worry free weekend

I am really enjoying not counting calories. It is helping me to focus on what I am eating and why instead of just trying to get the numbers in the correct range. I was secretly hoping that it would really help with the binges I have been having. I really seem to have no self control and when a binge comes on I barely resist it before I am shoving food quickly into my mouth.

This weekend the hubby was gone on a guy's weekend so little lady and I were left to fend for ourselves. I was excited for our girl time, but nervous about my eating habits. For some reason when I am left alone it seems like a great idea to see how much food I can eat. I found myself even thinking about buying some ice cream to enjoy before hubby even left. I was starting to picture a relaxing weekend of putting little lady to bed and just digging into ice cream. I made a promise to myself to not buy any food that I did not need to eat. I stuck to that but did not end up binge free.

Hubby left Friday morning. Little lady and I had a MOMS club meeting that morning and then came home and went for a run (my first one post half marathon!). She took a nap while I worked on things around the house. After her nap we walked to the park and played for a bit before dinner. Then, we decided to have a living room camp out that night. We made popcorn, watched a movie, and slept in our sleeping bags on the living room floor. It was fun and I think my food was in check for the day.

Saturday started out really good. We got moving pretty quickly and spent the morning with hubby's sister in law at the farmer's market and the zoo. It was a busy morning followed by a nice nap time. (I actually got a lot of spring cleaning done!) We ended the day with a bike ride into town and strolled the shops. I got a cute dress and little lady got a lollipop. It was a wonderful day. She went to sleep and I was feeling great. About an hour later, I felt a bit hungry. I had fruit, but didn't want it and decided to let myself eat a tortilla because we were so active all day. Tortillas have become my downfall. I just love the carby goodness of them. After my first plain one, I decided I needed to eat a wrap. So I made myself a tortilla ham wrap and then things just slowly spiraled down from there.

Sunday I woke up and surprisingly felt okay (usually my stomach is rough the next day). I had wanted to go running and made myself stick to it. I ran 4.5 miles pushing little lady and then came home and worked on the yard until nap time. Hubby came home after nap and we got to spend the evening as a family.

It was a fun and busy weekend. I loved spending all that time with little lady! I know I get to spend all day every day with her, but it was still exciting to have a full weekend with just her. I could plan anything I wanted to do and not have to worry if anyone didn't want to do my plans. I think we both had fun (and I am sure hubby had fun on his weekend away)!

I am still sticking to my intuitive eating. Minus Saturday, my intuition was not telling to eat as much as I could! I actually weighed myself today just to see. I wanted to wait until May 15th but I was nervous that to much damage could be done by then. I was down 0.4lbs since Wednesday. I am okay with that. I am actually okay with just maintaining this month. If I lose weight I will continue to eat intuitive and if I maintain hopefully I will feel refreshed and ready to focus on calorie counting again.

I feel like I should mention that I am basically eating the exact same way as before. I usually eat oatmeal, eggs, or a smoothie for breakfast, leftovers for lunch , and one serving of whatever is for dinner. I am not allowing myself to buy processed snacks so my only real snack options are fruit or raw almonds. Basically I am still trying to eat clean but not worry so much about counting every calorie. I am hoping that by just paying attention to what I am eating and why I am eating that I will become better able to handle my eating urges.

changing things up

I think it is quite obvious that I have not been entirely dedicated to losing weight. I can keep super focused for about 2 weeks and then I slack. It has kept me losing weight very slowly. I really don't mind losing weight so slowly because I do feel that I have a better chance of keeping it off, plus maybe I won't have as much loose skin.

However, it is frustrating to think that at the end of last summer I weighed somewhere in the low 170s. Yesterday I weighed 160.7. I have lost about 10 pounds since summer. It frustrates me that I could be at goal weight right now, but at the same time I am trying to be positive that I am 10 pounds smaller than last summer.

I am starting to be very tired of counting calories (even if it's only half assed attempts). I usually do great at counting calories for breakfast and lunch and then it slips away from me. I have noticed that if/once I track dinner calories if I want any snacks or wine I don't even track it and start to assume that I am over my calorie range for the day. Usually wine or snack just put me over the low range of my calorie goal, but in my head once I eat more than the minimum I might as well throw in the towel for the day. I stop counting and start eating. It makes no sense but that is how my mind works. I have decided to try something different.

I will not be counting calories at all for the month of May. This could be disastrous!

I do feel like I have a great idea of what I should be eating and my ultimate goal would be to not count calories every day for the rest of my life. I want to eat like a "normal" person. I will be trying to eat intuitively. At times knowing my calories count and my calorie range can throw me off. I will eat snack even if I am not hungry because there are extra calories left over. I think it would be better (or at least worth trying) to try to really pay attention to my hunger and really try to base my eating off of that. If it doesn't work out at all it won't seem much different than what I have been doing for the past 8 months or so. I am hoping that just the release of not counting calories will help me relax and only eat if I am hungry.

I weighed myself yesterday, May 1 and I was 160.7lbs. I will only weigh myself May 15 and June 1. I would hope to be back under 160 by May 15th. If I am not I may call it quits and start my attempts at calorie counting again. Otherwise I will continue to slowly lose weight without focusing on calorie counting.

I feel like I should also mention that I am not planning on just eating whatever junk I feel like it. I have been sticking to mostly clean foods and that will still be happening. I will be eating my regular meals, just not counting. This is not a free for all.

Here is to a stress free month of eating (healthily)!

Half Marathon Recap

I can officially say that I have completed a half marathon! It was amazing and feels great to have accomplished that. We had beautiful weather; sunny and in the 60s.

I ran the Let's Move Festival of Races in Mt. Clemens. I don't think it's a huge event, but it seemed well organized and I had fun. I really just picked this race because I wanted to run a half marathon at the end of April. This was the only one that I could find for this particular weekend that was  either close to my house or close to my mom's.

My husband took Friday off of work so that we could make it to the race expo. I always hear about some fun sounding race expos. This was not one of them. It was really just a packet pick up. The hubby was definitely disappointed that he wasted a vacation day. We did score a free shirt from last year's race though and they were nice shirts so I was okay with it. :) We also picked up packets for the rest of my family. I don't think I mentioned it before but I managed to get 4 of my family members to do their first 5k! I was so excited for them. My aunt and her 2 sons signed up to walk the 5k and my cousin decided to run her first 5k. My hubby was also signed up to run the 5k.

Anyways, back to moi. I spent Friday morning just feeling excited for the event and that I was getting more of my family into the active lifestyle. I was talking with my cousin off and on all morning because she was super nervous. I was feeling all excitement until we started the drive to the expo. I felt like I wanted to throw up. Anxiety was finally setting in. Once we had the packets, I spent the evening chatting with my cousin about our pre race jitters.

I tried to go to bed early but did not sleep well. I think I woke up about once every hour panicked that we would be late. The race started at 8am and we were planning on leaving at 6:45am. I wanted to get up around 6am to have a cup of coffee and get ready without feeling rushed. Little lady usually sleeps until 7ish so I had to rely on an alarm clock which I rarely do these days. So every hour I shot out of bed to check the clock. Ugh. I don't know why I even doubted my daughter because some how she knows when I have to wake up and will always wake me extra early. At 5:45am I could hear her chatting away...of course. I got up and got her dressed and enjoyed my coffee.

At 6ish I woke up my mom. She was going to the race with us to watch little lady and my cousin's son while we ran. My mom had been out late Friday and I didn't know if she had seen the note that I left her about what time we would leave at. She reluctantly got out of bed and had some coffee. We all slowly got ready and out the door by 6:45am 7ish. We made out way to Mt. Clemens and around the closed streets and found awesome parking. We also easily found everyone else! Off to a great race morning start!

We brought out own cheerleaders!

The 5k runners took off at 8:15 and the walkers at 8:25. I ate my Clif bar and finished my coffee and water while they took off then headed with my mom and the kiddos to the finish line. My start time was 8:55 so I was hoping to catch my husband crossing the finish line. I waited until 8:45 and then headed back to the starting line, hitting the port a potty on the way.

