worry free weekend

I am really enjoying not counting calories. It is helping me to focus on what I am eating and why instead of just trying to get the numbers in the correct range. I was secretly hoping that it would really help with the binges I have been having. I really seem to have no self control and when a binge comes on I barely resist it before I am shoving food quickly into my mouth.

This weekend the hubby was gone on a guy's weekend so little lady and I were left to fend for ourselves. I was excited for our girl time, but nervous about my eating habits. For some reason when I am left alone it seems like a great idea to see how much food I can eat. I found myself even thinking about buying some ice cream to enjoy before hubby even left. I was starting to picture a relaxing weekend of putting little lady to bed and just digging into ice cream. I made a promise to myself to not buy any food that I did not need to eat. I stuck to that but did not end up binge free.

Hubby left Friday morning. Little lady and I had a MOMS club meeting that morning and then came home and went for a run (my first one post half marathon!). She took a nap while I worked on things around the house. After her nap we walked to the park and played for a bit before dinner. Then, we decided to have a living room camp out that night. We made popcorn, watched a movie, and slept in our sleeping bags on the living room floor. It was fun and I think my food was in check for the day.

Saturday started out really good. We got moving pretty quickly and spent the morning with hubby's sister in law at the farmer's market and the zoo. It was a busy morning followed by a nice nap time. (I actually got a lot of spring cleaning done!) We ended the day with a bike ride into town and strolled the shops. I got a cute dress and little lady got a lollipop. It was a wonderful day. She went to sleep and I was feeling great. About an hour later, I felt a bit hungry. I had fruit, but didn't want it and decided to let myself eat a tortilla because we were so active all day. Tortillas have become my downfall. I just love the carby goodness of them. After my first plain one, I decided I needed to eat a wrap. So I made myself a tortilla ham wrap and then things just slowly spiraled down from there.

Sunday I woke up and surprisingly felt okay (usually my stomach is rough the next day). I had wanted to go running and made myself stick to it. I ran 4.5 miles pushing little lady and then came home and worked on the yard until nap time. Hubby came home after nap and we got to spend the evening as a family.

It was a fun and busy weekend. I loved spending all that time with little lady! I know I get to spend all day every day with her, but it was still exciting to have a full weekend with just her. I could plan anything I wanted to do and not have to worry if anyone didn't want to do my plans. I think we both had fun (and I am sure hubby had fun on his weekend away)!

I am still sticking to my intuitive eating. Minus Saturday, my intuition was not telling to eat as much as I could! I actually weighed myself today just to see. I wanted to wait until May 15th but I was nervous that to much damage could be done by then. I was down 0.4lbs since Wednesday. I am okay with that. I am actually okay with just maintaining this month. If I lose weight I will continue to eat intuitive and if I maintain hopefully I will feel refreshed and ready to focus on calorie counting again.

I feel like I should mention that I am basically eating the exact same way as before. I usually eat oatmeal, eggs, or a smoothie for breakfast, leftovers for lunch , and one serving of whatever is for dinner. I am not allowing myself to buy processed snacks so my only real snack options are fruit or raw almonds. Basically I am still trying to eat clean but not worry so much about counting every calorie. I am hoping that by just paying attention to what I am eating and why I am eating that I will become better able to handle my eating urges.

Friday Figures (one day late)

This past week was rough. I hate feeling like I am not in control of my moods. I feel like I should be strong enough to remind myself that I don't want to eat an entire box of crackers, but sometimes the mind wins. I guess it's just a reminder that even though I am feeling in control today, tomorrow is a new day and I need to be prepared. I am still learning ways to handle binge urges. I have a book to read and a crochet project in the works so hopefully that will keep my hands busy and refraining from shoving snacks in my mouth.

Since the previous Friday, I only stayed on tracked 3 days. For 4 days (Sunday - Tuesday and again Thursday) I was completely out of control. I would eat lunch and then find a few other lunch options to snack on. It was disgusting and I felt awful. I hate knowing that what I am doing is hurting me and not being able to stop. I thought I was back in control Wednesday, but at the same time I still felt "off." I managed to track and stay in the correct caloric range, even with going out for dinner and drinks but unfortunately I lost it again on Thursday.

