Willpower, where are you?

I feel like I need to just get this off my chest before I let it linger here forever. Since my last post I have basically had an "I've fallen and I can't get up" moment.

On Saturday, I woke up and did my long run of 5 miles. I felt really nauseous and out of it afterwards. I pushed myself and got ready for my mom's visit. I don't know why I struggle so much with my eating when she is around, and this trip was no different. We survived lunch and then headed up to the store to get things for dinner. I was thinking about getting some pumpkin ravioli but the hubby had mentioned his recipe for homemade pizza. Since she was in town for her birthday, I let her choose. She chose pizza.

Thankfully I knew this early enough in the day and I had run so I could count the calories and be fine. I did that and handled it well. I felt good but was nervous for Sunday.

There is this amazing Sunday brunch buffet near our house. It is expensive, but really nice and my mom loves it. We were taking her there for her birthday and I was feeling anxious about it. They have sushi, cheese, side salads, pancakes, French toast, omelette station and an entire section of beautiful (and tasty) desserts. I knew I would count everything but I didn't want to go overboard.

I actually felt good with my decisions. I had a lot of fruit and sushi and then tasted little things here and there. I picked out one dessert and then had a bite of little lady's. I didn't think I did to bad, but when I got home and counted it, it was close to 1000 calories.

That would have been fine, but little lady had woken up early Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I swear I need a ridiculous amount of sleep to function well. As soon as I am even slightly tired my mind convinces me that eating will help or at least it wants food and it doesn't say no. I could feel some type of craziness coming on. I thought about getting a workout in to try to off set some of the calories, but thought it would be better to take a nap. Once little lady was napping, I laid down. I should mention here that I am the worst napper. Everything distracts me and my mind just races. Needless to say, I did not fall asleep. So here is where things get embarrassing.

I came out of the bedroom more tired and cranky than I was. There were all sorts of snacks and treats leftover from the weekend. I forgot my willpower and let go. I ate cake, ice cream, crackers and anything else I could get my hands on. And lots of it.

I went to bed defeated and I wished it stopped there. I woke up super cranky on Monday. Little lady woke up early again and I could feel something was off. I was struggling to get us ready for the day. We were supposed to meet some moms up at the library for a play date. I dragged so much all morning that I decided by the time we got there it wouldn't be worth it. We had a very unproductive morning. While little lady took her nap I did manage to get my scheduled 3 mile run in. Then things slipped. I wanted to finish watching an episode of Teen Mom (secret, embarrassing guilty pleasure) and for some reason I thought I needed a snack to do so. My mom had bought some low calorie popcorn so I measured out 2 cups and sat down. This was the moment that I let Monday go. I decided to just finish the bag of popcorn and from there it didn't get better. I believe I made myself some chicken nuggets for lunch, finished the ice cream, and found all sorts of things to snack on the entire nap time. To top it off, I requested that the hubby make pizza for dinner! What happened?

I woke up on Tuesday still tired, but wanting to put up a fight. I thought if we could just make it out of the house, I would survive. I had an appointment at David's Bridal for my bridesmaid dress for my best friend's wedding so we had plans. Just as I was about to get dressed, the hubby sent me a message that they were stuck at the shop all day because the roads were just ice. They would only be allowed to go to a job if it was an emergency situation. I decided my dress ordering was not an emergency situation and canceled our plans. I survived until lunch. While little lady ate her lunch I ate a kids Clif bar to give me some energy for my scheduled 4 mile run. Little lady fell asleep and I decided that I would just rather eat lunch and run in the evening. I convinced myself that it would be better that way. I ate a nice salad for lunch. Oh how I wish I stopped there. I found some crackers and peanut butter in the house, made some pasta, and finished it off with a PB sandwich. Seriously, I turned my run into a 4 course lunch with snacks. Awesome. In case you can't see where the day ends, it doesn't end in a run.

I spent the evening feeling bad about myself. I was convincing myself that I had eaten enough over the past 3/4 days to undo all of my hard work. I know that is not completely true. I may have undone a week or two worth of hard work, but I am not 200 pounds again. I can also try to learn something from this. I have to be able to make mistakes, pick myself up, and continue to work on my habits. I will continue to face each day as a new start and let it go. Everyone makes mistakes. I made a few days of mistakes, but I can fix it.

After little lady went to bed, I made a short list of why it is worth it to continue trying. I felt a bit better after writing that and I decided that I really struggle when sleep is compromised. I decided that if little lady was going to wake up earlier, then I needed to go to bed earlier. I think hubby thought I lost it, but at 9:30 I tucked myself into bed and at 10 it was lights out.

Today little lady was back to her regular "waking time." I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. I was still nervous that I would not stay on track and I felt that it was super important to get out of the house this morning. I ate a light breakfast, got us dressed and loaded into the car. We backed up and POP, my tire popped. I felt so frustrated!

We came in and got a few things done and I kept myself busy. It felt like a great day to prove to myself that nothing else is making me eat, it is my own actions that decide if I will have a healthy day or an out of control day. While little lady ate her lunch, I had my Clif bar. I told myself that no matter what I would be running during nap time. She went to sleep and I got on the treadmill. I finished yesterday's 4 mile run. It took me a long time. I almost quit at 3, but I knew that if I was going to take control of my health that I needed to show myself that I could do it.

I almost felt like I had let myself down. I will not be able to successfully complete my own February challenge. Then, I reminded myself that I didn't count calories for 3 days. I missed one run from half marathon training, but can switch my runs around and make yesterday a rest day and still complete all the scheduled runs. It just means by the end of the month I will have tracked for every day except 3 days and I will already have challenges for March. :)