I hadn't really had a plan for my half marathon. Friday night I calculated that if I some how managed to run an 11 minute/mile pace that it would take 2:24 hours and if I ran a 12 minute/mile pace (much  more likely) it would take 2:37. I told my family to head to the finish around the 2:24 mark and that I should be done by 2:45. Usually on my long training runs I preplanned everything. I knew at which point I would slow to a walk and drink some water. I like to break up my long runs into manageable pieces.

I don't know why, but I did not do that for this race. At the start line I found the 2:20 and 2:30 pacers and positioned myself between them. I usually averaged about an 11:45 min/mile pace on long practice runs so I really should have started behind the 2:30 pacer. I decided at the start line that I really wanted to beat 2:30, I should not have done this. I never really care how long my long runs take and this was supposed to be a race that I did just to finish.

I started off really strong. I averaged 11 min miles for the first 3 miles. I think I was trying to slow down, but for some reason I just really wanted to stay ahead of the 2:30 pacer. I should have just ignored it and ran slow and comfortable. Around mile 5 I was starting to get tired and walked for about 10 seconds. Around mile 5.5 I ate 3 Shot blocks while running. At mile 6 my entire left leg hurt. There was some strong pain in my hip, knee and ankle. I occasionally have ankle pain while running, but not usually hip or knee. (My hip occasionally bothers me at the end of longer runs.) I didn't know what to do. I had slowed by pace and was sticking near the 2:30 pacer. I walked and ran and kept myself close.

Miles 4.5-7 were a loop in a park. On the way out near mile 7 we could she the sweep bus turning into the park. The bus was only about 2 miles behind me and this stressed me out for some reason. I was afraid of falling behind and finishing last or even worse, really getting hurt and having to get into that bus. I pushed myself through and by mile 9 I really thought I wasn't going to make it.

At mile 10 I gave up my 2:30 dream and just tried to keep the pacer in my sights and hoped for some miracle that maybe the last mile would be easy and I would pick up the pace. Mile 10 was my only mile that took my over 12 minutes (12:08).

Once I hit mile 11 the pain had lessened or I became more used to it. I picked up the pace slightly but didn't try to out do myself. Mile 12 was the longest mile that I have ever run. When my watch beeped to tell me that I had run 13 miles, I teared up. I had to get that under control because it was making it hard to breath. :) I kept running. My watch said 13.1 and I kept running.

I had never wanted to walk more in my life than at mile 13. My body hurt and I think I was slightly dehydrated. I had the chills and felt nauseous. I did not want to walk over the finish line. I did not train for months and run my ass off for over 2 hours to walk across the finish line. I sucked it up and told myself not to puke, at least not in the pictures. :) As I turned the corner and saw the finish chute, I felt relief. I saw my hubby waving at me, my cousin jumping up and down and my mom holding little lady out to me. I high fived little lady and crossed the finish line. It felt amazing!

I am in the grey shirt. When I saw this picture on the small camera screen I actually didn't believe it was me. The girl looks to skinny to be me. Hubby had to zoom in to show me that it was in fact me.

Water, apple, and medal. I did it!

I also felt really out of it. I grabbed a water and apple and walked back to where my family was. Hubby ran up to hug me and I found out that both him and my cousin did awesome. (She was so excited and ready to sign up for more!) My aunt and sons had left because they had plans, but we saw them later on. We checked my official time and I officially finished in 2:30:23. I was actually feeling bummed about my time for awhile. I had spent so much of the race focused on finishing in less than 2:30. However, I never thought about that during any of my training runs. I just wanted to do a half marathon.

I spent the whole car ride home feeling awful. I still felt physically sick and was so bummed about my time. I also hadn't really had time to process the race because as soon as I was done and checked my time, we were in the car.

As soon as we got home to my mom's I jumped in the shower. That helped a lot. I reminded my self that my watch said that I actually ran 13.24 miles so I technically did finish 13.1 in less than 2:30 but even more importantly...I had just ran my first half marathon! I came out of that shower happy and refreshed!

Good thing because family was coming over in a few hours to celebrate little lady's 2nd birthday! I'll have to leave that for another post. This one seems to be a novel.

Half marathon countdown

I can't believe in less than two days I will be running my first half marathon! I am so excited! This training has kept me busy. I love having a training plan to follow but I am ready to be a bit less intense with it. I am thinking that after the half, I will find a training plan to work on speed.

I wanted to write a post about my last long run. I was really nervous about it because of the week that I let things go due to funeral happenings. I had missed a 10k during the funeral weekend and was scheduled to run 11 miles the weekend of my bestie's birthday. I knew that I would not have time to run 11 miles, shower, drive across the state, and help set up the party. So that morning I ran a 10k and figured I would save the long running for the next weekend.

I woke up Saturday morning ready to run. I had been debating all week in my head about weather I would run 11 or 12 miles (I missed the 11 mile run and 12 miles was on the schedule). I had decided that I would meet in the middle and just run 11.5 miles. I felt okay with that and started my run. Once I got going though, I decided that I would run until mile 6 and just turn back there, that way I would have the choice to keep running for 12 or stop running at 11.5 and walk home. As I was running the second half, I knew in my head that I would run the whole 12 (who wants to lamely walk a half mile home after running 11.5 miles anyway?). I knew that if I didn't run 12 miles I would be disappointed in myself and extra anxious about the half. I had actually purposely picked this training schedule because I wanted have have 12 miles under my shoes going into the half. Most beginner training schedules that I saw had the longest run at 10 miles. I felt like I would feel under prepared and wanted to know going into the race that I am capable of running 12 miles so adding 1.1 miles would be doable. I was so proud of myself for sticking out the 12 miles.

While running those 12 miles I realized that running and weight loss are so similar to me. They are both such mental struggles. Losing weight can be so hard when you focus on how much weight you have to lose. Every once in awhile I realize that although I have already lost about 40 pounds, I still have about 20 pounds to go and possibly more. I start to stress out that I may never get there and feel helpless. However, if I change my thinking into fewer pounds to the next "milestone" it is easier. Right now I have about 5 pounds to lose until I am at my absolute lowest adult weight. Once I am there, it is less than 10 pounds to a healthy BMI. When I think in smaller weight loses, it seems so manageable.

The same can be said of running. I have to play mental games with myself right from the beginning. As I headed out for my 12 mile run I thought about when I would stop for water and Shot blocks. I decided I could stop at mile 4, mile 7, and mile 10 for water and 2 shot blocks. It made the run completely doable. I ran for 4 miles and then walked for a minute with I drank and ate, then I told myself to just run 3 more miles, then 3 more miles. I never once let myself think 'oh no, I have run 4 miles and STILL have 8 to go.' That would have made the run feel torturous to me.

I liked thinking about running and weight loss together like that. They definitely work together for me and perhaps the mental games in one area will help me in another. I will consider it cross training. :)

Will I make it out of this black fog?

I have been missing. It started out as 'missing' just due to lack of interesting events in my life, but turned into 'missing' because things were falling apart. I will give a quick summary of events.

The days around Easter were awesome here. I actually completed my first double digit run. 10 miles in less than two hours! I was so excited and couldn't wait to share that run here. I even remembered to take a picture of my Garmin. I was (and still am) so proud of that run. However, Easter was approaching and things got busy.

Easter was spent at my mom's house with family. It was fun and little lady was adorable. She loves candy and actually stills asks if it's Easter. We came home and I fell off track for a few days. (I had weighed in before Easter at 157.2 but I don't think I had time to post it.) It took me about 3 days to get back on track. I had gained a few pounds, but once I got my diet back on track my weight was back to 157.

I was feeling good and in control and then I got a phone call that changed everything. My uncle had taken his life. It was heartbreaking. I needed to get home to be with my family. The hubby took a few days off work and we headed back across the state. It was devastating to see my family in so much pain. I thought the emotions would keep my eating in check, but I just didn't care what I was eating. It took some of the pain away and I felt like I needed it.

After 4 days we came back home. I thought once I was back into my routine, I would get myself together again. It didn't work quite like that. I couldn't shake the images of my aunt and her children (my uncle's children) sobbing. I was stuck in this dark place just imagining how they can't really just go back to their "normal" life. I let my emotions get out of control and let myself go.