I really thought about not weighing in on Friday morning because when I binge I can easily gain 5-10 pounds. I thought about giving myself a few days and then weighing in, but I think I knew that I needed to face the number to actually see the damage I had done. (Plus, it can snap me out of it when I see how much I have gained.) I stepped on and was completely devastated to see 170.3 lbs. I wasn't going to post it here, but I felt like I needed to be able to look back on it and remember how much damage I can do in such little time.

I stayed on track all day Friday and finally felt out of my funk. I did my cross training and ate properly. Out of curiosity I stepped on the scale this morning(after only one day) and am already back to 165.5 lbs. I am going to use the 165 on my "Weigh in" page since I feel like that number more accurately reflects on the weight that I actually gained. The 170 was probably a lot of water/bloat.

I am actually proud of even posting the gain at all. I have a horrible habit of not really acknowledging my gains. I avoid the scale when I know that I am gaining and then when I do step on, I don't track it anywhere. I usually refuse to post or track (on sparkpeople) a new weight unless it is less than the previous weight. This is foolish on so many levels. It happened and I think it will help me to just own up to it and move on. Plus, next week's loss will feel even better!

Onto happier news: As mentioned all last summer, hubby and I love camping. We would camp every weekend if we could. Little lady has been camping since she was 5 months old. We always brought her a pack-n-play to sleep in, but this year we think she is ready for a sleeping bag (She will be 2 in April). On Friday, she spotted a princess sleeping bag while I casually walked up through a camping supply aisle. She loved it and just had to have it. :) The hubby thought it was a good idea so we brought it home and talked up camping. We decided to have a family camp out in the living room last night. It was awesome! Little lady has never really been a cuddler. She has always slept in her own bed. Occasionally we have thought it would be so cute to sleep next to her and we try to get her to sleep in our bed, but she gets so excited to be near us that no one sleeps until she goes up to her bed. I am happy to say that she fell asleep rather quickly in her sleeping bag between mommy and daddy. I loved waking up and seeing her cute face. I am extra excited for camping now! Our first trip is already planned for Memorial Day weekend! (P.s. It will be another biking trip!)

This morning, after a nice night on the floor, I had a scheduled 6 mile run. After the mood I was in all week, I tried convincing myself that no matter what I would run outside. I woke up to see 4 fresh inches of snow and a steady snow falling. Plus, my fleece was dirty. I reluctantly set up the treadmill and let daddy and little lady have some fun. I did it and it wasn't as bad as every run I did this week. My mind was in such a bad place that even running at all was a huge chore. Usually running for me is always challenging, but in a good way. I almost always feel amazing when I am done, but this week I still felt shitty even after my runs. I was glad that although 6 miles on the treadmill felt torturous, it was also amazing to know that I did it! I feel in control again and I couldn't be happier!

Willpower, where are you?

I feel like I need to just get this off my chest before I let it linger here forever. Since my last post I have basically had an "I've fallen and I can't get up" moment.

On Saturday, I woke up and did my long run of 5 miles. I felt really nauseous and out of it afterwards. I pushed myself and got ready for my mom's visit. I don't know why I struggle so much with my eating when she is around, and this trip was no different. We survived lunch and then headed up to the store to get things for dinner. I was thinking about getting some pumpkin ravioli but the hubby had mentioned his recipe for homemade pizza. Since she was in town for her birthday, I let her choose. She chose pizza.

Thankfully I knew this early enough in the day and I had run so I could count the calories and be fine. I did that and handled it well. I felt good but was nervous for Sunday.

There is this amazing Sunday brunch buffet near our house. It is expensive, but really nice and my mom loves it. We were taking her there for her birthday and I was feeling anxious about it. They have sushi, cheese, side salads, pancakes, French toast, omelette station and an entire section of beautiful (and tasty) desserts. I knew I would count everything but I didn't want to go overboard.

I actually felt good with my decisions. I had a lot of fruit and sushi and then tasted little things here and there. I picked out one dessert and then had a bite of little lady's. I didn't think I did to bad, but when I got home and counted it, it was close to 1000 calories.

