This past week was rough. I hate feeling like I am not in control of my moods. I feel like I should be strong enough to remind myself that I don't want to eat an entire box of crackers, but sometimes the mind wins. I guess it's just a reminder that even though I am feeling in control today, tomorrow is a new day and I need to be prepared. I am still learning ways to handle binge urges. I have a book to read and a crochet project in the works so hopefully that will keep my hands busy and refraining from shoving snacks in my mouth.
Since the previous Friday, I only stayed on tracked 3 days. For 4 days (Sunday - Tuesday and again Thursday) I was completely out of control. I would eat lunch and then find a few other lunch options to snack on. It was disgusting and I felt awful. I hate knowing that what I am doing is hurting me and not being able to stop. I thought I was back in control Wednesday, but at the same time I still felt "off." I managed to track and stay in the correct caloric range, even with going out for dinner and drinks but unfortunately I lost it again on Thursday.
I really thought about not weighing in on Friday morning because when I binge I can easily gain 5-10 pounds. I thought about giving myself a few days and then weighing in, but I think I knew that I needed to face the number to actually see the damage I had done. (Plus, it can snap me out of it when I see how much I have gained.) I stepped on and was completely devastated to see 170.3 lbs. I wasn't going to post it here, but I felt like I needed to be able to look back on it and remember how much damage I can do in such little time.
I stayed on track all day Friday and finally felt out of my funk. I did my cross training and ate properly. Out of curiosity I stepped on the scale this morning(after only one day) and am already back to 165.5 lbs. I am going to use the 165 on my "Weigh in" page since I feel like that number more accurately reflects on the weight that I actually gained. The 170 was probably a lot of water/bloat.
I am actually proud of even posting the gain at all. I have a horrible habit of not really acknowledging my gains. I avoid the scale when I know that I am gaining and then when I do step on, I don't track it anywhere. I usually refuse to post or track (on sparkpeople) a new weight unless it is less than the previous weight. This is foolish on so many levels. It happened and I think it will help me to just own up to it and move on. Plus, next week's loss will feel even better!
Onto happier news: As mentioned all last summer, hubby and I love camping. We would camp every weekend if we could. Little lady has been camping since she was 5 months old. We always brought her a pack-n-play to sleep in, but this year we think she is ready for a sleeping bag (She will be 2 in April). On Friday, she spotted a princess sleeping bag while I casually walked up through a camping supply aisle. She loved it and just had to have it. :) The hubby thought it was a good idea so we brought it home and talked up camping. We decided to have a family camp out in the living room last night. It was awesome! Little lady has never really been a cuddler. She has always slept in her own bed. Occasionally we have thought it would be so cute to sleep next to her and we try to get her to sleep in our bed, but she gets so excited to be near us that no one sleeps until she goes up to her bed. I am happy to say that she fell asleep rather quickly in her sleeping bag between mommy and daddy. I loved waking up and seeing her cute face. I am extra excited for camping now! Our first trip is already planned for Memorial Day weekend! (P.s. It will be another biking trip!)
This morning, after a nice night on the floor, I had a scheduled 6 mile run. After the mood I was in all week, I tried convincing myself that no matter what I would run outside. I woke up to see 4 fresh inches of snow and a steady snow falling. Plus, my fleece was dirty. I reluctantly set up the treadmill and let daddy and little lady have some fun. I did it and it wasn't as bad as every run I did this week. My mind was in such a bad place that even running at all was a huge chore. Usually running for me is always challenging, but in a good way. I almost always feel amazing when I am done, but this week I still felt shitty even after my runs. I was glad that although 6 miles on the treadmill felt torturous, it was also amazing to know that I did it! I feel in control again and I couldn't be happier!
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