I knew that my eating and lack of physical activity were not helping anyone, but I just felt completely powerless. It seems ridiculous to feel powerless against myself but I truly felt like I could not stop myself.

Thankfully this weekend was one of my bestie's birthday and I had to go back to the other side of the state (so much driving!) to help with her surprise party. I think it was what I needed to get myself out of this dark place that I have moved into. I finally ran again this weekend. I unfortunately missed a week of training so I am not feeling as positive about my half marathon, but I have 2 weeks and will be kicking ass again soon.

Today I woke up and knew that I had to face the "damages." I stepped on the scale and saw 165.4. Ugh, that explains why I feel gross and my pants don't fit as well as they were. I know a few pounds will come off quickly as water weight, but I am still so disappointed with myself. I have forgiven myself though and am ready to move forward.

Weekend recap

This weekend just flew by even though it was a nice relaxing one. Our weekends are already getting booked up through the summer so I enjoyed it.

I had a long run for Saturday. I was really stressed about it because I am still on my cleanse. I knew I would have enough energy because I have still been counting calories just to make sure that I am eating more than 1200 calories. I had been eating more than 1200 calories so I wasn't worried about running while starving.

I was a bit nervous about my lack of caffeine. I know that from the beginning I told myself to just limit caffeine, but as soon as I realized that the caffeine was the hardest for me to quit I really felt like I had to see it out. Thankfully, by Saturday morning I was already over the "stay in bed" phase. I realized though that Shot blocks wouldn't be considered clean foods and improvised. I ate a banana before my run and packed 3 dates and a coconut water for a mid run energy boost. I meant to bring some Shot blocks as an emergency back up, but I forgot.

I had 9 miles on the schedule and headed out. I started out really strong and my first 4 miles went by really fast. Unfortunately by 4.5 miles my side started to hurt a bit. I walked for a bit and stretched out my sides and got back to it. It went away by mile 5 and I felt pretty good again. Around mile 6 I stopped for my snack. I did pause my Garmin and I paced while eating my snack. I struggle during my next mile. I had to stop to walk a few times and would have totally eaten a Shot block if I remembered to pack it. By mile 7 I felt alive again and finished my last 2 miles strong(er). I ended being thankful that I didn't pack the shot blocks because I would have felt like I cheated and it's nice to know that there are healthy things to eat in route.

I took a picture of my favorite part of my run. There is this tunnel that lets you run under a road above. It's not very big, but something about the way my feet sound as they hit the pavement in the tunnel just makes me happy.

running through a tunnel

I am starting to think that putting a 2:30 goal on my first half marathon may be a bit to much. I am thinking I will probably finish closer to a 2:45, but I really don't care to much either way. I just want to finish. (I don't think I mentioned it earlier. I finished my 9 mile run in 1:45, averaging an 11:39pace.)

The rest of the weekend was mostly uneventful. I did try a few new recipes and went to a friend's jewelry party. I would have to say the jewelry party was probably one of the harder things to get through on the cleanse. There were mimosas and all sorts of delicious foods. I actually came close to accidentally eating a chip. I seriously was moving towards it without even thinking about it. I stopped myself and totally enjoyed my water. yum.

I will say that I am feeling amazing today! I am usually not dressed and out of the house until close to 10. Today little lady and I played a few games, both got dressed, ate, and got out of the house by 9:15. It was crazy. We came home and I got so much done around the house, made dinner, and took her on a little after dinner walk. The walk was almost a bust because once we got outside there were flurries and I didn't want to look to crazy taking a toddler for a snow walk. We just walked through the yard for a bit and then headed through the neighborhood behind us once the snow had stopped. She told me so had so much fun. I am thinking that could be a new after dinner activity for us. I loved it!

Friday figures

I was so excited this morning that I actually made the trip back to the scale with my iPod to capture the moment. I am in a new decade!

hell yeah!

159 lbs! I can not believe I am in the 150s. On my only other real weight loss attempt I lost weight steadily until I hit about 160. I stayed right around 160 for a few weeks without seeing much progress. I went in one morning dehydrated after a night of too many drinks and saw either 157 or 155, but never saw the 150s again.

I eventually figured I just couldn't weigh less than 160 and stopped "dieting." I somehow managed to maintain between 160 and 165 for a few months and then I slowly packed every last pound back on and found myself pregnant at 196 pounds.

I have been so excited to show myself that I will weigh less than 160 and now I do! I sort of thought I would be nervous because this was my stall out moment last time but I am not nervous. Things are so differ than they were previously and I am ready to keep at it.

On my previous weight loss attempt I was on Weight Watchers. I really did learn a lot from them, but I was not in the right place at all to actually practice the things they were teaching us. I would try to make my meals as low in points as possible and save as many points as possible for snacks and drinks. I also really didn't want to work out. I had my elliptical machine back then and I did use it occasionally, but I really didn't like to sweat. I rarely moved the resistance past level 3 and maybe worked out for 20 minutes.

This "journey" is completely different. I really do feel like I have changed/am changing the way I eat. I am making healthy meals for my family and they actually taste good (or at least okay). I also actually enjoy working out! I love being able to say that I am training for a half marathon. I love that sometimes when I finish a shorter run, I still have energy and throw in a little strength training. When I actually use my old elliptical, I do a pre-programmed 30 minute program that goes all the way up to level 8 or 9.

I feel so different this time around. I am happy and actually want to stay on my "diet" for life. I know that this journey won't get any easier. I will have to constantly keep myself in check, but I feel strong and able.

Cleansing

I realize on my last post that once I recapped the past 5 days, I didn't really talk about the cleanse. I first mentioned the cleanse last Friday. My friend and I decided to try it together just to have someone to hold us accountable. We have been texting back and forth since Monday over the good and bad of our cleanse.

I really didn't expect much from this cleanse. I felt that I was eating mostly clean foods and that this cleanse would be easy for me. For the most part, my meals have not been a huge issue. I have tried a few new things though. I have been doing fruit smoothies for breakfast and hard boiled eggs with avocado for lunch. It has been helping me with my mindless snacking though, which is what I really needed help with.

I didn't decide to do a cleanse to lose weight. I am sure that I could do a 3 day juice fast and lose weight, but I would obviously gain everything back as soon as I started to eat real food again. I have been struggling with white processed foods. My husband loves taco night and prefers white tortillas. There are a few wheat tortilla brands that he will eat, but occasionally he just needs white processed tortillas. I am usually fine with ignoring his tortillas and sticking to my wheat or corn tortillas. However, for the past month or two I have found myself filling white tortillas (even though there are wheat tortillas in the fridge) with lunch meat and cheese or cream cheese and jam. They are delicious and I don't usually stop at one. I really needed to remove white grains from my diet for awhile just to reset myself. That was the main goal of the cleanse for me.

It is interesting how much I think about snacking when I am not really hungry. Now that my snack options are so limited (fruit, veggie, nut) I don't mindlessly snack so much. It seems that I actually only snack when I am hungry! haha. I did have a new to me fruit that I loved and felt like I was indulging- a cherimoya. It's common name is apple custard. It's not quite custard, but it is delicious. It was a bit pricey but I liked it enough that I went back to the store and bought 2 more today. 

cherimoya- new favorite fruit

Back to the cleanse, I wasn't really thinking of taking the no caffeine too seriously. I figured I would go one day without coffee and then allow myself just one cup of coffee each morning. I was shocked that I never got a headache from caffeine withdrawal, but I definitely lost focus and energy.

Monday I did have half of a cup of coffee to start the day, but have not had any caffeine since then. Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst. Both days all I wanted to do was place little lady in front of the tv and curl up under a blanket. Thankfully, I did not but I was not as energetic as usual. We made it to a Mom's club playgroup and even had some fun at home.

play dough fun while mom pretends to not need a nap

I also had to force myself to do each run this week. They were way slower than usual, but they got done.

Today, Thursday, I actual feel a bit of energy in me. I have not felt the urge to curl up in blankets and never move again. I actually feel more determined to complete this cleanse without anymore caffeine. (I may make an exception this weekend for my 9 mile run.)