That would have been fine, but little lady had woken up early Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I swear I need a ridiculous amount of sleep to function well. As soon as I am even slightly tired my mind convinces me that eating will help or at least it wants food and it doesn't say no. I could feel some type of craziness coming on. I thought about getting a workout in to try to off set some of the calories, but thought it would be better to take a nap. Once little lady was napping, I laid down. I should mention here that I am the worst napper. Everything distracts me and my mind just races. Needless to say, I did not fall asleep. So here is where things get embarrassing.

I came out of the bedroom more tired and cranky than I was. There were all sorts of snacks and treats leftover from the weekend. I forgot my willpower and let go. I ate cake, ice cream, crackers and anything else I could get my hands on. And lots of it.

I went to bed defeated and I wished it stopped there. I woke up super cranky on Monday. Little lady woke up early again and I could feel something was off. I was struggling to get us ready for the day. We were supposed to meet some moms up at the library for a play date. I dragged so much all morning that I decided by the time we got there it wouldn't be worth it. We had a very unproductive morning. While little lady took her nap I did manage to get my scheduled 3 mile run in. Then things slipped. I wanted to finish watching an episode of Teen Mom (secret, embarrassing guilty pleasure) and for some reason I thought I needed a snack to do so. My mom had bought some low calorie popcorn so I measured out 2 cups and sat down. This was the moment that I let Monday go. I decided to just finish the bag of popcorn and from there it didn't get better. I believe I made myself some chicken nuggets for lunch, finished the ice cream, and found all sorts of things to snack on the entire nap time. To top it off, I requested that the hubby make pizza for dinner! What happened?

I woke up on Tuesday still tired, but wanting to put up a fight. I thought if we could just make it out of the house, I would survive. I had an appointment at David's Bridal for my bridesmaid dress for my best friend's wedding so we had plans. Just as I was about to get dressed, the hubby sent me a message that they were stuck at the shop all day because the roads were just ice. They would only be allowed to go to a job if it was an emergency situation. I decided my dress ordering was not an emergency situation and canceled our plans. I survived until lunch. While little lady ate her lunch I ate a kids Clif bar to give me some energy for my scheduled 4 mile run. Little lady fell asleep and I decided that I would just rather eat lunch and run in the evening. I convinced myself that it would be better that way. I ate a nice salad for lunch. Oh how I wish I stopped there. I found some crackers and peanut butter in the house, made some pasta, and finished it off with a PB sandwich. Seriously, I turned my run into a 4 course lunch with snacks. Awesome. In case you can't see where the day ends, it doesn't end in a run.

I spent the evening feeling bad about myself. I was convincing myself that I had eaten enough over the past 3/4 days to undo all of my hard work. I know that is not completely true. I may have undone a week or two worth of hard work, but I am not 200 pounds again. I can also try to learn something from this. I have to be able to make mistakes, pick myself up, and continue to work on my habits. I will continue to face each day as a new start and let it go. Everyone makes mistakes. I made a few days of mistakes, but I can fix it.

After little lady went to bed, I made a short list of why it is worth it to continue trying. I felt a bit better after writing that and I decided that I really struggle when sleep is compromised. I decided that if little lady was going to wake up earlier, then I needed to go to bed earlier. I think hubby thought I lost it, but at 9:30 I tucked myself into bed and at 10 it was lights out.

Today little lady was back to her regular "waking time." I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. I was still nervous that I would not stay on track and I felt that it was super important to get out of the house this morning. I ate a light breakfast, got us dressed and loaded into the car. We backed up and POP, my tire popped. I felt so frustrated!

We came in and got a few things done and I kept myself busy. It felt like a great day to prove to myself that nothing else is making me eat, it is my own actions that decide if I will have a healthy day or an out of control day. While little lady ate her lunch, I had my Clif bar. I told myself that no matter what I would be running during nap time. She went to sleep and I got on the treadmill. I finished yesterday's 4 mile run. It took me a long time. I almost quit at 3, but I knew that if I was going to take control of my health that I needed to show myself that I could do it.

I almost felt like I had let myself down. I will not be able to successfully complete my own February challenge. Then, I reminded myself that I didn't count calories for 3 days. I missed one run from half marathon training, but can switch my runs around and make yesterday a rest day and still complete all the scheduled runs. It just means by the end of the month I will have tracked for every day except 3 days and I will already have challenges for March. :)

Friday Figures

This may be a long one, but it is totally overflowing with happiness so I think it's okay.

