Friday Figures (one day late)

This past week was rough. I hate feeling like I am not in control of my moods. I feel like I should be strong enough to remind myself that I don't want to eat an entire box of crackers, but sometimes the mind wins. I guess it's just a reminder that even though I am feeling in control today, tomorrow is a new day and I need to be prepared. I am still learning ways to handle binge urges. I have a book to read and a crochet project in the works so hopefully that will keep my hands busy and refraining from shoving snacks in my mouth.

Since the previous Friday, I only stayed on tracked 3 days. For 4 days (Sunday - Tuesday and again Thursday) I was completely out of control. I would eat lunch and then find a few other lunch options to snack on. It was disgusting and I felt awful. I hate knowing that what I am doing is hurting me and not being able to stop. I thought I was back in control Wednesday, but at the same time I still felt "off." I managed to track and stay in the correct caloric range, even with going out for dinner and drinks but unfortunately I lost it again on Thursday.

I really thought about not weighing in on Friday morning because when I binge I can easily gain 5-10 pounds. I thought about giving myself a few days and then weighing in, but I think I knew that I needed to face the number to actually see the damage I had done. (Plus, it can snap me out of it when I see how much I have gained.) I stepped on and was completely devastated to see 170.3 lbs. I wasn't going to post it here, but I felt like I needed to be able to look back on it and remember how much damage I can do in such little time.

I stayed on track all day Friday and finally felt out of my funk. I did my cross training and ate properly. Out of curiosity I stepped on the scale this morning(after only one day) and am already back to 165.5 lbs. I am going to use the 165 on my "Weigh in" page since I feel like that number more accurately reflects on the weight that I actually gained. The 170 was probably a lot of water/bloat.

I am actually proud of even posting the gain at all. I have a horrible habit of not really acknowledging my gains. I avoid the scale when I know that I am gaining and then when I do step on, I don't track it anywhere. I usually refuse to post or track (on sparkpeople) a new weight unless it is less than the previous weight. This is foolish on so many levels. It happened and I think it will help me to just own up to it and move on. Plus, next week's loss will feel even better!

Onto happier news: As mentioned all last summer, hubby and I love camping. We would camp every weekend if we could. Little lady has been camping since she was 5 months old. We always brought her a pack-n-play to sleep in, but this year we think she is ready for a sleeping bag (She will be 2 in April). On Friday, she spotted a princess sleeping bag while I casually walked up through a camping supply aisle. She loved it and just had to have it. :) The hubby thought it was a good idea so we brought it home and talked up camping. We decided to have a family camp out in the living room last night. It was awesome! Little lady has never really been a cuddler. She has always slept in her own bed. Occasionally we have thought it would be so cute to sleep next to her and we try to get her to sleep in our bed, but she gets so excited to be near us that no one sleeps until she goes up to her bed. I am happy to say that she fell asleep rather quickly in her sleeping bag between mommy and daddy. I loved waking up and seeing her cute face. I am extra excited for camping now! Our first trip is already planned for Memorial Day weekend! (P.s. It will be another biking trip!)

This morning, after a nice night on the floor, I had a scheduled 6 mile run. After the mood I was in all week, I tried convincing myself that no matter what I would run outside. I woke up to see 4 fresh inches of snow and a steady snow falling. Plus, my fleece was dirty. I reluctantly set up the treadmill and let daddy and little lady have some fun. I did it and it wasn't as bad as every run I did this week. My mind was in such a bad place that even running at all was a huge chore. Usually running for me is always challenging, but in a good way. I almost always feel amazing when I am done, but this week I still felt shitty even after my runs. I was glad that although 6 miles on the treadmill felt torturous, it was also amazing to know that I did it! I feel in control again and I couldn't be happier!

Daily Double

Yikes, two posts in one day! I am actually feeling really positive about my health right now AND had some free time so I thought I would use this time to my advantage. I normally blog during little lady's nap and usually feel rushed because either I have other chores I still have to get done before she wakes up or else I know that at any moment she could wake up. She is currently in bed for the night and hubby has been working on some home renovation so I thought I would share some thoughts.