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day so I am excited for that. I had gained about 2 pounds from the drinking that was last weekend, but those came back off pretty easily. Here's to a good weigh in day for all!

Weekend recap and more

So I survived the trip to the east side of the state...just barely. I will admit I was happy with my eating while there but my drinking was out of control.

After my run on Saturday I did indeed eat my oatmeal and salad. We drove straight to my cousin's house where she made tacos for the birthday party. I had one taco with meat, tomatoes, onions, and guacamole. I also enjoyed a side of dirty rice. Surprisingly my hand only dipped into the chips a few times. There was of course cake and ice cream. I had a small piece and one scoop of ice cream that I shared with little lady and thankfully she ate most of it for me.

Once most of the party goers left, a few of us enjoyed some wine together. We were waiting for my other cousin to make it over still. (My brother is really close to the cousin we were waiting for and they had planned on hanging out and invited hubby and I to join them all too.) The wine kept flowing and after three large glasses, I should have stopped. I did not. Shortly after my cousin got there I went with my SIL to take my nephew to her dad's house for the night (little lady was with my mom). I knew I was already drunk in the car but I didn't really think much of it. (My SIL had not had anything to drink yet. No one was harmed in the car ride.)

We got back to my cousin's and ended up going on a quick run to the liquor store for beer, wine, and liquor. We hung around my cousin's for a bit more and I probably had another glass of wine and then some how we all ended up heading out to the bar. (I was not driving. The hubby dropped my car at my mom's since he hadn't started drinking yet and we picked a bar about a half mile from my mom's.)

Unfortunately I continued drinking at the bar, but switched to liquor. Around 12:30 it suddenly hit me that I was way to drunk. Whenever I have that revelation, I demand that the hubby take me home immediately. We found our coats and my cousin noticed we were taking off and refused to let us walk so he graciously drove us to my mom's. As soon as we walked in, I fell apart. Let's just say the night did not end pretty.

The next morning I woke up feeling okay, but extremely tired. Little lady woke up around 7 and the hubby needed help finding more wipes so I had to get out of bed. I laid pathetically on the couch the whole morning and maybe fell asleep for a few minutes (It's hard to fall asleep with a toddler roaming around). Since it was St. Patrick's Day my mom was making corned beef and cabbage and really wanted us to stay. I REALLY didn't feel like eating but I also REALLY didn't feel like moving so we sort of got roped into lunch. My mom invited my grandma over at 11 (my gma lives 2 houses down) so my goal was to get dressed by 11.

That did not happen so when I heard my grandma come in, I jumped in the shower quickly. I was hoping a shower would make me feel better but it made me realize how hard it was for me to stand. I felt weak. I got dressed and sat at the table with a piece of bread. I took a few bites and told the hubby that I needed to sleep for a little bit and then I could make the trip home.

The hubby woke me after a half hour and I felt SO much better. I rejoined my family and had a half of a corned beef sandwich and chatted for a bit. Then, we loaded up and got ready to head home. I almost made it out of my mom's house having only eaten that half sandwich, but she had bought us each a candy bar and I had to take it with me. I ate and enjoyed it in the car.

Sunday was supposed to be cross training but I just could not convince myself to do anything once we were home and settled. I decided to try to make it up this week.

Monday was the first day of my 10 day cleanse. I woke up to a fresh pot of coffee made by my wonderful husband. I have finally gotten him to make me coffee and I don't think he realized that I was not planning on coffee. I had to enjoy a half cup, but that was all I had. I managed just fine with resisting everything else on my list.

According to my training schedule I am supposed to run on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday but I needed to run Monday thru Wednesday because of a potential visitor. I could not convince myself to run but I did walk 3 miles on the treadmill. I felt okay with that because my right knee and calf have been feeling off. I thought maybe just walking would be good.

Tuesday I would have had 5 miles to run, but plans changed for this week and I didn't have to rush my runs in the beginning of the week. I was really tired yesterday mainly from lack of caffeine so I decided to count my 3 mile walk as cross training so that I would be caught up and just run 3 miles on Tuesday. I did walking and running on the treadmill because my calf was really tight, but my knee did feel better.

Today, Wednesday, I had to face up my mid week 5 mile run. I felt exhausted all day. I realize how much I rely on coffee. I really want to add a cup of coffee in the morning back, but I actually feel determined to finish the rest of the 10 days without caffeine. I was planning on waiting for the hubby to get home from work so I could run outside since it is the first day of spring. However, I looked out the window and saw this.

How is it still snowing?

I felt crabby from lack of caffeine and could not convince myself that I would run in the snow. I thought I would try 5 miles on the treadmill during nap time, but I was so unfocused. I almost decided to skip the run and blame it on the knee/calf issue, but I couldn't do it.

Once little lady went to sleep I hopped on the treadmill. I walked the first 0.1 mile and ran the last 0.9 mile of each mile. It took me forever (1:08:25) but I did it! I felt good and more awake than I felt all day. I didn't realize how sweaty I was until I went in the bathroom to shower.

sweaty chest! I earned it!

I am hoping to run my 3 miles outside tomorrow. Hopefully the weather will get nice soon so I can just take little lady with me on my week day runs.

Don't let me predict the weather

It turns out that I was definitely wrong and that winter is still here.I woke up today to do my weekend run. I was greeted with about an inch of snow. It wasn't much snow, but enough to make me not want to run outside. Thankfully though the weekend run is the long run, but this is a sort of step back week and it was a scheduled 5k. I didn't sign up for one because I didn't want to spend any money, but figured I would just race my own 5k.

I debated just running on the treadmill this morning, but since it just feels like torture and the hubby was home I had no real excuses. I did decide on not running to fast. I really didn't want to fall and it was a bit slippery since there was a nice coat of ice under the snow. I ran my 5k in 35:07. It wasn't my fastest time, but I have done worse and the important part is that I got out and ran it (and didn't fall!).

snow and ice covered trail

I also snapped my first picture of myself while running. I only took one and I look a bit crazy, but oh well. I am out running in the snow!

proof that I actually am out running on the trail

We are getting ready to head to the east side of the state today. My cousin's daughter is having a birthday party and since my brother now lives a bit closer to home, he will be there. We don't always get the chance to go to all the birthday parties, but with the bonus of seeing my brother we found a way.

The downside though is that my diet is crazy when I am at my mom's. I am secretely really glad that we didn't try to go last night. I got my run in this morning, ate my oatmeal, and am planning on a big salad before we leave. We are driving straight to the birthday party and I know I will eating something there. My plan is to keep it light because I know we will also eat dinner. I can't eat 4 big meals, but 4 smaller meals would be okay. Hopefully it will work out for me. My goal for eating at my mom's house is to only eat if I would be eating at my own house. I need to learn how to change my behavior in her house so it doesn't always feel so stressful to visit.

Hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend!

Friday figures

It's that day of the week again, where I get to "face the facts." I was expecting a loss but not a very big one. I have started weighing myself throughout the week again. I am trying to not be obsessive about it but for me right now, it seems to keep me a bit more focused on the idea that I do want to get to goal weight. I have been down about a pound the last few times that I weighed myself. This morning I stepped on and was genuinely shocked, I saw 161.9. I feel good about that!

I felt particularly good because last night was a struggle. The hubby has been continuing to perfect his perfect pizza recipe (which I just usually make myself something different when he wants pizza) and he wanted to have his dad over to try it out. If people come over for the pizza then I will enjoy the pizza with everyone. I factored in the calories for the pizza and added a side salad and planned a glass of wine. I actually stuck to my plans pretty well and felt quite rewarded this morning.

I am feeling extra motivated to work on weight loss again. I have been casually working on my weight loss forever. I know I thought February was my month, but now March is! :) I realized that I have been in a sort of maintenance mode for awhile, except for the first two weeks of February. I really need to focus on these last 20ish pounds. I know that I can do it and then hopefully I will be able to continue to work in maintenance mode. I have a few things planned for the time coming.