Yesterday, Thursday, was one of the best days all around that I have had in awhile. Each morning I start my day off with a cup of coffee and check Facebook, email, and read a few blogs. I just use my iPod while drinking coffee and chatting with little lady. One of the blogs that I always check is Katie's at Runsforcookies so I started there. She was mentioning some new tea that she was trying out and it sounded amazing and I got slightly sidetracked looking at the tea. I almost didn't finish reading her whole post. Eventually I found my way back to her blog and remembered that she was posting the winner of a giveaway in that post. I got to the end of her post where the winner was posted and my heart skipped a beat. I was almost positive that my comment was showing up as the winner. It was a little hard to make out my profile picture on the small screen of my iPod, but it was my name with it. I almost knocked little lady down as I made a mad dash to my bedroom to use the actual computer to confirm my identity as a winner. I was ecstatic when I realized it was most definitely me and immediately called my husband to let him know. It made my day!

Although I did have an internal struggle that afternoon. We spent the morning having a play date with some friends. Little lady ate lunch at her friend's house and I just planned on eating some leftovers when we got home. By the time we got home it was time for her nap. Once she was situated in her bed, I was famished and couldn't wait for lunch. I warmed up a serving of leftover turkey pot pie. It wasn't a very big piece so I inhaled it in about one bite and still felt starving. I really wanted to binge on something, but I managed to convince myself that I would feel less hungry once my body realized that I did eat something.

I had planned on making the hubby some fudge for Valentine's day and I needed to get started with that anyways. As I was making it I was still having strong binge feelings. I ended up throwing a handful of chocolate chips into my mouth without even thinking about. As soon as I ate them, my mind immediately wanted to eat more since I had already messed up. I didn't know how many I had so my mind was telling me to just eat more and be done with the "track everything" challenge. I decided that I couldn't have had more than a tablespoon of chocolate chips in my hand and at 70 calories that hardly ruins my day. Although some how by the time I wrote it down 5 pepperonis found their way into my mouth too. (Seriously, I don't even know what happened. There was a serious bad mood moving in and it found them stashed in a drawer in the fridge.) I tracked the calories and moved on.

The mood was still moving in and little lady was attempting to skip her nap. (I could hear her chatting away on her monitor.) I was feeling overwhelmed with the need to get a few things done during her nap and if she didn't take a nap, I would not be able to get certain chores done. It was stressing me out and making me want to binge even more. I went upstairs to check on little lady. I cleaned her diaper, sang her a song and headed back downstairs. I knew that the only thing that would save me was a workout. Little lady falls asleep on her own and I decided that if she was still up in 15 minutes, I would bring her down without a nap for the day but I figured that if she was going to be in her bed for 15 more minutes either way, I might as well workout. So downstairs I went. I hopped on the elliptical and tried a pre-programmed routine that I don't think I had ever done before. I checked the monitor after about 10 minutes and there was silence! She finally fell asleep. I felt relieved and finished a 30 minute program on the elliptical and saved my mood for the day! I also got all of the things that I needed to do done.

The hubby came home and brought flowers for me and one for little lady. It was so sweet. I rarely get flowers so it was definitely appreciated. So I had a great Valentine's day all around.

flowers for me and my baby

This morning was my weigh in day. I had not peaked at the scale all week. I had the same nervous excitement as last week. I had to remind myself that I probably wouldn't see a huge loss, but that anything less than 164 (my weight from last week) would be amazing. (Although either way, I wanted myself to feel proud for another good week of working out and eating well.) I stepped on and saw 161.7! Talk about a great feeling. I am sure it will slow down soon but I am feeling so good! I lost 2.3 pounds last week.

Today little lady got her face painted and is just to cute not to share.

showing off her "makeup"

I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day!

oops I did it again

I seem to be binging more frequently than I have all year long. I was really proud of myself this weekend because I kept everything in line. I enjoyed wine with the hubby and took in the appropriate amount of calories for me, wine included. On Sunday we had planned on having our friends over for possibly the last bonfire of the year. We really just had a lot of wood from the renovation project and wanted to get rid of it. Thankfully, we have some amazing friends that will sit in our yard with us freezing and drink and enjoy each others company. I had saved some calories to enjoy a bit more wine with them, and it almost worked out. After they left though, the kitchen called to me and I just could not leave. I ate probably more in those ten minutes than I did all day. The hubby had to step in and save me. I thought he had fallen asleep so I snuck into the kitchen to get one last treat and he noticed. I totally finished that last treat, but if he hadn't said anything I am betting I would have found more food.

