it a go. It was interesting to do because I remember not being able to keep up before. It was quick moving, but I could keep up with the Billy! However, 15 minutes into it I was bored and did not want to do a video. I decided that since it's a cross training day and I am being moody I should find something that seems fun to me. I really just wanted to shake the mood and as long as I was moving for 45 minutes, I could count it. I decided to put on some music and use my stairs. I ran up them 10 times during every other song. During the rest of the time I would dance/flail/walk. I ended up climbing my stairs 40 times. It was enough to get my heart going and a little sweaty. Most importantly though, I feel better and in control again. Still no brownie for me though.

Mustard

I did it! I wore my bright yellow mustard sweater out today! I felt amazing and didn't mind if the color brought a little attention my way. I even took a picture of me before I left. I thought I looked amazing and sort of panicked once I was out because occasionally I think I look great in a picture when it's nice and small on the camera and then when it's full size on the computer I realize that I look rough. As soon as little lady went down for her nap, I pulled up the picture on the computer. I was okay with what I saw. It was also nice to only have to take one picture to get a good one and not take a million different pictures to try to make myself look less fat.

feeling much better than last week!

This picture actually helped me on my run this afternoon. I got some more use out of the treadmill today. I had 3 miles on the schedule and figured I could get it in while little lady sleeps. It felt better than last time, but was also super boring. I did not feel like running. I took 2 breaks from the treadmill during the run. I got it done though and feel good about it. As I was nearing the end of my run I kept thinking I could just stop running and call it day, that I didn't need to do the whole 3 miles. Then, I started to think about why I want to run. I was thinking about how nice the picture made me feel. I hate full body photos, but I don't hate this one. I like that my legs are beginning to thin out- running sure is good for the legs! I also really liked that my collarbones really popped in the picture. There have been times where I try to make them pop a little for a picture in hopes of tricking someone into believing that I am not as heavy as I am, but these were truly there on their own- I am betting running may have helped take some of the extra padding off them. I also can see my midsection isn't as big as it was but still has some extra cushion- running will help shrink that down some more. So I finished strong and felt happy!


On a different note there were some possible victories for me this weekend. I turned down pizza twice! I was proud and felt like it was victorious but at the same time I don't want to go over board on not letting myself enjoy pizza occasionally. I felt that I really needed to eat well this weekend after the rough start to last week (it paid off though because I am back down from my binges and heading in the right direction).

While we were out thirfting on Saturday we had planned on going out to lunch. The hubs and I don't always agree on where to eat so before lunch time the hubby told me he would really prefer Jet's (pizza place) or Subway. I agreed on trying to let that happen since Jet's will sell by the slice and I would just order one. I really was hoping for Subway though because Jet's pizza is super greasy. As luck would have it, the plaza we were thrifting in around lunch time had both a Jet's and a Subway. Hubby was set on Jet's and for a second I almost went with him there. I used to have a crazy fear of ordering food alone in a restaurant. Even if we were in a food court, I would eat wherever he was eating from even if I didn't like it so I didn't have to order alone. Thankfully, I snapped out of it before entering Jet's and told him I was going to Subway. He got his pizza and met us (little lady and I) at Subway. We enjoyed our lunch together and I felt successful.

Sunday we had planned on cooking up some of the pierogies we made last month, but as evening got closer, hubby was feeling pizza again. We don't order pizza very often and I tend to always say no when he wants pizza so I told him that he could have pizza, but I was going to eat my planned meal. I felt sort of bad for not sharing dinner with him, but I had already thawed out the pierogies and was actually excited for dinner. I had something new to pair my pierogies with. Last weekend at the farmer's market I bought a huge bag of squash to share with my mom. One of the squashes that I got, the farmer described as sort of a cross between a butternut squash and an acorn squash- it's a butterCUP squash. I hadn't heard of that before and was excited for it.

buttercup squash! I loved the look of it.

The pierogies that I made were my sweet cheese ones so I thought they would go perfectly with a slightly sweet squash. I cut open the squash and "gutted" it, then roasted it in a pan with a little bit of water at 350* for almost an hour. I mashed up the flesh and added about a tablespoon of syrup to it. It was delicious! My pierogie filling was made with low fat ricotta cheese so I don't think they were to bad for me. I felt full and happy, which would not have happened if I ate the pizza (well, full? yes, happy? no)

flesh inside

The seeds were huge! We roasted them for a little snack. They were ok, but I enjoy acorn squash seeds better.

Last side note of this long post. I also found a fruit I had never seen before while I was out today-Kiwi berries. They are about the size of grapes and tasty! I am enjoying my new fruits and veggies. Who knew being healthy could be so fun?!?

cute little kiwi berries

Weekend recap and more

As the weekend comes to and end I can't help but think this was a perfect weekend - slightly lazy, but still accomplished a few things.