I keep hearing about every one doing cleanses. I have never really thought about doing one, but I am having such a hard time kicking my cravings that I started to think about one. My friend actually mentioned doing a cleanse/detox when we talked after her vacation so we did what comes naturally and decided to cleanse together! We won't be buying any cleanse kit of sorts. I just read up on cleansing and decided to eat clean and take psyllium husk capsules. I really just want to feel good from eating good. We are starting on Monday, March 18 and will follow our program for 10 days.

We will be avoiding dairy, white grains, alcohol, processed foods, and caffeine (although I did decide if I really, really need it, I can have one cup of coffee.).

Our diet will consist of fruit, veggies, lean meats, eggs, beans, whole grains, and nuts.

I don't think this will be to hard for me. I mostly eat "clean," but when I binge I go crazy on processed or white grains. I am hoping that by completely avoiding them for 10 days I can be stronger against them. 

Happy Runniversary!

I have officially been running for a whole year now! I was going to put quotes around "running" because I still feel weird telling people that I run. However, my last long run felt awesome and I will be running a half marathon in just over a month so I am more of a runner than I was a year ago!

I have been thinking about my running journey all day. (I think I am more excited today than I was on my birthday.) I remember a year ago so clearly. My husband and mother threw me a surprise 30th birthday which left me with a few gift cards. At the same time I had been thinking about running and even hinted that I wanted to try to run a 5k in the summer. I was stalking the weather channel waiting for weather that I thought I could take little lady with me for my attempts at running. The week following my birthday showed unusually warm weather for March in Michigan so the day we came back from the East side of the state for my party, little lady and I headed to a local superstore with a gift card and cash in hand.

I went to the clearance shoes and looked for something in my size and were specifically running shoes. I was way to imtimidated to go to a running store for shoes and I didn't want to invest to much. Thankfully the shoes that I purchases ended up working out well for me. I have heard so many horror stories of people buying the wrong shoes and ended up with problems or just not liking running. I actually still have those shoes from a year ago and wear them for all of my outdoor runs. (They will be downgraded to just for running the snow and rain once the weather is nicer and I can break out my new Brooks.)

trusty first pair of running shoes

At the store that day I also bought a pair of black "workout" pants. They were plain and, I think, cotton. They were all I wore through my couch to 5k training. As it got warmer out, I eventually bought capris to run in and they just happened to be moisture wicking. After that point, I could no longer wear cotton on runs. :)

The day after I bought my first supplies for running the weather called for sun and 60s. I decided it was time. I walked a half mile to the trail with my baby in a jogging stroller. I didn't realize there was an app that would time me and I didn't realize that I owned a stopwatch so I carried my iPod and just stared at the timer as I ran. The first week involves 60 second runs. I thought I would die! I was so embarrassed whenever other people were near me, but I kept going. I remember being so proud after my first "run." I also remember the struggle and telling myself that it would be okay if I had to repeat every week. I had started training in March for a 5k in August.

After that first week, I headed out to begin my second week of training with every intention to just repeat week 1. Once I got out there and started my first running portion, I kept going. I was on week 2 and as hard as it was, I realized that I could push through and I was ready for week 2.

I continued on each week without repeating any of the previous weeks. I was so proud of myself after each run. It was such an amazing feeling to know that I was doing something at 30 that I had told myself was not possible for me at 20. I kept at it and "graduated" from couch to 5k. I was not yet running 3 miles because I run slow, but hey- I was running for 30 minutes straight! (With couch to 5k you can run a set distance or a set time. I wasn't sure of my distance so I just ran for time.)

All summer long, I kept running. I didn't have any real schedule but I got out there and ran 1.5-3 miles a few times per week. I had to keep myself ready for my August 5ks! I didn't know what to expect for myself after August, but I knew that I liked being a runner. If felt good to know that I was doing something good for me.

As August approached, I realized that I was hooked on running. I wanted something to push me further. I looked into 10ks in the fall. I found one the last weekend of October and printed off a training schedule. After Labor day, I started training for a 10k. I remember the sense of accomplishment after each long run. I would burst into the house with a huge smile and make my husband guess how far I had run. Having him see me cross the finish line after my first 10k was amazing!

I knew that I wanted to continue on with running and was terrified of not running all winter. (Did I just say "terrified of NOT running?" Who am I?) I looked into spring half marathons to give me a reason to run when I would rather be curled up under a blanket. I found one the last weekend of April 2013. I am currently about half way into training for my first half marathon.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be running a half marathon (and excited/obsessed with it). I would have laughed in your face. I really wasn't sure that I would be able to run an entire 5k. I am so proud of how far I have come and am excited to see where else I will go. Running has changed me in so many ways and not just physically. (Although being 30 pounds lighter is nice!) I feel so much happier than I ever have before and as odd/corny as it sounds-I feel more alive now than ever before! So really today is more my "birth"day than this weekend was and I am so happy to celebrate it!

Another year older (and maybe wiser)

So here I am just a little bit older than before. My birthday was on Sunday. I had a really nice weekend and the best part was, I didn't have to wash any dishes! :) My fun started Friday evening. The hubby had to run out to the store and was going to just wait until little lady was sleeping, but somehow things worked out that he took her with him to the store. That meant that I got to sit at home and enjoy a quiet, empty house. That hasn't happened in forever and I loved it. I had a stack of magazines piling up so I starting catching up.

Saturday morning we slowly got ready to go to Frederik Meijer Gardens to see the butterflies. I love just spending time as a family so I had a great time there. Little lady loved looking for all the butterflies and hubby loved showing her off. I feel like we don't go out as a family as much as I would like. I think once it's nicer out, we will have to get out with her more. We are also horrible at taking pictures while we are out so I asked the hubby to get a few pictures of me and little lady. I occasionally remember to snap some pictures of him and her, but I feel like I have very few photos of me with her. One of the pictures turned out pretty cute and the hubby actually printed out a nice copy of it for me for my birthday.

My little lady loves to make silly faces.

I also had a long run scheduled for Saturday. During little lady's nap time, I prepared for an 8 mile run! I decided that I needed to start fueling during longer runs. My 7 mile run had been rough and I thought maybe mid-run fuel would have helped. I decided to bring 2 Clif shot blocks with me and a can of coconut water. (I didn't have a good way to carry water with me on my run and I wanted something that at least once I drank it, I didn't have to carry it back.) I also ate a kids Clif bar before my run since I hadn't eaten since my oatmeal breakfast.

I hit the trail and felt pretty good. I was focusing on not letting the mentality of "8 miles!!!" get to me. I knew that I had run 7, so why not 8? At just past 2 miles, I felt a horrible cramping on my right side. It was like runner's cramp, but much worse than I have felt. I slowed down and was trying to figure out what to do. The cold can of coconut water pressed into my ribs offered a bit of relief. I contemplated turning around, but I have read other runner's that had felt an odd pain and it would go away just as quickly as it came on. I decided that I would continue until 3 miles and then turn and head back if the pain was still there. I took 2 walking breaks and would stretch out my side as I walked. I kept my pace slow while I ran and by the time mile 3 rolled around, the pain was gone. I was relieved!

My next issue came with trying to figure out a mid-run fuel point. I purposely brought things with me that I would not have to bring back, but I also wasn't sure if I would find a garbage can along the trail. I kept my eyes out while I ran. At mile 3.5 I passed along a nice park/parking lot to access the trail that I was on. There were a few garbage cans at the park's entrance to the trail. Perfect! I didn't feel like fueling yet so I ran to mile 4, turned around and got back to the garbage around 4.5 miles. I stopped (and of course paused the Garmin) for about 2 minutes since I am not coordinated enough to eat, drink, and run. I got back to running and thankfully continued to feel great. Just before mile 6 I felt like running became easier. It's odd because when I checked my Garmin stats later on I noticed my heart rate was around 165 for most of the run and then around mile 6 it dropped to 158. I felt good!

I think fueling helped because my run didn't feel tough until mile 7.25. I felt sore in my hips, but otherwise just fine. I was so proud when my watch beeped for 8 miles! I finished in 1:32:16 That is an average of 11:30 minutes/mile! I was so happy with that. It included my walking breaks during the odd rib pain, but not the fueling stop. I think finishing my half marathon in under 2.5 hours is doable. I felt so proud of my run. I think it was the first run that I felt like a runner.