Since we stayed up way to late on Sunday and no one has told little lady that the time has changed. I didn't get much sleep Sunday night. I was super exhausted on Monday morning, but had high hopes for me. I survived the morning, but I couldn't conquer the afternoon. Little lady had fallen asleep for a few minutes in the car so she then refused her afternoon nap. I had planned on painting the trim for the renovation while she slept but couldn't start until she went to sleep. She didn't sleep, I didn't paint, I couldn't nap...I could eat though. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I did eat a large lunch and then sort of grazed all day long. I woke up today feeling gross. It is a new day though and so far so good.

I have figured out a running plan for the next month. I will be running a 5k with my friend on December 16 so I have a few weeks to maintain my running. I looked at a few training plans but decided to come up with something that sounded fun and would work for me.

Monday: 1 mile as fast as possible
Tuesday: cross training
Wednesday: 3 mile run
Thursday: 2 mile speed work
Friday: rest
Saturday: long run
Sunday: stretch

I want to work on my speed a bit but also continue to be able to run long distance (over 4 miles). I tried to do 1 mile fast yesterday, but was not successful. I ended up doing one minute fast, then one minute of walking until I hit one mile. It was much harder than I was expecting. I think this will work for me over the next month since it seems easy, but will actually be challenging to me. I wanted to quit during the entire run yesterday which is good because then I felt awesome when I was done.

Halloween fun

I am seriously stuck in some rut. I get so frustrated with myself and my own lack of self control. I did great all day yesterday. Then, the hubby and I had an opportunity to stop by a new local brewery. I figured I could enjoy one beer. I am still trying to focus on keeping my calories in check, but not let it get in the way of enjoying life. I ordered one beer and that was the plan. The hubby got a beer and a side of homemade chips. I wish I could say I was strong enough to refuse the chips, but I did mention they were homemade, right? I wish I could say I only had a taste of the chips, but who can eat just one chip? Gross, I totally shared the chips with the hubby. I guess that is better than wolfing down the whole plate of them.

I also wish I could say I stopped at the chips. We got home and I was feeling the buzz from my one beer. Then I felt the regret of eating chips. Somehow the only way for me to cope with eating more than I had planned was to continue to eat until I went to sleep. I am not planning a great weigh in for Friday this week, but I will weigh in. I need to be able to own up to the damages that I cause.

I am happy to say that today was a much better day health wise than yesterday. I ate reasonably AND went for a 2 mile run with a friend. My last run before my 10k! I also went for a 2 hour long walk with another friend. It was in the 70s here today, which is unheard of for Michigan in November so I really wanted to get the most out of it. I also stayed on track with my eating.

I have been a bit busy these past few days. I was planning on having little lady wear her Halloween costume from last year. It was a little big on her then and she is still a tiny little girl. I tried it on her about a month ago and it fit her for the most part. Since then though I have noticed some of her pants are awkwardly short on her. This weekend I was realizing that last year's costume may not work for her anymore and I was thinking about picking up a clearance costume for her.

On Sunday night I was looking at Pinterest before bed and saw the cutest peacock tutu ever. I thought it looked easy enough to make, but wasn't sure I would like it enough for her costume. I figured it would at least be cute for dress up if it didn't work as her costume. Monday morning we made a quick trip to the craft store and bought out supplies. I think I spent about $15 so not a bad price for a costume. I made her the tutu and it came out super cute! I also grabbed a pair of orange Halloween socks and made them into leg warmers to give her some nice bird legs. I bought a barrette and some peacock feathers as well for her to wear in her hair. She has a ruffly romper outfit that she wore for her one year photos and is perfect underneath. I just need to get her a long sleeve shirt to match under everything.

peacock tutu, hair clip and orange bird leg warmers

Weekend Recap

I know, I am slightly behind here. I had a great weekend, but lost steam some time on Sunday. I was really proud of myself on Friday night. I was feeling a binge coming on and did overeat, but actually counted everything I ate and was over by 200 calories. I felt ok about it and didn't count it as a binge because I did feel in control the whole time. I really felt genuinely hungry.

