worry free weekend

I am really enjoying not counting calories. It is helping me to focus on what I am eating and why instead of just trying to get the numbers in the correct range. I was secretly hoping that it would really help with the binges I have been having. I really seem to have no self control and when a binge comes on I barely resist it before I am shoving food quickly into my mouth.

This weekend the hubby was gone on a guy's weekend so little lady and I were left to fend for ourselves. I was excited for our girl time, but nervous about my eating habits. For some reason when I am left alone it seems like a great idea to see how much food I can eat. I found myself even thinking about buying some ice cream to enjoy before hubby even left. I was starting to picture a relaxing weekend of putting little lady to bed and just digging into ice cream. I made a promise to myself to not buy any food that I did not need to eat. I stuck to that but did not end up binge free.

Hubby left Friday morning. Little lady and I had a MOMS club meeting that morning and then came home and went for a run (my first one post half marathon!). She took a nap while I worked on things around the house. After her nap we walked to the park and played for a bit before dinner. Then, we decided to have a living room camp out that night. We made popcorn, watched a movie, and slept in our sleeping bags on the living room floor. It was fun and I think my food was in check for the day.

Saturday started out really good. We got moving pretty quickly and spent the morning with hubby's sister in law at the farmer's market and the zoo. It was a busy morning followed by a nice nap time. (I actually got a lot of spring cleaning done!) We ended the day with a bike ride into town and strolled the shops. I got a cute dress and little lady got a lollipop. It was a wonderful day. She went to sleep and I was feeling great. About an hour later, I felt a bit hungry. I had fruit, but didn't want it and decided to let myself eat a tortilla because we were so active all day. Tortillas have become my downfall. I just love the carby goodness of them. After my first plain one, I decided I needed to eat a wrap. So I made myself a tortilla ham wrap and then things just slowly spiraled down from there.

Sunday I woke up and surprisingly felt okay (usually my stomach is rough the next day). I had wanted to go running and made myself stick to it. I ran 4.5 miles pushing little lady and then came home and worked on the yard until nap time. Hubby came home after nap and we got to spend the evening as a family.

It was a fun and busy weekend. I loved spending all that time with little lady! I know I get to spend all day every day with her, but it was still exciting to have a full weekend with just her. I could plan anything I wanted to do and not have to worry if anyone didn't want to do my plans. I think we both had fun (and I am sure hubby had fun on his weekend away)!

I am still sticking to my intuitive eating. Minus Saturday, my intuition was not telling to eat as much as I could! I actually weighed myself today just to see. I wanted to wait until May 15th but I was nervous that to much damage could be done by then. I was down 0.4lbs since Wednesday. I am okay with that. I am actually okay with just maintaining this month. If I lose weight I will continue to eat intuitive and if I maintain hopefully I will feel refreshed and ready to focus on calorie counting again.

I feel like I should mention that I am basically eating the exact same way as before. I usually eat oatmeal, eggs, or a smoothie for breakfast, leftovers for lunch , and one serving of whatever is for dinner. I am not allowing myself to buy processed snacks so my only real snack options are fruit or raw almonds. Basically I am still trying to eat clean but not worry so much about counting every calorie. I am hoping that by just paying attention to what I am eating and why I am eating that I will become better able to handle my eating urges.

changing things up

I think it is quite obvious that I have not been entirely dedicated to losing weight. I can keep super focused for about 2 weeks and then I slack. It has kept me losing weight very slowly. I really don't mind losing weight so slowly because I do feel that I have a better chance of keeping it off, plus maybe I won't have as much loose skin.

However, it is frustrating to think that at the end of last summer I weighed somewhere in the low 170s. Yesterday I weighed 160.7. I have lost about 10 pounds since summer. It frustrates me that I could be at goal weight right now, but at the same time I am trying to be positive that I am 10 pounds smaller than last summer.

I am starting to be very tired of counting calories (even if it's only half assed attempts). I usually do great at counting calories for breakfast and lunch and then it slips away from me. I have noticed that if/once I track dinner calories if I want any snacks or wine I don't even track it and start to assume that I am over my calorie range for the day. Usually wine or snack just put me over the low range of my calorie goal, but in my head once I eat more than the minimum I might as well throw in the towel for the day. I stop counting and start eating. It makes no sense but that is how my mind works. I have decided to try something different.

I will not be counting calories at all for the month of May. This could be disastrous!