The only downside of my run was when I went to see how many calories I burned. I have always heard it's about 100 calories/mile. Usually I burn just a bit more than that, but close to 100/mile. I thought I would have burned about 850 calories, but according to my Garmin only 630 calories. I didn't let that get me down for long though! :)

Sunday was my actual birthday and it was wonderful. My hubby made me coffee and my baby knocked on my door yelling "happy birthday mommy!" The hubby had flowers for me along with some nice wine (for later) and some 10 pound weights. I was realizing my weights were getting much to easy for me. (I tried the 10 pounds out on Sunday and it was killer- in a good way). We went out to lunch and had friends over for dinner and cake/ice cream. It was a wonderful weekend.

Although I guess the celebrating didn't end there. I had to go to the dentist today. I decided to bring little lady with me for the first time just to start to get her used to it. She did a good job there! I was a proud momma! Although my dentist discovered signs that I am starting to grind my teeth. I have never been a teeth grinder so I don't know what to think about this. I am supposed to go back to get fitted for a bite guard. After settling things with the office lady, little lady and I walked out to the lobby. I was trying to wrestle put little lady back into her coat and the receptionist said something like, "oh, and one more thing..." and I looked up and they had a cupcake with a candle for me and said they wanted to celebrate me on another year younger. It was so sweet of them! They are so friendly there and go out of there way to make everyone feel special,. hey seriously send out birthday cards and texts as well as Christmas cards.

cupcake from my dentist's office

Friday Figures

I am going to get to the point quickly here. I did not lose weight this week. I also did not post my weigh in from last week with all the chaos of not sleeping and having company in town. Last Friday I weighed in at 164.7 lbs. I had eaten two meals out the day before I weighed in so I was hoping some of it was temporary weight gain. I was not so lucky though, this week I weigh 165.1 lbs. Unfortunately I also ate out last night for dinner.

I want to blame this weeks lack of weight loss as a result of my increase in weight training. I met up with a mom friend and we did some circuit work while our daughters climbed on us played. I didn't feel like I worked out very hard, but I definitely felt it the next day so yesterday I did squats and lunges. I am feeling quite sore today so maybe I would have lost some weight if my muscles weren't potentially holding on to some water.

However, I am willing to bet that Easter candy and taco bell had more of a roll in this week's events. I don't know what I was thinking but I seriously thought it would be a great idea to decorate my house for Easter with Easter candy. Why would I do that to myself?!? For Valentine's I filled a vase with pink and white candy corns and did great so I thought, "hey, I am sure that would be great for Easter too!" I bought jelly beans to fill the vase, mainly because I don't particularly care for jelly beans. I had also seen a cute idea on Pinterest- a mason jar with pastel eggs on the bottom and a chocolate bunny sitting in the eggs. It was cute so I decided to make two of those beauties. It was cute...until my hand kept reaching in there and popping chocolates into my face. Even with the lid on the jars, I could not be stopped. The hubby seemed to be having the same reaction to the jelly beans. He even asked me not to refill the vase. After two days and an almost empty vase and having to combine the chocolates into just one mason jar, I put the candy away. Yeah, maybe eating a whole bag of chocolate eggs will make losing weight tough. Seriously!

Last night little lady spent some time with her aunt. The hubby and I were going to go to dinner and stop at a few thrift stores. We couldn't find a restaurant on the route to the thrift stores, but we did find a newer brewery that the hubby had been wanting to try. We went in for a beer and hopes of dinner. The beer was amazing, but the building was kind of gross and we could see the kitchen and didn't think we wanted to eat there. (They also didn't have much of a menu.) We enjoyed our beer and then headed back out. We stopped at a thrift store close to the brewery and I was feeling tipsy and starving. I just wanted to eat. The hubby suggested something quick, like taco bell. What drunk girl can say no to taco bell? Obviously not this one. To top it off I ordered a chalupa combo menu. Surprisingly when I looked up the info at home, it worked into my calorie total for the day. Still not a good choice though. I realized I really need to keep a few granola bars in the glove box for emergencies.

I can't help but think that if I could have had a quick snack to calm the hunger, I could have made a better dinner selection. Oh well, it was good and I am still in control today.

Time is flying

I finally feel like spring will be here in no time. There is a chance of snow today, but I feel like this is our last potential snow of this winter. We did get some snow last week, but thankfully it didn't affect my brother's travel plans!

My brother and his family were planning on getting over to my house Wednesday late afternoon. I had gotten the house ready and was expecting little lady to wake up from her nap and the door rang. I thought it would be my brother and family (a little earlier than expected, but I thought they wanted to surprise me a bit.) but it was a package. I finally received my Special K blog giveaway that I won.

I thought it would be here sooner because it was supposed to be for an Oscars party. There is a faux red carpet, popcorn chips, nail polish, voting ballots and $100 to throw a party. Since the Oscars have already happened, I can't really use the whole idea but it still went to good use. I shared the popcorn chips with my family and I had made a few snacks and bought drinks for their visit. I told the hubby that I wanted to save the gift card to buy something nice when I reach goal. I am thinking a really nice pair of jeans that I would never spend the money on.

I actually won something! And it was awesome!

close up of the good stuff

So back to my brother's visit...It was so nice to see him, his wife, their son, and their dogs. Our house felt full! When my brother walked in he made a quick comment about me "looking good." It really meant a lot to me because he really doesn't say stuff like that so I felt pretty good.

I stayed mostly on track during their visit. On Wednesday, I tracked everything and did well. Thursday was not as well for me. I have mentioned it before, but I totally lose control when I am tired. Little lady has gone back to her 5:30 am wake ups and I do not function well. (I know, I am such a baby about sleep.) Thankfully, my brother doesn't stay up very late so I still got to bed at a decent hour, but I don't care what time I go to bed 5:30 is not fun to wake up.

I felt out of it all day on Thursday. I made an oatmeal bake for breakfast and was starving by lunch. We took the kids to a little coffee shop/playground and their was a Qdoba next door. I never really go there so I had no clue what to get. I panicked and just ordered the veggie burrito with brown rice, black beans and no cheese or sour cream. It was huge so I just ate half. It filled me up for a bit, but since I had snacks in the house I grazed all afternoon. We went out to dinner and I totally had a California Reuben and fries. I ate pretty much the whole thing. It was delicious though!

Friday was another early morning. Little lady really wanted to be sure she didn't miss out on saying good bye to her new friends so she of course woke up at 5:30 (this was the 6th morning in a row!). My family left by 6:30 am (they had an appointment for their new housing- I swear I did not kick them out.) and I was just exhausted.

Little lady loved the family visiting, but mostly the dog she called "big one."

Once the hubby left for work, I was exhausted and lonely. I was supposed to go to a Mom's Club meeting, but I knew I wouldn't really be social so I decided to skip it. I also didn't want to stay home so little lady and I headed out to Target to use a Christmas gift card.

It was fun, but I still felt off. I had cross training on the schedule for my training and just couldn't handle it. I decided to skip it and try to take a nap. I don't know why I  couldn't imagine napping without eating a huge lunch first, but I definitely over did lunch and then just laid there miserably. Little lady didn't take a super long nap either so I never fell asleep. I felt even worse as the day went on.

We ended up driving to Detroit Friday to visit some friends. I really didn't want to go, but we were missing our friend's birthday party Saturday night so we wanted to at least celebrate a bit with him. Friday night was rough being so exhausted and I secretly really wish we hadn't gone.

We didn't fall asleep until almost 2 am and thankfully little lady slept until just after 7. However another night of not very good sleep was not what I needed. We woke up and eventually got ready for breakfast with friends. All I wanted to do all day was eat and unfortunately hubby didn't seem motivated either. We stopped at a grocery store on the way home for ice cream, chips and sushi. Good planning! Saturday was a waste health wise. I didn't do my long run or make up my cross training.