Saturday was busy crazy day of Farmers market, long run and a baby shower. I kept my calories in line even counting the food at the shower and not using my run calories. I was feeling really good!

Then Sunday hit. I don't know what went wrong, but I should have just stayed in bed. We had planned on meeting up with the husband's mom and step dad for some fall fun. We went to a pumpkin patch and an apple orchard. It was really fun but none of the kid activities were open before noon. That left one delicious option to keep us entertained. Doughnuts. We sat around and enjoyed coffee and doughnuts. I did good while there. I had half of a pumpkin cream cheese and half of a caramel apple doughnut. I figured one doughnut wouldn't hurt me. I was thinking about this long term and I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding cider mill doughnuts, that's no way to live! I don't want to pick up doughnuts each trip to the grocery store either so I feel happy with an occasional cider mill doughnut. 

Little lady picking out the perfect pumpkin.

Little lady thought it was fun to "swim" in the rocks at the apple orchard.

Unfortunately/fortunately my husband doesn't seem to have a problem with self control. He bought a dozen doughnuts for us all to share. We maybe ate 6 doughnuts there and brought the rest home. I am guessing you can see where this story is going? We got home and I am still feeling this funk that I am fighting to get out of. I decided I would eat one more doughnut while I cooked a squash for lunch. One lead to two which lead to all sorts of other food mistakes. It also ended with me requesting pizza for dinner. We cooked frozen pizza and I ate three slices because I was seriously so stuffed from the day long binge I had been on. I was so uncomfortable that I nearly cried. I just wanted to puke and sleep it off. We watch some tv and the hubby put his arm around me. I wanted to cry because the weight of his arm was crushing my now bloated stomach and it was physically painful. 

I woke up on Monday morning with that great womanly surprise that explains why you just want to eat and cry. Ugh, gross. I did weigh myself which I knew would be crazy, but I tend to not weigh myself the day after a binge then struggle to get my eating back on track until I finally weigh in and accept it. I actually saw 175 again. I felt defeated but I knew a lot of it was water weight. By the time I got dressed my weight was 172. This morning I was back in the 160s so I am ok. I have to remember that this is not a race. It took my all summer to get out of the 170s so I am fine if it takes me all fall to get out of the 160s. Well, as long as I head to the 150s. I will do it eventually.

I can climb out of this hole

So since my Friday night downfall I have not really been standing on my own two feet. I felt a heavy depression on me and I could not shake it, or eat my way out of it. I overate Friday night and managed to pull myself together again on Saturday (Go me!). However, I couldn't stay there. I lost it all again on Sunday and again on Monday. Tuesday I still felt the funk and pulled everything I had and managed to keep my eating in check. However, on Wednesday I couldn't fight the urge and fat Jill was in the house.

It really sucked on Wednesday  night. We had a planned date night to go to the restaurant that one of my best friends serves at. We had a great groupon deal for two drink, one appetizer, two entrees and one dessert included. I have heard such great things about the food at this restaurant and was really excited for this night. Originally I had figured I would order as best as I could but still order something I would enjoy and hopefully stop when I was full. On Wednesday I ate a reasonable breakfast and lunch, but still felt the funk. I was trying to be productive and look at the menu to make choices ahead of time. All that did was make me hungry and food crazy so I ended up snacking all afternoon and getting to the restaurant already stuffed. Although that didn't stop me from eating. We ordered the crab artichoke dip to share. It was good, but being so full I only had a few bites. We had the salad bar option with our entrees so I made a fatty salad - lettuce with cheese, bacon, olives and ranch. I did eat that whole things. I ordered breaded walleye with asparagus as my entree. I ate the asparagus and almost half of the fish. It was delicious but my stomach seriously felt like exploding. I ate more than I wanted to because I didn't want my friend to think that I didn't like it. (Never eat for someone else! I also doubt she would have cared.) For dessert the hubby picked creme brulee cheesecake. It was amazing but my stomach could not take more than 2 bites.I felt disgusted with myself and was so upset that I ruined a meal that I had been planning on enjoying for over 2 weeks.