I do feel like I have a great idea of what I should be eating and my ultimate goal would be to not count calories every day for the rest of my life. I want to eat like a "normal" person. I will be trying to eat intuitively. At times knowing my calories count and my calorie range can throw me off. I will eat snack even if I am not hungry because there are extra calories left over. I think it would be better (or at least worth trying) to try to really pay attention to my hunger and really try to base my eating off of that. If it doesn't work out at all it won't seem much different than what I have been doing for the past 8 months or so. I am hoping that just the release of not counting calories will help me relax and only eat if I am hungry.

I weighed myself yesterday, May 1 and I was 160.7lbs. I will only weigh myself May 15 and June 1. I would hope to be back under 160 by May 15th. If I am not I may call it quits and start my attempts at calorie counting again. Otherwise I will continue to slowly lose weight without focusing on calorie counting.

I feel like I should also mention that I am not planning on just eating whatever junk I feel like it. I have been sticking to mostly clean foods and that will still be happening. I will be eating my regular meals, just not counting. This is not a free for all.

Here is to a stress free month of eating (healthily)!

Half Marathon Recap

I can officially say that I have completed a half marathon! It was amazing and feels great to have accomplished that. We had beautiful weather; sunny and in the 60s.

I ran the Let's Move Festival of Races in Mt. Clemens. I don't think it's a huge event, but it seemed well organized and I had fun. I really just picked this race because I wanted to run a half marathon at the end of April. This was the only one that I could find for this particular weekend that was  either close to my house or close to my mom's.

My husband took Friday off of work so that we could make it to the race expo. I always hear about some fun sounding race expos. This was not one of them. It was really just a packet pick up. The hubby was definitely disappointed that he wasted a vacation day. We did score a free shirt from last year's race though and they were nice shirts so I was okay with it. :) We also picked up packets for the rest of my family. I don't think I mentioned it before but I managed to get 4 of my family members to do their first 5k! I was so excited for them. My aunt and her 2 sons signed up to walk the 5k and my cousin decided to run her first 5k. My hubby was also signed up to run the 5k.

Anyways, back to moi. I spent Friday morning just feeling excited for the event and that I was getting more of my family into the active lifestyle. I was talking with my cousin off and on all morning because she was super nervous. I was feeling all excitement until we started the drive to the expo. I felt like I wanted to throw up. Anxiety was finally setting in. Once we had the packets, I spent the evening chatting with my cousin about our pre race jitters.

I tried to go to bed early but did not sleep well. I think I woke up about once every hour panicked that we would be late. The race started at 8am and we were planning on leaving at 6:45am. I wanted to get up around 6am to have a cup of coffee and get ready without feeling rushed. Little lady usually sleeps until 7ish so I had to rely on an alarm clock which I rarely do these days. So every hour I shot out of bed to check the clock. Ugh. I don't know why I even doubted my daughter because some how she knows when I have to wake up and will always wake me extra early. At 5:45am I could hear her chatting away...of course. I got up and got her dressed and enjoyed my coffee.

At 6ish I woke up my mom. She was going to the race with us to watch little lady and my cousin's son while we ran. My mom had been out late Friday and I didn't know if she had seen the note that I left her about what time we would leave at. She reluctantly got out of bed and had some coffee. We all slowly got ready and out the door by 6:45am 7ish. We made out way to Mt. Clemens and around the closed streets and found awesome parking. We also easily found everyone else! Off to a great race morning start!

We brought out own cheerleaders!

The 5k runners took off at 8:15 and the walkers at 8:25. I ate my Clif bar and finished my coffee and water while they took off then headed with my mom and the kiddos to the finish line. My start time was 8:55 so I was hoping to catch my husband crossing the finish line. I waited until 8:45 and then headed back to the starting line, hitting the port a potty on the way.

I hadn't really had a plan for my half marathon. Friday night I calculated that if I some how managed to run an 11 minute/mile pace that it would take 2:24 hours and if I ran a 12 minute/mile pace (much  more likely) it would take 2:37. I told my family to head to the finish around the 2:24 mark and that I should be done by 2:45. Usually on my long training runs I preplanned everything. I knew at which point I would slow to a walk and drink some water. I like to break up my long runs into manageable pieces.

I don't know why, but I did not do that for this race. At the start line I found the 2:20 and 2:30 pacers and positioned myself between them. I usually averaged about an 11:45 min/mile pace on long practice runs so I really should have started behind the 2:30 pacer. I decided at the start line that I really wanted to beat 2:30, I should not have done this. I never really care how long my long runs take and this was supposed to be a race that I did just to finish.