We went to bed really early on Saturday night, like little lady went to bed at 7:30 and we were in bed at 7:35 early. Yikes. I think I actually fell asleep by 8:30/9. It was nice. Little lady woke up around 5:30 (of course she did!) and I tossed the monitor to the side and mumbled something about not being able to handle it yet but I would get her in a bit. I did not get her. The hubby woke up and took the monitor away from me and eventually saved little lady from her crib. I vaguely remember them coming in to kiss me a few times. It would wake me and I would think, "ok, I should get up. I will just close my eyes for one more minute and then I will get up." That must have happened quite a few times because it was almost 10am by the time I woke up. I felt amazing though! I didn't even mind that I slept half of the day away. It was worth it.

When little lady went down for her nap, I knew what I had to do. I had to get out there and run 7 miles! I was excited and nervous. I definitely regretted all the junk I ate on Saturday, but I did it! The worst part about the run was that my Garmin died at 6.91 miles. I was bummed and felt like I cheated out on my run even though I kept running. I guess I am glad that it didn't die earlier though.

Monday I had to run 3 miles. I have decided to focus a little bit on my speed on my shorter runs. I have been keeping my speed around 11 minute miles, although on Sunday's long run they were closer to 12 minute miles. My goal for my 3 mile run was to keep each mile under 11 minute/mile. I did it! I finished in 32:17! It felt good. I really had to push myself, but I did it. I would love to run a 5k in less than 30 minutes. Maybe this will be the summer for that as well.

Sorry for the long update. I didn't think I had that much going on but I guess I did.

Spring is such a tease!

Yesterday was 40 degrees AND sunny! Little lady and I were out running errands and by the afternoon I wanted to take my winter coat off and soak up the sun. I immediately sent the hubby a message asking if I could run outside when he got home from work as long as he didn't pick up over time. I was so excited when he agreed and didn't think there would be overtime.

He came home and I was all dressed for an outdoor run. It felt great and my time wasn't to bad. I averaged an 11 minute mile for 4 miles. My first 3 miles were faster than an 11 minute mile, but my last mile is uphill and was 11:30 minute mile. I felt great and was proud of my time.

The bright sun had actually melted the snow covering the trail. This is just one day after my previous picture of this trail (snow covered).

It felt so good to finish and feel accomplished. I realized the treadmill is not for me. I really don't feel awesome when I am done on the treadmill. I am just glad that it's over and I think about quitting about every 0.1 mile. Recently I have been thinking that maybe the half marathon would be to much for me and I was worried that I got myself in to deep. The treadmill makes me slower and not as happy. These past two runs outside have made me remember that happy feeling from running. (Not exactly runner's high on both of these runs, just the "I am done running and now feel awesome!") I feel like a half marathon will be totally doable again!

I will still have to use the treadmill a bit, but I am going to try really hard to get my long run and the longer run of the weekdays done outside. Once spring is actually here and temps are above 50, I can push little lady in the jogging stroller again. I am excited for that too. I loved her being a part of my running experience too. I felt like a positive example for her. (Although, I also really like my runs alone.)

Today I am actually taking my rest day from Sunday. I haven't had a rest day in a week. I am proud of that, but actually felt a bit sore today. I am happy to rest. I also noticed that I felt starving today. I ate breakfast an hour earlier because I was just so hungry. I still felt a little hungry after eating breakfast but if I eat to much in the morning, I lose all control. We went out to little lady's "school" and when we got home I scarfed down lunch with her. I had planned on eating lighter today since I wasn't working out, but I haven't eaten any "extra" calories from any of the past few workouts. (I have eaten at the high range of the day though.) I plugged in everything I planned on eating for my meals for the day and was still almost 300 calories under the minimum for the day. I decided to have lunch part 2 while little lady was napping. I made a sandwich (which I have been craving- I used to have one every day for lunch and I don't think I have since last summer.) and it was delicious. I still felt like eating more, but I drank a few glasses of water and got working on the house. I still feel slightly hungry, but I don't want to turn it into a binge. I am thinking I will need something else before dinner so fruit will be my friend today.

Well, I need to go finish cleaning up this house. My brother and his family should be here tomorrow and I can't wait to see them. We are expecting some serious snow though and I am hoping that somehow things will still work out.

Another first (sort of)

I finally did my first half marathon training run outside! It felt so good to be out there! But more about that in a minute.

This morning was a little out of sorts. Due to unexpected circumstances, we were all dressed and in the car by 7 am. Since we were already up and out we decided to go out for Sunday breakfast. I hate panicking whenever the hubby suggests going out to eat so I am trying to really focus on self control while dining out.

My favorite restaurant wasn't open until 8 (probably a good thing since it's much harder to use control on amazing food) so we decided to just go to a little diner type place in our small town. It's not the best breakfast, but I was really just going to enjoy my two favorite people.

We got there and I looked over the menu. They didn't have anything to special, just the usual omelettes, eggs, pancakes... I was thinking of getting an egg white omelette with just veggies but I really wanted a side of potatoes. I thought about getting them as well and just having a few bites. Then, I realized I didn't want the omelette at all. I was just getting it because it seemed like a good choice. I thought that if I wanted potatoes, I should get something with potatoes. I found a skillet with potatoes topped with veggies and cheese. I ordered it without the cheese and only ate half of it. To be fair, it was not delicious (I think all/most of the veggies were canned) but the potatoes hit the spot. I felt good about my choice and was surprised that I felt full. I realized that if I hadn't stop to drink coffee and focus on if I wanted more, I would have totally finished the meal. It was a good reminder for me to stop while eating and focus on how I am actually feeling.

We came home and I tracked everything I ate. It wasn't to bad. I guesstimated about 600 calories. Definitely more than I usually spend on breakfast, but it was nice to have a Sunday morning out to breakfast with just my little family. I planned out the rest of my meals today and can totally make it work into my calories.

I was thinking after last Sunday's disaster of a breakfast out, I needed to make sure to stay on track before I veer off course for another week. I figured a run should happen. My schedule has Sunday as a rest day and Monday-Wednesday 3-5 mile runs. I thought that since my legs felt good I would just do Monday's run today and then run again on Monday(unless my legs say no) and Wednesday. (I want to run on those days because I am meeting up with a friend on Monday, which usually involves food of some sorts and my brother is coming to town on Wednesday, which usually includes some drinking. I want some extra calories on those days.)

I decided that I would get ready to run before I changed my mind. I looked outside and it wasn't snowing at the moment, so I checked the weather. It was low 30s and a 30% chance of snow. I decided that I would head outside for a run. I just planned on doing 3 miles and told the hubby that if it was awful I would just do 1 mile outside and finish up at home on the treadmill.

Oh wow, was I glad I went outside. It felt so good to be out there running. Can I also say how much I love our trail?!? It was packed down from other runners and bikers. It made me feel connected in some way to the other local people that feel it necessary to get out in the snow and run. I even passed another runner out there at one point. It feels good to feel involved in some way in the active community. Plus, the snow can be beautiful and it was really peaceful to be out there.

snow covered trail

snow peaking out as I finish up my run

I am thinking my next long run (7 miles) may just be done outside in the snow! I actually regretted not gearing up and heading out yesterday.

Friday Figures (one day late)

This past week was rough. I hate feeling like I am not in control of my moods. I feel like I should be strong enough to remind myself that I don't want to eat an entire box of crackers, but sometimes the mind wins. I guess it's just a reminder that even though I am feeling in control today, tomorrow is a new day and I need to be prepared. I am still learning ways to handle binge urges. I have a book to read and a crochet project in the works so hopefully that will keep my hands busy and refraining from shoving snacks in my mouth.

Since the previous Friday, I only stayed on tracked 3 days. For 4 days (Sunday - Tuesday and again Thursday) I was completely out of control. I would eat lunch and then find a few other lunch options to snack on. It was disgusting and I felt awful. I hate knowing that what I am doing is hurting me and not being able to stop. I thought I was back in control Wednesday, but at the same time I still felt "off." I managed to track and stay in the correct caloric range, even with going out for dinner and drinks but unfortunately I lost it again on Thursday.

I really thought about not weighing in on Friday morning because when I binge I can easily gain 5-10 pounds. I thought about giving myself a few days and then weighing in, but I think I knew that I needed to face the number to actually see the damage I had done. (Plus, it can snap me out of it when I see how much I have gained.) I stepped on and was completely devastated to see 170.3 lbs. I wasn't going to post it here, but I felt like I needed to be able to look back on it and remember how much damage I can do in such little time.