The saddest part was when I got home and went to put my leftovers in the fridge I was sort of thinking about what else I could eat. So many times we would go out to eat and I always feel like I shouldn't be able to finish the huge portions so I eat part of it and then take the rest home and devour it as soon as we get home. I think my brain was going through that, but thankfully the fullness was enough for me.

Maybe that is what snapped me back to reality. I woke up today feeling refreshed for the first time all week. Not rested, I am tired but I feel in control of my eating again. I don't even know how to explain it. It is such a weird thing. Last week I was thinking about how on top of my eating I have been and how changed I am. Then all of a sudden this week hits. I hope that one day I understand what causes this feelings to change so drastically and that I learn how to control them or myself through them.

I have already decided to skip weigh in this week. I did weigh myself today though because I felt like it was the closure that I needed. Usually I overeat and then don't weigh myself for a few days and then continue to eat until I weigh myself and get back on track. I think part of me loves seeing such a big loss overnight (If I weigh myself the day after a binge and see a high number, I am guaranteed a few pounds lost quickly).

The good thing though is that I honestly feel 100% back to healthy Jill. For the past few days I have not really accomplished much during little lady's naps. I watched a documentary and a lot of trashy tv. I some how forgot about most of my chores and became uber lazy. Today I made a nice lunch, have plans to prep dinner soon and have completed the days chores. I am also hoping to do some strengthening because I have to get in 2 miles and strength today. I already used my rest day this week.

I spoke to soon

Yesterday did not end as planned. I ate. A lot. Although there are still donuts, coffee cake and chips that survived my attack. I threw out the remaining chips this morning, hubby took the donuts to work and I will survive with the coffee cake until hubs eats it or takes it to work tomorrow.

Today is a big challenge then. I have to get control back over my eating. I know I can do it. I get so frustrated though. I start to feel "cured" of my old eating habits and let a few things slide until I am shoveling food as fast as I can into my mouth.

I still want to accomplish 30 days of control over my eating. It will just start today instead. Just to make it clear I still can consider myself in control even if I go over in calories. If I go to a party or out to eat, I don't always count my calories. I still feel in control if I order something reasonable and drink reasonably. I also think it's ok if I occasionally have a small treat at a party. So there you have it, my "rules" for my challenge.

Weekend Recap

When I got home after my amazing run my mom and grandma were already here just waiting for me. I talked with them for a bit and then hoped in the shower and finally got dressed for the day, at 3pm. I decided to make some more homemade bread for them to have with dinner so I got that going while chatting with them. We talked for a bit and then they had to get going to church and I got going on making dinner for them. It was nice to be in control of the cooking so I know what I am eating, but it is so hard with my grandma around. As I mentioned before she always overcooks and we have a bunch of leftovers. I was just planning on making some pasta, roasting some squash and having bread. My grandma also brought corn that she wanted me to make and really wanted me to make stuffed squash (roasted acorn squash filled with stuffing. yum). Who can say no to their grandma?!? So, I obviously ended up cooking way to much food for dinner. I had a bite of everything and counted the calories. It was good and worth it.

This morning my mom and I took little lady back down for the last day of ArtPrize. (The main reason for this visit was that my mom wanted to see ArtPrize.) It was nice because we got down there fairly early and it wasn't to crowded. We walked around for over 2 hours so I am counting that as one of my cross-training days for this week.

We came home and grandma had of course cooked a huge feast for us. Thankfully, it was just chicken stir fry, but she made enough for everyone to have at least 3 servings. It was good, but it looks like we will be eating leftovers all week.