I started off really strong. I averaged 11 min miles for the first 3 miles. I think I was trying to slow down, but for some reason I just really wanted to stay ahead of the 2:30 pacer. I should have just ignored it and ran slow and comfortable. Around mile 5 I was starting to get tired and walked for about 10 seconds. Around mile 5.5 I ate 3 Shot blocks while running. At mile 6 my entire left leg hurt. There was some strong pain in my hip, knee and ankle. I occasionally have ankle pain while running, but not usually hip or knee. (My hip occasionally bothers me at the end of longer runs.) I didn't know what to do. I had slowed by pace and was sticking near the 2:30 pacer. I walked and ran and kept myself close.

Miles 4.5-7 were a loop in a park. On the way out near mile 7 we could she the sweep bus turning into the park. The bus was only about 2 miles behind me and this stressed me out for some reason. I was afraid of falling behind and finishing last or even worse, really getting hurt and having to get into that bus. I pushed myself through and by mile 9 I really thought I wasn't going to make it.

At mile 10 I gave up my 2:30 dream and just tried to keep the pacer in my sights and hoped for some miracle that maybe the last mile would be easy and I would pick up the pace. Mile 10 was my only mile that took my over 12 minutes (12:08).

Once I hit mile 11 the pain had lessened or I became more used to it. I picked up the pace slightly but didn't try to out do myself. Mile 12 was the longest mile that I have ever run. When my watch beeped to tell me that I had run 13 miles, I teared up. I had to get that under control because it was making it hard to breath. :) I kept running. My watch said 13.1 and I kept running.

I had never wanted to walk more in my life than at mile 13. My body hurt and I think I was slightly dehydrated. I had the chills and felt nauseous. I did not want to walk over the finish line. I did not train for months and run my ass off for over 2 hours to walk across the finish line. I sucked it up and told myself not to puke, at least not in the pictures. :) As I turned the corner and saw the finish chute, I felt relief. I saw my hubby waving at me, my cousin jumping up and down and my mom holding little lady out to me. I high fived little lady and crossed the finish line. It felt amazing!

I am in the grey shirt. When I saw this picture on the small camera screen I actually didn't believe it was me. The girl looks to skinny to be me. Hubby had to zoom in to show me that it was in fact me.

Water, apple, and medal. I did it!

I also felt really out of it. I grabbed a water and apple and walked back to where my family was. Hubby ran up to hug me and I found out that both him and my cousin did awesome. (She was so excited and ready to sign up for more!) My aunt and sons had left because they had plans, but we saw them later on. We checked my official time and I officially finished in 2:30:23. I was actually feeling bummed about my time for awhile. I had spent so much of the race focused on finishing in less than 2:30. However, I never thought about that during any of my training runs. I just wanted to do a half marathon.

I spent the whole car ride home feeling awful. I still felt physically sick and was so bummed about my time. I also hadn't really had time to process the race because as soon as I was done and checked my time, we were in the car.

As soon as we got home to my mom's I jumped in the shower. That helped a lot. I reminded my self that my watch said that I actually ran 13.24 miles so I technically did finish 13.1 in less than 2:30 but even more importantly...I had just ran my first half marathon! I came out of that shower happy and refreshed!

Good thing because family was coming over in a few hours to celebrate little lady's 2nd birthday! I'll have to leave that for another post. This one seems to be a novel.

Half marathon countdown

I can't believe in less than two days I will be running my first half marathon! I am so excited! This training has kept me busy. I love having a training plan to follow but I am ready to be a bit less intense with it. I am thinking that after the half, I will find a training plan to work on speed.

I wanted to write a post about my last long run. I was really nervous about it because of the week that I let things go due to funeral happenings. I had missed a 10k during the funeral weekend and was scheduled to run 11 miles the weekend of my bestie's birthday. I knew that I would not have time to run 11 miles, shower, drive across the state, and help set up the party. So that morning I ran a 10k and figured I would save the long running for the next weekend.