I have spent the last few days activity trying to get my mindset back into healthy living. One of the things that really helps me is to read other weight loss blogs. I get so excited when I find a new one that seems interesting to me and (nerd alert) I will go to the beginning of the blog and read through each entry. It's like instant gratification! I can watch/read someone's huge weight loss progress within a few days. It can be so motivating and comforting! It is also the main reason that I started this blog, so that maybe one day someone will read this and find some type of inspiration.

This week I have found a few new to me blogs and read through some of them. I wish I could remember which blog I read this in (if you know, please let me know and I will give credit/thank the author) but the woman was talking about how or why this time was different than other weight loss attempts. She felt that her weight loss was different this time around because there was no time limit attached to it. I kept thinking about that all week. That made so much sense to me! I really, truly feel that this is the time I make it to my goal. I think it is different because last time(the only time) I successfully lost a large amount of weight was for my wedding. I remember constantly looking at my weigh-ins and thinking either, "yay, I am on track to be at goal by my wedding" or "well, if I keep this up I won't make it to goal for the wedding." While I was actually losing things were good, but I would go completely off track if I had an off week. It was like my mind figured that if I couldn't be at my goal for the wedding, then why stay on track. I mean who wants to weigh 150 at their wedding when they could weigh 145? Obviously not worth my time...so instead I let myself hang on at 160, lame. Once the day passed, I couldn't stay in the weight loss mindset and went back to old habits.

This time I have no deadline. I don't even focus on when I could be at goal. Occasionally I do dream of when it could happen, but I don't really focus on how long. Which is probably a really good thing since I am taking it so slow this time. I averaged 10 pounds/month on Weight Watchers with my first weight loss. This time around I have only lost about 30 pounds in just short of 8 months. But...I lost 30 pounds!!! If I lose 30 more pounds over the next year, I will be at goal.

So whiney...

I can't stop being so negative, but first let me shout out with excitement...

I just ran on the treadmill for the first time! It was awkward. Is it always awkward? Ours has a dial to increase speed instead of buttons. I had a hard time finding a comfortable pace but I was sweaty when I finished so I consider it a success.It will definitely help out with my short runs and is perfect for now since it is starting to get dark out much earlier.

Now that I got that out of my system, allow me to complain.
I hate how much of a struggle this whole weight loss thing is. I am glad that I finally feel "strong" again, but it feels like there is always something trying to get in my way. I love my husband and am so thankful for everything he does and sometimes he can be my biggest supporter. On the other hand sometimes he is my biggest obstacle. My weight loss this time is focused mostly on physical activity. Throughout the summer I could easily get my run done in the morning with little lady and it didn't affect hubs at all. However, now that the weather is changing and I am increasing my mileage it is getting harder and harder to get my runs in with little lady. I wish he understood just how challenging this is for me and could watch her just once without complaining or my favorite "hurry up." I know I sound awful for complaining about my husband and what he doesn't do for me when there is so much that he does for me.

I can climb out of this hole

So since my Friday night downfall I have not really been standing on my own two feet. I felt a heavy depression on me and I could not shake it, or eat my way out of it. I overate Friday night and managed to pull myself together again on Saturday (Go me!). However, I couldn't stay there. I lost it all again on Sunday and again on Monday. Tuesday I still felt the funk and pulled everything I had and managed to keep my eating in check. However, on Wednesday I couldn't fight the urge and fat Jill was in the house.

