Monday, April 15, 2013

Will I make it out of this black fog?

I have been missing. It started out as 'missing' just due to lack of interesting events in my life, but turned into 'missing' because things were falling apart. I will give a quick summary of events.

The days around Easter were awesome here. I actually completed my first double digit run. 10 miles in less than two hours! I was so excited and couldn't wait to share that run here. I even remembered to take a picture of my Garmin. I was (and still am) so proud of that run. However, Easter was approaching and things got busy.

Easter was spent at my mom's house with family. It was fun and little lady was adorable. She loves candy and actually stills asks if it's Easter. We came home and I fell off track for a few days. (I had weighed in before Easter at 157.2 but I don't think I had time to post it.) It took me about 3 days to get back on track. I had gained a few pounds, but once I got my diet back on track my weight was back to 157.

I was feeling good and in control and then I got a phone call that changed everything. My uncle had taken his life. It was heartbreaking. I needed to get home to be with my family. The hubby took a few days off work and we headed back across the state. It was devastating to see my family in so much pain. I thought the emotions would keep my eating in check, but I just didn't care what I was eating. It took some of the pain away and I felt like I needed it.

After 4 days we came back home. I thought once I was back into my routine, I would get myself together again. It didn't work quite like that. I couldn't shake the images of my aunt and her children (my uncle's children) sobbing. I was stuck in this dark place just imagining how they can't really just go back to their "normal" life. I let my emotions get out of control and let myself go.

I knew that my eating and lack of physical activity were not helping anyone, but I just felt completely powerless. It seems ridiculous to feel powerless against myself but I truly felt like I could not stop myself.

Thankfully this weekend was one of my bestie's birthday and I had to go back to the other side of the state (so much driving!) to help with her surprise party. I think it was what I needed to get myself out of this dark place that I have moved into. I finally ran again this weekend. I unfortunately missed a week of training so I am not feeling as positive about my half marathon, but I have 2 weeks and will be kicking ass again soon.

Today I woke up and knew that I had to face the "damages." I stepped on the scale and saw 165.4. Ugh, that explains why I feel gross and my pants don't fit as well as they were. I know a few pounds will come off quickly as water weight, but I am still so disappointed with myself. I have forgiven myself though and am ready to move forward.


No comments:

Post a Comment