I woke up Saturday morning ready to run. I had been debating all week in my head about weather I would run 11 or 12 miles (I missed the 11 mile run and 12 miles was on the schedule). I had decided that I would meet in the middle and just run 11.5 miles. I felt okay with that and started my run. Once I got going though, I decided that I would run until mile 6 and just turn back there, that way I would have the choice to keep running for 12 or stop running at 11.5 and walk home. As I was running the second half, I knew in my head that I would run the whole 12 (who wants to lamely walk a half mile home after running 11.5 miles anyway?). I knew that if I didn't run 12 miles I would be disappointed in myself and extra anxious about the half. I had actually purposely picked this training schedule because I wanted have have 12 miles under my shoes going into the half. Most beginner training schedules that I saw had the longest run at 10 miles. I felt like I would feel under prepared and wanted to know going into the race that I am capable of running 12 miles so adding 1.1 miles would be doable. I was so proud of myself for sticking out the 12 miles.

While running those 12 miles I realized that running and weight loss are so similar to me. They are both such mental struggles. Losing weight can be so hard when you focus on how much weight you have to lose. Every once in awhile I realize that although I have already lost about 40 pounds, I still have about 20 pounds to go and possibly more. I start to stress out that I may never get there and feel helpless. However, if I change my thinking into fewer pounds to the next "milestone" it is easier. Right now I have about 5 pounds to lose until I am at my absolute lowest adult weight. Once I am there, it is less than 10 pounds to a healthy BMI. When I think in smaller weight loses, it seems so manageable.

The same can be said of running. I have to play mental games with myself right from the beginning. As I headed out for my 12 mile run I thought about when I would stop for water and Shot blocks. I decided I could stop at mile 4, mile 7, and mile 10 for water and 2 shot blocks. It made the run completely doable. I ran for 4 miles and then walked for a minute with I drank and ate, then I told myself to just run 3 more miles, then 3 more miles. I never once let myself think 'oh no, I have run 4 miles and STILL have 8 to go.' That would have made the run feel torturous to me.

I liked thinking about running and weight loss together like that. They definitely work together for me and perhaps the mental games in one area will help me in another. I will consider it cross training. :)

Will I make it out of this black fog?

I have been missing. It started out as 'missing' just due to lack of interesting events in my life, but turned into 'missing' because things were falling apart. I will give a quick summary of events.

The days around Easter were awesome here. I actually completed my first double digit run. 10 miles in less than two hours! I was so excited and couldn't wait to share that run here. I even remembered to take a picture of my Garmin. I was (and still am) so proud of that run. However, Easter was approaching and things got busy.

Easter was spent at my mom's house with family. It was fun and little lady was adorable. She loves candy and actually stills asks if it's Easter. We came home and I fell off track for a few days. (I had weighed in before Easter at 157.2 but I don't think I had time to post it.) It took me about 3 days to get back on track. I had gained a few pounds, but once I got my diet back on track my weight was back to 157.

I was feeling good and in control and then I got a phone call that changed everything. My uncle had taken his life. It was heartbreaking. I needed to get home to be with my family. The hubby took a few days off work and we headed back across the state. It was devastating to see my family in so much pain. I thought the emotions would keep my eating in check, but I just didn't care what I was eating. It took some of the pain away and I felt like I needed it.

After 4 days we came back home. I thought once I was back into my routine, I would get myself together again. It didn't work quite like that. I couldn't shake the images of my aunt and her children (my uncle's children) sobbing. I was stuck in this dark place just imagining how they can't really just go back to their "normal" life. I let my emotions get out of control and let myself go.

I knew that my eating and lack of physical activity were not helping anyone, but I just felt completely powerless. It seems ridiculous to feel powerless against myself but I truly felt like I could not stop myself.

Thankfully this weekend was one of my bestie's birthday and I had to go back to the other side of the state (so much driving!) to help with her surprise party. I think it was what I needed to get myself out of this dark place that I have moved into. I finally ran again this weekend. I unfortunately missed a week of training so I am not feeling as positive about my half marathon, but I have 2 weeks and will be kicking ass again soon.

Today I woke up and knew that I had to face the "damages." I stepped on the scale and saw 165.4. Ugh, that explains why I feel gross and my pants don't fit as well as they were. I know a few pounds will come off quickly as water weight, but I am still so disappointed with myself. I have forgiven myself though and am ready to move forward.

Weekend recap

This weekend just flew by even though it was a nice relaxing one. Our weekends are already getting booked up through the summer so I enjoyed it.

I had a long run for Saturday. I was really stressed about it because I am still on my cleanse. I knew I would have enough energy because I have still been counting calories just to make sure that I am eating more than 1200 calories. I had been eating more than 1200 calories so I wasn't worried about running while starving.