It really sucked on Wednesday  night. We had a planned date night to go to the restaurant that one of my best friends serves at. We had a great groupon deal for two drink, one appetizer, two entrees and one dessert included. I have heard such great things about the food at this restaurant and was really excited for this night. Originally I had figured I would order as best as I could but still order something I would enjoy and hopefully stop when I was full. On Wednesday I ate a reasonable breakfast and lunch, but still felt the funk. I was trying to be productive and look at the menu to make choices ahead of time. All that did was make me hungry and food crazy so I ended up snacking all afternoon and getting to the restaurant already stuffed. Although that didn't stop me from eating. We ordered the crab artichoke dip to share. It was good, but being so full I only had a few bites. We had the salad bar option with our entrees so I made a fatty salad - lettuce with cheese, bacon, olives and ranch. I did eat that whole things. I ordered breaded walleye with asparagus as my entree. I ate the asparagus and almost half of the fish. It was delicious but my stomach seriously felt like exploding. I ate more than I wanted to because I didn't want my friend to think that I didn't like it. (Never eat for someone else! I also doubt she would have cared.) For dessert the hubby picked creme brulee cheesecake. It was amazing but my stomach could not take more than 2 bites.I felt disgusted with myself and was so upset that I ruined a meal that I had been planning on enjoying for over 2 weeks.

The saddest part was when I got home and went to put my leftovers in the fridge I was sort of thinking about what else I could eat. So many times we would go out to eat and I always feel like I shouldn't be able to finish the huge portions so I eat part of it and then take the rest home and devour it as soon as we get home. I think my brain was going through that, but thankfully the fullness was enough for me.

Maybe that is what snapped me back to reality. I woke up today feeling refreshed for the first time all week. Not rested, I am tired but I feel in control of my eating again. I don't even know how to explain it. It is such a weird thing. Last week I was thinking about how on top of my eating I have been and how changed I am. Then all of a sudden this week hits. I hope that one day I understand what causes this feelings to change so drastically and that I learn how to control them or myself through them.

I have already decided to skip weigh in this week. I did weigh myself today though because I felt like it was the closure that I needed. Usually I overeat and then don't weigh myself for a few days and then continue to eat until I weigh myself and get back on track. I think part of me loves seeing such a big loss overnight (If I weigh myself the day after a binge and see a high number, I am guaranteed a few pounds lost quickly).

The good thing though is that I honestly feel 100% back to healthy Jill. For the past few days I have not really accomplished much during little lady's naps. I watched a documentary and a lot of trashy tv. I some how forgot about most of my chores and became uber lazy. Today I made a nice lunch, have plans to prep dinner soon and have completed the days chores. I am also hoping to do some strengthening because I have to get in 2 miles and strength today. I already used my rest day this week.

I spoke to soon

Yesterday did not end as planned. I ate. A lot. Although there are still donuts, coffee cake and chips that survived my attack. I threw out the remaining chips this morning, hubby took the donuts to work and I will survive with the coffee cake until hubs eats it or takes it to work tomorrow.

Today is a big challenge then. I have to get control back over my eating. I know I can do it. I get so frustrated though. I start to feel "cured" of my old eating habits and let a few things slide until I am shoveling food as fast as I can into my mouth.

I still want to accomplish 30 days of control over my eating. It will just start today instead. Just to make it clear I still can consider myself in control even if I go over in calories. If I go to a party or out to eat, I don't always count my calories. I still feel in control if I order something reasonable and drink reasonably. I also think it's ok if I occasionally have a small treat at a party. So there you have it, my "rules" for my challenge.

Weekend Recap

When I got home after my amazing run my mom and grandma were already here just waiting for me. I talked with them for a bit and then hoped in the shower and finally got dressed for the day, at 3pm. I decided to make some more homemade bread for them to have with dinner so I got that going while chatting with them. We talked for a bit and then they had to get going to church and I got going on making dinner for them. It was nice to be in control of the cooking so I know what I am eating, but it is so hard with my grandma around. As I mentioned before she always overcooks and we have a bunch of leftovers. I was just planning on making some pasta, roasting some squash and having bread. My grandma also brought corn that she wanted me to make and really wanted me to make stuffed squash (roasted acorn squash filled with stuffing. yum). Who can say no to their grandma?!? So, I obviously ended up cooking way to much food for dinner. I had a bite of everything and counted the calories. It was good and worth it.

This morning my mom and I took little lady back down for the last day of ArtPrize. (The main reason for this visit was that my mom wanted to see ArtPrize.) It was nice because we got down there fairly early and it wasn't to crowded. We walked around for over 2 hours so I am counting that as one of my cross-training days for this week.