I stayed on track all day Friday and finally felt out of my funk. I did my cross training and ate properly. Out of curiosity I stepped on the scale this morning(after only one day) and am already back to 165.5 lbs. I am going to use the 165 on my "Weigh in" page since I feel like that number more accurately reflects on the weight that I actually gained. The 170 was probably a lot of water/bloat.

I am actually proud of even posting the gain at all. I have a horrible habit of not really acknowledging my gains. I avoid the scale when I know that I am gaining and then when I do step on, I don't track it anywhere. I usually refuse to post or track (on sparkpeople) a new weight unless it is less than the previous weight. This is foolish on so many levels. It happened and I think it will help me to just own up to it and move on. Plus, next week's loss will feel even better!

Onto happier news: As mentioned all last summer, hubby and I love camping. We would camp every weekend if we could. Little lady has been camping since she was 5 months old. We always brought her a pack-n-play to sleep in, but this year we think she is ready for a sleeping bag (She will be 2 in April). On Friday, she spotted a princess sleeping bag while I casually walked up through a camping supply aisle. She loved it and just had to have it. :) The hubby thought it was a good idea so we brought it home and talked up camping. We decided to have a family camp out in the living room last night. It was awesome! Little lady has never really been a cuddler. She has always slept in her own bed. Occasionally we have thought it would be so cute to sleep next to her and we try to get her to sleep in our bed, but she gets so excited to be near us that no one sleeps until she goes up to her bed. I am happy to say that she fell asleep rather quickly in her sleeping bag between mommy and daddy. I loved waking up and seeing her cute face. I am extra excited for camping now! Our first trip is already planned for Memorial Day weekend! (P.s. It will be another biking trip!)

This morning, after a nice night on the floor, I had a scheduled 6 mile run. After the mood I was in all week, I tried convincing myself that no matter what I would run outside. I woke up to see 4 fresh inches of snow and a steady snow falling. Plus, my fleece was dirty. I reluctantly set up the treadmill and let daddy and little lady have some fun. I did it and it wasn't as bad as every run I did this week. My mind was in such a bad place that even running at all was a huge chore. Usually running for me is always challenging, but in a good way. I almost always feel amazing when I am done, but this week I still felt shitty even after my runs. I was glad that although 6 miles on the treadmill felt torturous, it was also amazing to know that I did it! I feel in control again and I couldn't be happier!

Willpower, where are you?

I feel like I need to just get this off my chest before I let it linger here forever. Since my last post I have basically had an "I've fallen and I can't get up" moment.

On Saturday, I woke up and did my long run of 5 miles. I felt really nauseous and out of it afterwards. I pushed myself and got ready for my mom's visit. I don't know why I struggle so much with my eating when she is around, and this trip was no different. We survived lunch and then headed up to the store to get things for dinner. I was thinking about getting some pumpkin ravioli but the hubby had mentioned his recipe for homemade pizza. Since she was in town for her birthday, I let her choose. She chose pizza.

Thankfully I knew this early enough in the day and I had run so I could count the calories and be fine. I did that and handled it well. I felt good but was nervous for Sunday.

There is this amazing Sunday brunch buffet near our house. It is expensive, but really nice and my mom loves it. We were taking her there for her birthday and I was feeling anxious about it. They have sushi, cheese, side salads, pancakes, French toast, omelette station and an entire section of beautiful (and tasty) desserts. I knew I would count everything but I didn't want to go overboard.

I actually felt good with my decisions. I had a lot of fruit and sushi and then tasted little things here and there. I picked out one dessert and then had a bite of little lady's. I didn't think I did to bad, but when I got home and counted it, it was close to 1000 calories.

That would have been fine, but little lady had woken up early Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I swear I need a ridiculous amount of sleep to function well. As soon as I am even slightly tired my mind convinces me that eating will help or at least it wants food and it doesn't say no. I could feel some type of craziness coming on. I thought about getting a workout in to try to off set some of the calories, but thought it would be better to take a nap. Once little lady was napping, I laid down. I should mention here that I am the worst napper. Everything distracts me and my mind just races. Needless to say, I did not fall asleep. So here is where things get embarrassing.

I came out of the bedroom more tired and cranky than I was. There were all sorts of snacks and treats leftover from the weekend. I forgot my willpower and let go. I ate cake, ice cream, crackers and anything else I could get my hands on. And lots of it.

I went to bed defeated and I wished it stopped there. I woke up super cranky on Monday. Little lady woke up early again and I could feel something was off. I was struggling to get us ready for the day. We were supposed to meet some moms up at the library for a play date. I dragged so much all morning that I decided by the time we got there it wouldn't be worth it. We had a very unproductive morning. While little lady took her nap I did manage to get my scheduled 3 mile run in. Then things slipped. I wanted to finish watching an episode of Teen Mom (secret, embarrassing guilty pleasure) and for some reason I thought I needed a snack to do so. My mom had bought some low calorie popcorn so I measured out 2 cups and sat down. This was the moment that I let Monday go. I decided to just finish the bag of popcorn and from there it didn't get better. I believe I made myself some chicken nuggets for lunch, finished the ice cream, and found all sorts of things to snack on the entire nap time. To top it off, I requested that the hubby make pizza for dinner! What happened?

I woke up on Tuesday still tired, but wanting to put up a fight. I thought if we could just make it out of the house, I would survive. I had an appointment at David's Bridal for my bridesmaid dress for my best friend's wedding so we had plans. Just as I was about to get dressed, the hubby sent me a message that they were stuck at the shop all day because the roads were just ice. They would only be allowed to go to a job if it was an emergency situation. I decided my dress ordering was not an emergency situation and canceled our plans. I survived until lunch. While little lady ate her lunch I ate a kids Clif bar to give me some energy for my scheduled 4 mile run. Little lady fell asleep and I decided that I would just rather eat lunch and run in the evening. I convinced myself that it would be better that way. I ate a nice salad for lunch. Oh how I wish I stopped there. I found some crackers and peanut butter in the house, made some pasta, and finished it off with a PB sandwich. Seriously, I turned my run into a 4 course lunch with snacks. Awesome. In case you can't see where the day ends, it doesn't end in a run.

I spent the evening feeling bad about myself. I was convincing myself that I had eaten enough over the past 3/4 days to undo all of my hard work. I know that is not completely true. I may have undone a week or two worth of hard work, but I am not 200 pounds again. I can also try to learn something from this. I have to be able to make mistakes, pick myself up, and continue to work on my habits. I will continue to face each day as a new start and let it go. Everyone makes mistakes. I made a few days of mistakes, but I can fix it.

After little lady went to bed, I made a short list of why it is worth it to continue trying. I felt a bit better after writing that and I decided that I really struggle when sleep is compromised. I decided that if little lady was going to wake up earlier, then I needed to go to bed earlier. I think hubby thought I lost it, but at 9:30 I tucked myself into bed and at 10 it was lights out.

Today little lady was back to her regular "waking time." I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. I was still nervous that I would not stay on track and I felt that it was super important to get out of the house this morning. I ate a light breakfast, got us dressed and loaded into the car. We backed up and POP, my tire popped. I felt so frustrated!

We came in and got a few things done and I kept myself busy. It felt like a great day to prove to myself that nothing else is making me eat, it is my own actions that decide if I will have a healthy day or an out of control day. While little lady ate her lunch, I had my Clif bar. I told myself that no matter what I would be running during nap time. She went to sleep and I got on the treadmill. I finished yesterday's 4 mile run. It took me a long time. I almost quit at 3, but I knew that if I was going to take control of my health that I needed to show myself that I could do it.

I almost felt like I had let myself down. I will not be able to successfully complete my own February challenge. Then, I reminded myself that I didn't count calories for 3 days. I missed one run from half marathon training, but can switch my runs around and make yesterday a rest day and still complete all the scheduled runs. It just means by the end of the month I will have tracked for every day except 3 days and I will already have challenges for March. :)