Friday I was thinking a lot about my new love of healthy living. I really want to focus more on enjoying life and still being healthy. I don't want to feel like I have to turn down fun events because I don't know if I can control myself. I also want to live in the moment and enjoy life while losing weight. I tend to turn down fun ideas from the husband all of the time because they may involve eating or drinking. I was trying to come up with something fun to do at home on Friday that he would really enjoy. I know that he loves sitting by the campfire and I usually turn him down because either I don't want to drink a ton by the fire, or I think it's to cold.

Oddly enough before I even asked him to enjoy the fire with me, he asked if I wanted to have a fire. I was excited. I had already decided that I would just wear my winter coat to the fire to stay toasty. (I don't know why I have never thought to do this before. I always just wear a hoodie and then complain that it's cold.) I also wanted to enjoy one drink at the fire. I was thinking about my wine, but then realized it's in the fridge and will be cold. I wanted to make a nice warm drink so I looked through what we had. The only alcohol we had in the house was wine, beer and peppermint schnapps from last Christmas. I decided I would make a hot chocolate and add the peppermint schnapps. It was pretty tasty and I had enough calories to cover it and enjoy guilt free.

spiked hot cocoa in a cozy mug

We sat out by the fire and talked for awhile. I sipped my hot chocolate and stayed bundled up in my sweatshirt and winter coat, while the hubs stayed warm in a hoodie. It was nice and I truly enjoyed that. We also planned some fun for Saturday.

What a blazin fire we had!

Saturday morning we woke up early, well little lady woke us up at her usual 6:45. We all got ready for the day and left the house around 7:50 to get my car back to shape. The hubby checked the tire when he got home from work and said that I ruined the actual rim/wheel of the tire and that can be costly. I was feeling really bad about it, but he was super sweet about it and went down to Discount Tire with me in the morning.  I have a temporary wheel on until they can call for parts on Monday and let me know.

ugly tire, but drives nice

After what felt like forever we were on for the fun portion of the day. We went thrifting!  I love that we both really enjoying thrifting and can enjoy that time together. I found so many fun clothes. I only had 2 sweaters/long sleeve shirts in my closet. I always felt to fat to wear sweaters so my whole wardrobe consisted of jeans, t shirts and cardigans. In the winter I would just wear a cardigan over my summer outfits. I felt like it hid my muffin top much better than a sweater. Lately I have been wanting to wear actual sweaters and long sleeve shirts. We went to 3 thrift stores and I bought 6 shirts, one hoodie and one pair of jeans. I am so excited. Each shirt and the hoodie were about $3 each, so $21 on tops  and the jeans were $7 but they are seven for all mankind. I was excited about the jeans, but they don't fit me yet. They will though! I also love the hoodie. It feels slightly quilted and super warm. I also love that I feel confident enough to start wearing brighter colors. I don't feel the need to blend in.

$28 worth of clothes

Sunday has been much more laid back. Little lady and I decided to head out for a few things, mainly diaper cream. I decided to go to Target instead of the much closer Meijer because (a) little lady was cranky and I thought a long car ride would help and (b) my Target running running shorts size large seemed a bit big and I wanted to buy clearance shorts for next summer. We spent a lot of time looking at all the wonderful Target things. They had some really cute coats! I loved that I could try them up and zip them up! I didn't buy any coats though because I don't really need any fall coats and they were $40. I did end up buying a new cardigan. I have wanted a mustard yellow one forever, but haven't found one/wasn't sure I felt confident enough to wear yellow. I have one now and I will feel confident enough to show it off! I also bought a size medium pair of running shorts. They are a different cut than my size large though so the mediums are tight. I can still wear them though, but they really accentuate the muffin top. I think they will be perfect for next year.

As we were at Target, I realized that we were super close to Kohl's (I don't head to this side of town often). Kohl's is one of the few places that I can buy bras. The bras that I had been wearing were finally getting ridiculous on me. The cup went up so high on my chest that it was very noticeably peaking out in a tank top. It just looked odd and the band was starting to feel loose and spend most of the day riding up on me. We headed in to bra shop. I wasn't sure what size the bra was that I was wearing. I thought it was 38DD (the size I always claim to be) so I looked at 38Ds. I don't know why I didn't think to try a smaller band on. I was in a panic, I hate bra shopping. I tried on a few but they didn't fit right. As I was trying bras on I looked to see what size and brand my current bra was. I knew I bought it at Kohl's and figured I would just get a smaller one of the same bra. My old bra was 40DD. I didn't like seeing that and was glad I had blocked that out of my memory. I couldn't find the brand that I wanted, but ended up finding a brand that actually carried a 36DD. It's hard to find larger cup sizes with smaller bands. I tried it on and it feels perfect! I am wearing a 36DD bra! I feel great and am excited that my band size is 4 inches smaller than last time. Although the old bra was always worn on the tightest fitting and wasn't tight at all. I am wearing my new bra on the loosest fitting, but it feels perfect!