We came home and grandma had of course cooked a huge feast for us. Thankfully, it was just chicken stir fry, but she made enough for everyone to have at least 3 servings. It was good, but it looks like we will be eating leftovers all week.

My grandma also has a sweet tooth so she brought some donuts and coffee cake. She must have crazy self control because she is always around this type of stuff and is not huge at all. Right now we have 3 huge peanut buttery donuts and 3/4 of a coffee cake sitting in the kitchen. I told myself I wasn't going to touch any of it, but I had 1/4 of a donut and a piece of  coffee cake. I counted the calories though and am fine. I just hope I can restrain myself. I hope the hubby doesn't mind taking it to work tomorrow. :)

I wanted to post about this yesterday, but didn't want to ruin my runners high from the amazing run. I overindulged again on Friday night. I think I was tired and didn't realize it in time to help myself. I did start out strong though. I had eaten dinner on Friday night and just didn't feel full. I wanted to snack and didn't let myself for awhile. I actually had some tea earlier than usual and that held me over for awhile. After another hour went by, I just still felt hungry. I decided that maybe I was just really hungry. I warmup up some leftovers from taco night and ate one taco. I felt a little better and was ok with that. Then all of a sudden I remembered the delicious chips from taco night. I had 2 servings and put them away. I was mad that I ate them, but happy I stopped with 2. However, the eating didn't stop there. A half hour later I still felt hungry and snacked for awhile. I went to bed shortly after that, pissed off at myself for not just skipping the snacks and going to sleep early. Oh well, this is real life.

On the positive side, I woke up Saturday and went right back on track. I didn't weigh myself because I knew there would obviously be a gain and I just didn't need to see it. (I did weigh in today and there is still a gain.) I used to let binges bring me down for days/weeks/months at a time. It is a huge success for me to let it only ruin a night. I think I am ready for the next step though. I would like to stay binge free for 30 days. They say 21 days to create a new habit so I say 30 days to make it stick. In 30 days it will be November 6th. I will be a new person by then, right? I would also be happy with just a whole week binge free. I seem to have one bad day every week. Not this week though.

mumblings

Weight loss is always an adventure. It definitely has its ups and downs. I love the thrill of standing on the scale and seeing a lower number. I also hate expecting a lower number and it not coming or almost worse losing so slowly it barely seems mentionable. Tomorrow is my first official blog weigh-in. I was totally expecting to see a loss for me tomorrow, but I think yesterdays mindless eating totally put an end to that. I have to remember that first of all the scale isn't everything. Repeat it, the scale isn't everything. I got in all of my workouts so far this week and even went on an extra long bike ride. That is worth celebrating. I also had a full week of counting calories. That has not happened possibly all summer long. We were gone so many weekends and I just don't track when we aren't at home. I still try to make the best choices, but I just don't actually track it. Secondly, I need to remember that since this is the first blog weigh-in, I can't even gain from the previous week. It will just be my new starting ground.

The positive with this is that it reminds me of the feeling before a weight watchers weigh-in. When I was actually attending weight watchers meeting I was so motivated by my weigh-in day that I swear it was the main factor in my losing weight. I would think about it the day before and eat extra carefully, sort of like brushing extra carefully before a dentist appointment. That's normal, right? Today I really upped my water in hopes of flushing out a few pounds.

So why did I start this post? This blog was created to help motivate me to continue losing weight. I had never really been interested in blogging or reading anyone's blogs before, but during this attempt at weight loss and running I have stumbled on some great weight loss/running blogs and have been so motivated by them. I blogged privately for awhile and realized how helpful it is personally to write down and reflect on my weight loss but decided to take it publicly (although no one I know actually knows about this blog. Well, my husband discovered it because I kept sneaking away to the computer each night...) to feel like the chance of someone finding this and being inspired could motivate me. I will admit that I do think of this blog out on my runs and while making food choices. I want to be able to blog about making the right choices and not failing. Maybe this blog will help get the job done. Either way, expect the gloves to come off tomorrow.