My grandma also has a sweet tooth so she brought some donuts and coffee cake. She must have crazy self control because she is always around this type of stuff and is not huge at all. Right now we have 3 huge peanut buttery donuts and 3/4 of a coffee cake sitting in the kitchen. I told myself I wasn't going to touch any of it, but I had 1/4 of a donut and a piece of  coffee cake. I counted the calories though and am fine. I just hope I can restrain myself. I hope the hubby doesn't mind taking it to work tomorrow. :)

I wanted to post about this yesterday, but didn't want to ruin my runners high from the amazing run. I overindulged again on Friday night. I think I was tired and didn't realize it in time to help myself. I did start out strong though. I had eaten dinner on Friday night and just didn't feel full. I wanted to snack and didn't let myself for awhile. I actually had some tea earlier than usual and that held me over for awhile. After another hour went by, I just still felt hungry. I decided that maybe I was just really hungry. I warmup up some leftovers from taco night and ate one taco. I felt a little better and was ok with that. Then all of a sudden I remembered the delicious chips from taco night. I had 2 servings and put them away. I was mad that I ate them, but happy I stopped with 2. However, the eating didn't stop there. A half hour later I still felt hungry and snacked for awhile. I went to bed shortly after that, pissed off at myself for not just skipping the snacks and going to sleep early. Oh well, this is real life.

On the positive side, I woke up Saturday and went right back on track. I didn't weigh myself because I knew there would obviously be a gain and I just didn't need to see it. (I did weigh in today and there is still a gain.) I used to let binges bring me down for days/weeks/months at a time. It is a huge success for me to let it only ruin a night. I think I am ready for the next step though. I would like to stay binge free for 30 days. They say 21 days to create a new habit so I say 30 days to make it stick. In 30 days it will be November 6th. I will be a new person by then, right? I would also be happy with just a whole week binge free. I seem to have one bad day every week. Not this week though.

Cooking and running, one day they will balance out

So with all the fun in the kitchen, there has been a downside. I struggled with my eating yesterday. I am proud to say that I ate well on Monday and Tuesday, but something snapped on Wednesday and I derailed. It happens and I started over today. I did manage to stop myself mid binge with a cracker heading to my mouth and stopped the craziness. Before the crackers though there was that frozen yogurt (only about 1.5 servings left though so I managed to spread out the joy for a few days), frozen taquitos, biscotti, and A LOT of crackers. It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have had one servings of each, but I didn't. I did however not let that binge take over the rest of the day. Usually, if I have an afternoon binge I let myself binge for the rest of the day. I got back on track and had a light dinner and unfortunately a serving of homemade pierogies. A serving is 8, right? sure.But more importantly, I said "homemade pierogies!"

We rarely (as in once before with my grandma) make pierogies and have been wanting to for awhile. It is near impossible to pass up fresh pierogies so I cut myself some slack and have been good all day today. Back to the pierogies though. My grandma makes the absolute best pierogies ever! She is obviously Polish and if the family could get her to make them more often we would all be in heaven. She has no recipe for them and everyone always asks her for it. I actually convinced her to let me make them with her twice now. The first time though she had already made the dough and filling so I can't really count it. I did get to work with her once from beginning to end and took notes (this has been about 2 years ago now). Although looking at them last night they were very quick notes and not quite complete. Between me and the husband though we got it mostly figured out.

no one ever said making pierogies wouldn't be a mess.

We rolled out the dough and cut out circles. These are my perfect circles.

Here I am filling my pierogies. So glamorous.

Our beautiful products.

Hubby dropping the pierogies into the boiling water.

We actually made pierogies that tasted pretty good. We were proud! They are definitely not as good as my grandmas, but I will get there. Ours were a bit to doughy, but all around not bad. We ate our generous servings last night and quickly froze the rest. My mom and grandma are actually coming to visit us this weekend and we want to surprise them with our homemade pierogies. I don't know if anyone has ever made my grandma's pierogies for her. I am guessing not since she doesn't share the recipe so I am excited to surprise her. I will have to get a picture of the batch all cooked up then. Our kitchen was such a disaster by the time we were enjoying ours that I didn't even attempt it.
 

Our little helper who kept checking on us in the kitchen.

Today I did manage to get my 2.5 mile run done too! It felt good. It was one of the longest runs I had to push little lady on. I have to get used to it though since my weekly runs are 2-3 miles. It went surprisingly well. I always start out rough and promise myself to at least run 15 minutes before taking a break. Usually once I hit 15 I trick myself with a few more minutes here and there. Today I did 26 minutes and then stopped to walk for about 30 seconds and then ran the rest. I finished my 2.5 miles in 29:46. I am definitely not a speed racer, but I am fine with that.