I was a bit nervous about my lack of caffeine. I know that from the beginning I told myself to just limit caffeine, but as soon as I realized that the caffeine was the hardest for me to quit I really felt like I had to see it out. Thankfully, by Saturday morning I was already over the "stay in bed" phase. I realized though that Shot blocks wouldn't be considered clean foods and improvised. I ate a banana before my run and packed 3 dates and a coconut water for a mid run energy boost. I meant to bring some Shot blocks as an emergency back up, but I forgot.

I had 9 miles on the schedule and headed out. I started out really strong and my first 4 miles went by really fast. Unfortunately by 4.5 miles my side started to hurt a bit. I walked for a bit and stretched out my sides and got back to it. It went away by mile 5 and I felt pretty good again. Around mile 6 I stopped for my snack. I did pause my Garmin and I paced while eating my snack. I struggle during my next mile. I had to stop to walk a few times and would have totally eaten a Shot block if I remembered to pack it. By mile 7 I felt alive again and finished my last 2 miles strong(er). I ended being thankful that I didn't pack the shot blocks because I would have felt like I cheated and it's nice to know that there are healthy things to eat in route.

I took a picture of my favorite part of my run. There is this tunnel that lets you run under a road above. It's not very big, but something about the way my feet sound as they hit the pavement in the tunnel just makes me happy.

running through a tunnel

I am starting to think that putting a 2:30 goal on my first half marathon may be a bit to much. I am thinking I will probably finish closer to a 2:45, but I really don't care to much either way. I just want to finish. (I don't think I mentioned it earlier. I finished my 9 mile run in 1:45, averaging an 11:39pace.)

The rest of the weekend was mostly uneventful. I did try a few new recipes and went to a friend's jewelry party. I would have to say the jewelry party was probably one of the harder things to get through on the cleanse. There were mimosas and all sorts of delicious foods. I actually came close to accidentally eating a chip. I seriously was moving towards it without even thinking about it. I stopped myself and totally enjoyed my water. yum.

I will say that I am feeling amazing today! I am usually not dressed and out of the house until close to 10. Today little lady and I played a few games, both got dressed, ate, and got out of the house by 9:15. It was crazy. We came home and I got so much done around the house, made dinner, and took her on a little after dinner walk. The walk was almost a bust because once we got outside there were flurries and I didn't want to look to crazy taking a toddler for a snow walk. We just walked through the yard for a bit and then headed through the neighborhood behind us once the snow had stopped. She told me so had so much fun. I am thinking that could be a new after dinner activity for us. I loved it!

Friday figures

I was so excited this morning that I actually made the trip back to the scale with my iPod to capture the moment. I am in a new decade!

hell yeah!

159 lbs! I can not believe I am in the 150s. On my only other real weight loss attempt I lost weight steadily until I hit about 160. I stayed right around 160 for a few weeks without seeing much progress. I went in one morning dehydrated after a night of too many drinks and saw either 157 or 155, but never saw the 150s again.

I eventually figured I just couldn't weigh less than 160 and stopped "dieting." I somehow managed to maintain between 160 and 165 for a few months and then I slowly packed every last pound back on and found myself pregnant at 196 pounds.

I have been so excited to show myself that I will weigh less than 160 and now I do! I sort of thought I would be nervous because this was my stall out moment last time but I am not nervous. Things are so differ than they were previously and I am ready to keep at it.

On my previous weight loss attempt I was on Weight Watchers. I really did learn a lot from them, but I was not in the right place at all to actually practice the things they were teaching us. I would try to make my meals as low in points as possible and save as many points as possible for snacks and drinks. I also really didn't want to work out. I had my elliptical machine back then and I did use it occasionally, but I really didn't like to sweat. I rarely moved the resistance past level 3 and maybe worked out for 20 minutes.

This "journey" is completely different. I really do feel like I have changed/am changing the way I eat. I am making healthy meals for my family and they actually taste good (or at least okay). I also actually enjoy working out! I love being able to say that I am training for a half marathon. I love that sometimes when I finish a shorter run, I still have energy and throw in a little strength training. When I actually use my old elliptical, I do a pre-programmed 30 minute program that goes all the way up to level 8 or 9.

I feel so different this time around. I am happy and actually want to stay on my "diet" for life. I know that this journey won't get any easier. I will have to constantly keep myself in check, but I feel strong and able.